Monday, 7 November 2011

Too tired really - just a quick update.

Today we said goodbye to Eileen, I cried so much I think I became dehydrated.  I was almost embarrassed to be weeping so steadily.  But I wasn't only grieving for Eileen, I was crying for my mother, my father, my aunt and uncles, my cousins, my friends who are gone, and for all of us who are left behind.  I have decided that grief is cumulative.  Another thought that occurs to me is that I want to cry so often and don't.  I want to cry when it hurts so much I feel like it will never ease, I want to cry when I'm told to suck it up cause it isn't that bad, and I want to cry when the level of irritation my body is feeling makes real rest almost impossible.  So I have a lot of repressed tears, well I did before filling several tissues today.

The Boy was wonderful and I am so very grateful to have him nearby again.  The Best Friend deserves to have her halo polished (with the deluxe wax job!) for being so thoughtful and kind today.  I arrived at her house (where the boy will be staying for the next couple of months) to find she had laid a sheet and a pillow on the couch so I would have somewhere nice and clean to lie down immediately.  I wanted to worship at her shrine and of course (in an effort to make sure I left no tear duct even vaguely moist) I cried with relief to be horizontal, safe, and able to let go of the rigid determination to "soldier on" for at least a little while.  (You will be proud of me to know I managed NOT to whimper!)

I have a huge day tomorrow again and I don't know how I am going to drag myself through it.  Doctors, the Government, more doctors...  But I will do it because I have waited weeks for these appointments.

I just want to finish by saying that there really are some phenomenal people out there... we lost one in Eileen but  others remain.  I feel a bit like the tarot card the 5 of swords... 3 are gone but 2 remain...

All is not lost.

1 comment:

  1. Soldiering on is over rated. Give in at times to emotion and helplessness.