Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes - Turn and face the strain...

Moving right along...

Last night TLOML and I cooked a roast and it proved to be my first major slip.  How oh how could I resist baked potatoes???  For Herbert's sake I am only human!

I cooked masses of pumpkin and sweet potato (allowed), zucchini, broccoli, and the most delicious piece of tender lean beef, seasoned with salt, pepper and oregano.... (drooling all over again now).  I slipped in three little ways...

1.  I had a huge serving having waited too long for the dinner to be ready
2.  I had three tiny pieces of potato
3.  I followed up with a generous dollop of flavoured yoghurt

My taste buds were in heaven.

The worst thing was probably the yoghurt because it has way too much sugar and that is the villain I have worked hardest to avoid.  I guess to be honest I have not cut out as much sugar as I should have...  Tropical fruits are in season here and I have eaten several mangoes, two pears, quite a lot of watermelon, and one red papaya.  I have also had flavoured yoghurt maybe four times in the last two and a half weeks.

TLOML has been very encouraging and has been carrying on about how good I have been and I know I have done pretty well but I still think I need to be more aggressive about losing the sugar.

Here is an interesting note...  I seem to be having less bouts of severe pain.  Now I wasn't looking for this and to be honest it is always variable and sometimes I do go a while with only the lower level baseline pain but I think this is starting to appear significant.  I will say that I have been easier on my body than I was in the months leading up to this situation because it is so bloody hot I have not been doing any projects outside (having finished replacing all the stair treads into the house - all 16 of them! - in the 6 weeks before TLOML's birthday in mid November).  But I am going to aqua aerobics twice a week and last time I went to aqua I was spending a couple of days recovering from each session.  I hope this is not just a normal fluctuation and that it proves to be a significant improvement but I won't shout it from the rooftops just yet.  Still here's hoping!

TLOML is working her last days this week before breaking up for the summer holidays.  Her summer plans are still up in the air (waiting for someone else to make a decision) and so, therefore, are mine.  I don't think I will be going to Sydney.  The Boy is working lots over the summer so he is too busy to hang out with and much as I would LOVE to see all my friends it is a big expense when The Boy is not available.  I will probably just stay home and swelter quietly with our beloved dogs.  Maybe if TLOML ends up staying here too we will get away to the tablelands for a few days at some point and cool down.  I certainly have enough university work due at the end of January to keep me busy!

I know in the grand scheme of things if I make this dietary regimen a lifestyle (and I think I probably will) then a few cheats now and then are not only fine but are necessary.  This first 30 days though, I really need to stay hyper-focused and try to be perfect so that I can really make a difference to my blood readings.

I think I can ... I think I can... I know I can!

Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Musings on life, Herbert, and blogging

It's some sort of a cycle.

I don't blog, then I feel guilty about not blogging, then I think I have nothing to say and why would someone want to read my drivel, so I don't blog...

I want to talk about all kinds of things but some of them are minutia and some of them might be too personal or might make me look foolish - so I don't write.

There are lots of great excuses - I am busy studying (I have received Distinctions for the first two subjects I have finished), I am busy living (TLOML and the doggers absorb my time), I'm not in great health (when I crash I crash and I just want to let my mind run free in an effort to forget my body is actually still part of me) but none of them is a good enough reason not to write.

In 10 days I will tick over into my 50's and I can't believe it.  In so many ways I'm so unchanged from the child I was.  I'm still homesick for my Mum, though she has been dead nearly four years.  I'm still socially anxious and I still never feel like I fit in.  I still feel like an awkward misfit who doesn't quite get anything right in this world.

A couple of days ago I went to a memorial service with TLOML.  It was for a woman in her early 50's who died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  A few years back I lost a very close friend like that, she was only 44 and it was a devastating shock.  The service was on the beach at sunset and there were lots of people in attendance.  The clothing was casual and colourful.  Lots of people were barefooted.  The local a capella choir, many of whom were close friends of the woman, sung.  When darkness fell a large paper heart was set alight, big paper lanterns were released - rising towards the stars on the power of their flames, and tiny boats with candles were lit and floated into the sea, it was beautiful.  Although I had never met the woman, she and her partner having been overseas since I moved up here, I heard stories of how she had touched people and the causes she had fought for.  More than anything I heard stories of the bond she and her partner shared, it seems they were truly soul mates.  Although I was a stranger, there as a sign of support to TLOML and her friends, some of whom were very close to the woman, I was deeply touched.

There is no justice in this world.  Miserly, miserable people live long unproductive lives making others unhappy and kind, gentle souls can be snatched away without time to say goodbye.  People in horrid relationships become elderly being rude and unkind to each other and someone else loses their soul mate in early middle age.  There is no rhyme or reason, no sense, no logic, Charles Manson grows old in gaol while Princess Diana, who worked so hard for so many valuable causes, is killed at 36.

I don't understand Herbert.  It just is.

Starting tomorrow I have a three day workshop at  the university.  That will probably knock my body around a bit so the weekend will be at least partially dedicated to recovery.  I'm in recovery today too because yesterday I started washing windows.  The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter are coming to visit to share my birthday.  I'm so pleased they are coming and I can't wait to see them.  So TLOML and I need to get the house ready and washing the windows is one of jobs I have decided to tackle.  I like doing things where it makes a big difference, where you can see the result of your labour.  But I pay.  I pay dearly every time I throw myself into a task.  Last week I did a little car maintenance including flushing the radiator and was sore for a couple of days.  Washing the dogs did me in too.  I don't care though.  I would rather keep doing things and know I need a couple of days to recover than not be doing stuff!

On the home front everything is going well.  I miss The Boy though he is doing well in Sydney and is working hard.  The dogs are terrific though Frizby's separation anxiety is a bit of an issue.  Now if I go for a swim she keeps swimming out to me.  TLOML and I had a swim the other day and Frizzle was exhausted from swimming out to us every time we took her back to the beach.  (Hence why I was bathing the dogs!)  The nights are quite cool here at the moment but the days are beautiful.  Sunny and warm and sparkling Especially through the clean windows!!!

A guilty blogger...

Forgive me readers for I have sinned --- it has been bloody ages since my last blog and it was a fair while between that one and the one before.

*big bloody sigh*  I haven't been reading many blogs either so all my cyber mates are very distant and unfamiliar at the moment...  I'm sure I need a boatload of hail Herbert's to receive absolution for these sins.

Tomorrow we are going to Sydney and I have been stressed to the max (a total female dog to live with) about the trip...  I can't wait to see The Boy and I talked to him for nearly two hours yesterday on the phone which was great.  I have assignments due for University so I will need to keep studying while away.  On top of all this I have been feeling like absolute excreta for the last week or more.  Roving muscle pain that refuses to respond to anything from massage to morphine has taken up seemingly permanent residence in my body. Quite frankly it just sucks, to be honest.

TLOML has been wonderful as usual but even she has not escaped my irritation and my moody, PMS'y, I'm sick of hurting, unreasonable wrath.  She's pretty good but isn't quite rivaling Mother Theresa for sainthood so there have been a few snappy exchanges.  Fortunately we do manage to get over it very quickly and we are forgiving of each other.

The weather here has become incredibly beautiful; brilliant blue skies, warm but not as hot and humid, glistening sea, lush green gardens and bush (from all the rain we were having a few weeks ago)... quite frankly if I wasn't so keen to see The Boy I would rather stay here right now than go away.  I'm sure once we are underway I will relax a bit and that I will actually enjoy it but it's kind of hard to think of traveling for pleasure when I have been so haunted lately.

So I don't blog because I feel like I am boring and grumpy and incapable of seeing anything in an interesting and amusing way... and then I lose touch and blah blah blah....  well there you go...

I will try to do better, I promise.

Fantastic fantasy

First let me make some excuses for not having blogged lately...  It is partly that I have University work to do, partly that I feel kind of boring with nothing to report and partly that I have yet again developed a mild obsession with genealogical research.  (Mostly I guess I am just slack).

Health check in - very VERY up and down... one weird thing that is bothering me is that I have a strange metallic taste on the tip of my tongue and about the bottom inch of my tongue ( to the tip) has altered taste sensation and feels odd and maybe is a bit numb.  I have been noticing this for quite a while but it has become increasingly irritating over the last few weeks.  My presumption at this stage is that it is most likely a drug side effect so I am starting to isolate meds and stop taking them (yes I will be good and taper etc).,  The good news in this is that the my new GP, Dr Sincere, has finally given me some better pain relief in the form of Tramadol and so I don't have to keep struggling on with the codeine which has always resulted in more irritation than benefit!  Even better is that the tongue issue was happening before Tramadol so I it is not the culprit!  Now I probably need to make it clear, before my loving and adoring fans become desperately concerned about my possible addiction, I try to get by with no pain killers most of the time.  This is just for the really nasty breakthrough pain when I just can't stand it any more.  I am NOT about to start any regular pain medication if I can possibly avoid it!

Shermie, my car, had a flat tyre this morning...  That was upsetting.  Fifty dollars later (and drenched) we are underway again.  I am going to have to re-register Shermie in my new state which is going to be expensive.  We also have a trip to Sydney coming up in a couple of weeks which will be a bit of a financial drain, so money worries are causing some anxiety.

The "Wet Season" has been living up to its name lately.  This little island has been washed and rinsed so many times in the last week that I think we are all growing webbed feet!  I can't begin to guess how many inches of rain have fallen in the last couple of weeks but it is LOTS!!!  This means that all the creeks are running like crazy.  Yesterday, Sunday, in spite of the rain TLOML and I decided (at her suggestion) to go and swim in one of the waterfall pools.  OMG it was so beautiful.  The water was cool but not cold.  We were completely alone for the entire time we were there.  I wanted TLOML to strip off and run through the bush and over the rocks like a wood nymph but she refused to oblige...(Oh well it was worth a try!)  It was sublime...  To have such a spectacular place, where the water has gushed for millennia, entirely to ourselves!

One of the many wonderful things about TLOML is her unquenchable sense of wonder, another is her unfailing appreciation of beauty, and a third is her truly deep rooted gratitude for the gifts we are given.  How fortunate we are to be Australians and to have places like this to experience and appreciate!

This is the spot but it was really full of water and the rocks in the foreground were submerged.

I am still totally incredulous that my life has taken this turn for the fabulous.  TLOML and I are going from strength to strength.  We have still never had an argument and the challenges that we have faced (that include some very serious stuff) have been external.  I can't believe this happiness is mine!  I am boring I say it so often!  Literally, (and I do know what that means) I can't believe it!  I've had a terrible string of stressful and difficult times in my life that began when I left Australia.  Ghastly relationships, financial ruin, the loss of my parents, developing a chronic debilitating condition...  The twenty-first century has not been easy for me.  I was incapable of seeing any kind of happy ending and I was resigned to the fact that it would just be a miserable struggle until I was done.  Quite frankly if I didn't have The Boy I would possibly have given up completely.  It is so often said that things happen when you least expect it and it could not be more true for me.  Suddenly I am in the best relationship of my life and living in paradise.  One of the reasons I don't blog as often as I used to is that I can't imagine anyone would want to read me going on about my incredible new life all the time, and yet my gratitude and wonder totally dominate my heart and mind.  Perhaps one needs to descend to the depths of despair (I love alliteration!) before finding a new source of light?  That said I'm still hurting, limited, and physically struggling, but so very, VERY, grateful for the gifts the universe (aka Herbert) has given.  Maybe pain is the shading that provides the rich contrast in the landscape of my life.

The ceaseless rain continues to fall and that's just fine!

Heigh Ho Heigh Ho...

It's off to Uni I go...

Oh dear, wouldn't you know it?

Here I am about to begin the second weekend workshop (there are a bunch of assessments tied to this weekend) and I'm sore all over.  It started last night, a bit like the voodoo doll stuff, randomly roving pains.  I drugged up at bedtime and was too tired to drive TLOML to work this morning.  I am pouting because this is the first time I haven't driven her down and picked her up since I have been here.  She took the car while I slept.

So now I am awake and all my muscles feel like muscles feel after they have had a really sharp cramp...  you know that feeling?  That tender ache that feels fragile and unstable?  It feels like at any moment the muscles might suddenly decide to screw themselves up like a Chinese burn and torture me just for fun!

I'm not sure what time I need to leave this afternoon.  It's TLOMY's early off afternoon so she will be home soon.  The dogger and I are sacked out on the bed wishing she was here.  We are a pathetic little pair.  I really should take the 3pm ferry but I am going to leave it for the 4.25pm - when I feel like this I can't take the extra hour and a half tacked onto my evening.  I'll also have to leave early to get the 9.00pm home cause waiting until the 10.30 would kill me.  Not much good am I?  Today 4.25 to 9.30 is already going to be too long away from horizontal.  I wish I could call in sick.

We have to do some kind of group presentation this evening and I am so unprepared...  As a group we have had minimal contact but one of the clever clogs has unilaterally decided we are going to do a role play and apparently she has a script running through her head... (can you bluetooth a script from one person's head to another yet?)  Oh well, it's a good thing that life is such a grand adventure - no doubt all will be revealed some time this evening.

This gecko on the lantern the other night was almost transparent...  You could see her belly full of the nighttime insects she was catching.  Unfortunately my phone is not quite a good enough camera to capture her perfectly.

Oh - I did manage to suck it up and get some real study done yesterday so I don't feel quite as guilty as I did when I wrote about my avoidant behaviour.  (I still haven't tackled the roman blinds though.)

I think this blog sounds disjointed and haphazard... unfortunately that is the way I'm feeling at the moment too.  I feel like I was built by a committee!

Feeling old... Defensive walking...

Age is a funny thing it's relative, personal, and it's tied to time which is such an elastic concept that there seems to be no rhyme or reason.  The passage of time is completely esoteric.  You certainly can't pin it down.

Yesterday The Best Friend had a birthday.  She was treated to the dubious pleasure of TLOML and I singing Happy Birthday onto her answering machine.  The Best Friend was one of the youngest women in our class at school.  In June I will turn 50 and TLOML hits her half century in November.  Strangely,The Chef, who was featured recently in a newspaper article has managed to only be 47....  Hmmm very interesting, cause I am almost certain that she was actually older than me!   LOL.  Oh well, we know that there are some things that can halt the passage of time and most of them have to do with wealth and fame.  I don't blame The Chef really; after all, 50 is a VERY BIG number!

Jazz, my blogging fibro sister, has written a great blog about feeling older than she is and rather than repeat all the things I wanted to say that she has already said I will just link to her here (I'm sure she won't mind).  It's a great blog.  So often I have ideas fermenting in my brain getting close to becoming a blog and Jazz will jump in just before I am ready to write it and steal all my thunder!  Sometimes we seem to be eerily in sync.

My take on this feeling older actually needs to be credited to a conversation I had with The Best Friend a couple of months ago.  She pointed out the way elderly people negotiate their way through a crowd.  Many/most/perhaps all seniors move near other people with a visible hyper-vigilance.  This isn't "defensive driving", it's "defensive walking".  Keeping a very close eye on anyone else who is moving nearby and testing the ground before putting all weight on the leading foot has become a way of life for me.  I get it, I really get how elderly people feel out in the world.  I know what it's like to fear an accidental bump with a stranger - I know because it hurts!  It hurts like (insert expletive of your choice) when I get jostled in a stupidmarket queue or when someone laughing unexpectedly steps back into me and it triggers a series of painful spasms that radiate from either the site of impact or from the part of me that moves unexpectedly to save myself.  I now travel the world with the wary, skepticism of a bona fide Methuselah!

When I was a kid I never took a staircase at less than two steps at a time; almost every time I ran down steps I would jump down the last five or six.  I touched a banister only to vault out of the stairs or down to the next flight.  There were two speeds, flat out and stopped.  Those days are gone.  Now I traverse the globe with care, caution, and a desperate desire to anticipate the movements of any other things that move!

Last night I knocked over a glass of water.  Startled myself which hurt my back.  Dropped to my knees to wipe up the spillage which caused stabbing pains to explode from both knees.  Reached under the bed with the bathmat and seriously popped some kind of tendon in my right shoulder.  Then stood up and collapsed on the bed groaning in pain.... see what happens when I am surprised?  Thank goodness TLOML was there to take over and clean up my mess.  The knees and shoulder have yet to relent.  So do I feel older than I am - damn straight I do.  Do I move like someone older than I am - pretty much all the time (unless I forget or react and do something like I did with wiping up the spill last night).  Do I have that suspicious hyper-vigilance about how other people are moving?  Yep, I do.

So to all my geriatric followers (of whom I have none) I get it!  I know you are careful and that the cranky look on your face is actually fear.  I, like you, fear the unexpected.  I don't need to bungee jump for thrills - walking through a crowd is about as much excitement as I can stand!

Claude Raines has nothing on me!

First I must admit that EVEN I am not old enough to remember Claude Raines performance in The Invisible Man...  I guess I could be a bit more "trendy and current" by referring to the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter books... either way you get my drift!

I am writing this blog for a brand new blog carnival that is specifically focused on Understanding Invisible Illness (UII to those on the inside!).  This first call for blog submissions has asked for successful procedures  or treatments that make life better.  Unfortunately I haven't got a story that is exactly of that ilk but I certainly can wax lyrical, at length, about the influences in my life that have made my (mostly) invisible illness easier to bear.

First though I want to talk a little about what this invisible illness means to me.  Way back when I first started Gonna Eat Worms I wrote a blog about invisible illness and in it I drew a parallel between having an invisible condition and being a gay or lesbian person who looks "straight".  The interesting part of this is that I experience my life as a lesbian primarily as someone whose orientation is quite obvious and yet I experience life as a person with a chronic disabling condition as "able to pass".  Any keen observer, or any person specifically interested in me would realize that I have limitations, they would probably notice that I am in pain even when I choose not to mention it; but the fact is that there are very few keen observers in this world and most people are far more interested in other things (like themselves) than they are in me.  So by and large I can muddle along and remain in the disabled "closet" if that is where I want to be.

Concealing your real identity and hiding your condition, both come at a price.  Never having served in India with the British Raj I have not fully perfected my "stiff upper lip" and hiding my pain and not utilizing aids (like my walking stick/cane) makes everything worse.  It makes things hurt more and for longer, it makes my recovery time longer and more painful, and it sets up a plethora of future situations where people who don't know I have a problem will ask me to do things that I just can't do.  In spite of this substantial weight of evidence I still want to hide sometimes and I can't loudly and proudly declare my condition.  Yes, I can pass and yes, I sometimes choose that option.  There are times when it is advantageous to conceal my weakness and because my condition is fundamentally invisible I have that choice!

So although I have no treatments or procedures that have helped me I do have a couple of HUGE positives that make my life a LOT easier.  I have found doctors who believe me and who don't treat me like I am a malingering bludger... This is NOT the experience of all my Fibro Sisters.  I have a partner (TLOML) who is always considerate of my situation, she checks in with me and gets my personal weather report regularly.  She also runs interference for me with other people, at times "outing" me at a point when I would perhaps have remained closeted, but though in those cases I was pushed rather than jumping I really am glad because it makes life easier when people know and understand.

Tonight we are going to a February 29th party where people will be sitting on the floor to share a Syrian style banquet.  TLOML has been onto it already warning our hosts that sitting on the floor is probably not workable for me and making sure that alternative seating will be available.  I get a little embarrassed when people make a fuss but the longer term benefits of not exacerbating my problems far outweighs the few moments of awkwardness.

Invisibility; a curse and a blessing.  It gives me freedom but also causes me to be the recipient of considerable disrespect at times.  I guess the real problem, personally, is that it compromises my reality and taints my authenticity.  I have been out and proud as a lesbian for nearly thirty years, I have supported my fellow travelers and defended the rights of all people to live their personal truths.  So now I think it's time to summon Gloria Gaynor and blast "I am what I am, I don't want praise, I don't want pity!"  Not just for me but for everyone who lives with disabilities and chronic illness, the more we all speak up, accept and declare ourselves, the sooner we will defeat the stigma of difference.

If I wasn't lying down I could sing "I'm still standing"!

I have just participated in and pretty much successfully survived a three day university workshop.  I'd like to say I blitzed this weekend but in truth I was severely challenged by the physical demands.  Even now I am slightly exaggerating because the weekend comprised a three hour session on Friday night and then two seven hour sessions on Saturday and Sunday.  Part of the difficulty for me was that with ferry, and car, trips each way a seven hour day becomes a ten hour day and all I can do when I get home is lie down and whine and thank Herbert that TLOML is here to make sure my collapse doesn't cause me to starve or rot.

The workshop was a real trial.  It's expensive for one thing - catching the ferry and then paying to borrow a car on the mainland.  It's draining and physically taxing.  The chairs are not very comfortable and they don't face directly forward so I have to turn my head.  Accessibility services offered me the use of a more fully adjustable chair but I didn't want to make a fuss so I refused.  As I am doing all this again the weekend after next I might have to rethink that position...  As regards the content of the course there were moments when I felt like I was reading/listening to a completely alien language, I seriously started to wonder if perhaps I had totally lost my ability to assimilate and understand new information.  But somehow the understanding swam to the top and forced its way through the pond slime of my awareness.  It seems I have not allowed my brain to vegetate completely.  I can't speak so encouragingly about the body...

I'm quite concerned that I might not be able to manage all these workshops.  I have three of the next five weekends committed to workshops if I proceed with the program in which I am currently enrolled.  I'm tempted to convert one of the subjects to an external subject so that I don't have to attend.  The trouble with this is that I actually learn very well in a classroom situation and it is by far the easiest and most successful way for me to grasp and fully comprehend the information...sigh...My intrapersonal conflict perpetuates!  (see how clever I am becoming with my new studies!)

Should... Who says?

On Friday evening I have to go to my first University workshop session.  This is followed by full days on both Saturday and Sunday.  I'm scared.  Yesterday I had a really lousy day and my body was wracked with one intense breakthrough pain after another.  It was bad enough that I broke my own rule and took Codeine in the middle of the day.  I should have been doing some of the pre-reading for my course.  I should be doing that right now. Yesterday I lay around in bed whining (to myself and the dog) and played Words With Friends with my close online friend who lives in England.  We chatted and played and I whined to her a bit too.

When I picked up TLOML I confessed that I had not achieved anything useful during the day and told her that "I should have..." (fill in any of the myriad of jobs and tasks that are waiting for my attention.)  She's so wonderful, she chastised me with the words "No shoulds!"  We had a lovely evening... quiet and warm... easy. We watched some TV, had dinner, talked through some things we are each dealing with, it was really very close to perfect.  At one point I had my arm around her shoulder and she was holding my hand and I realized that we were holding hands with both of our hands, my right draped over her shoulder in her right, and our left hands resting on my knee.

I don't recall ever being with someone before where we hold both hands.  TLOML and I seem to naturally (and without either of us noticing it) assume the same kind of hand hold they used to teach us in primary school or all those progressive barn dances.  It's surprising how often we find ourselves in one of these positions.  We both like being close... at least most of the time.

Yesterday when I picked TLOML up from work she was in a grumpy and frustrated mood (yes she is human in spite of demonstrating the distinctly super-human skill of putting up with me).  I reached for her hand and she withdrew and made grouchy comments about being too annoyed to hold hands... that's fine...  we all become obstreperous from time to time.  She vented for a while then we settled down to our nice peaceful evening.  I was still in pain but fortunately not as much.

Today was better than yesterday but far from great.  I spent some time helping TLOML's cousin, who is visually impaired, do an online grocery order and I've been slacking off a bit since then.  Working on our shopping - making some government agency inquiries (that have been hanging over my head for a while).  Generally just hanging around with the dog.  I'm still itchy and still sore and I feel significantly discombobulated as to rationalize my lazy day.

Tick Tick Tick - Friday evening grows ever closer!

My itchy bitchy heart...

I should begin with an apology - To anyone who goes on to spend some amount of time with Billy Ray occupying your brain...  I sincerely apologize (kind of)!

TLOML and I have finally had a cross word, she simply failed to understand the way it works when I cook something.  When I cook - anyone who is going to consume the output simply MUST contribute to the chorus of angles singing "Hallelujah"; they MUST prearrange a Standing Ovation!  Then upon tasting the gold encrusted output they MUST collapse in paroxysms of rapturous delight!  It is simply NOT acceptable to stay on the phone and suggest that this ambrosia can be reheated later.  Needless to say I got snippy, one might even say pissy... or if one was not very favourably disposed towards me one might say shitty...  I didn't yell or scream, I didn't do back-flips of uncouth gestures, I think I kind of hurumphed off with words that were vaguely aligned with the much maligned and totally attitudinous "Whatever".

Interestingly enough the day after this moody 'tudey outburst I began doing the prereading for my soon to begin Master of Conflict and Dispute Resolution (yes the irony is not lost on me).  One of the first things I learned is that the ability to simultaneously comprehend and understand multiple diverse points of view is a sign of having a highly developed ability to manage conflict.  In effect I can recognize that my expectations with regard to the award presentation that needs to take place every time I come within a foot of the stove are unreasonable, and perhaps even a little childish, while simultaneously feeling angry and disrespected that those expectations have not been met.  I have learned that when I feel these conflicting feelings (or perhaps when my inner adult is not doing a good enough job of giving my inner child a time out) I am engaging in intrapersonal conflict.  I actually do quite a lot of that I think!

Now here is not the place to sound off about anyone else's contribution to a dispute so I will simply say that there are some aspects of my personality that might be just a touch anal and that I am not always my best and most grown up self when other people are a bit more loosey goosey with plans and targets than I am.  Interestingly I gave the appearance of being hard and TLOML found that off-putting.  I'm not hard, I'm never hard... that audible clang which sounds so hard is actually my shell crashing closed over my wounded, wimpy innards.  I am a good representative subject of my star sign - Cancer.  Under threat (real or imagined) this super-sensitive little crab hunkers down inside her shell with her pincers raised in defense.

In view of the fact that TLOML and I have been going through quite a stressful, and very frustrating, external situation I really think we are doing pretty well.  It hasn't been easy for either of us and we have both proved ourselves to be capable of empathizing with the other and gently trying to find solutions that minimize the damage to us as a couple.  As in all things communication is the absolute key and I know that I really shouldn't get cranky about not getting my standing ovation when I haven't fully explained the imperative need of said standing ovation (and the chorus of angels and paroxysms of rapture).  We have talked it out, and moved on, feeling more loving and stronger and hopefully a little more aware of our individual needs.

OK so much for the bitchy part... now to the itchy... eeep!!!  I now don't know if the stings are real or imagined.  This place is crawling with a staggering bio-diversity of stinging and biting things!  Over the last few days I have been almost constantly scratching.  My skin is on the move with real, and brain induced false, sensations of being stung or bitten.  I spend so much time slapping myself that I should get a pair of lederhosen and take up German folk dancing.  I also overdid it a few days ago when I replaced the decking boards on the landing and I've been paying with constant muscle pain and roving spasms.  Oh well at least I achieved something, I could have had the same pain and spasm while doing nothing.  I'd like to launch into a big whinge right now about how irritated I am re hurting all the time but I'd rather close by suggesting that all stove manufacturers consider installing a special feature - when you turn the dial to OFF, the stove should play a soundtrack of a crowd giving a rousing round of applause, cheering and yelling "BRAVO!!!"

Valentines, war and musings

Yessterday

Today is Valentines Day and I must confess that I am not too big on celebrating the merchant's holidays, it's all a bit of a scam I think... (I know... "Bah humbug")  I can't completely ignore it being that I am so very in love with TLOML.

The visit to the doctor yesterday went quite well except that he wants me off the sleeping pills that have been working so well for me over the last month... sigh...  I had a restless night as a result... sigh...  It was kind of hard as I had a rather painful afternoon and evening yesterday and had to take a pass on a stroll along the beach with TLOML, The Nurse, and the dogs.  I just couldn't muster any more energy to overcome the persistent aches and pains.

Today

This is the 70th anniversary of the fall of Singapore.  Effectively this is the 70th anniversary of the shift in allegiance for Australia from England to the United States.  The Prime Minister at the time (John Curtin) clearly saw the desperate situation Australia was in if we were to rely on England to protect us; a scant two months earlier Curtin had joined Franklin Roosevelt in declaring war on Japan after the attack on Pearl Harbor - a controversial move as he acted for Australia independently of the British Commonwealth.  Curtin knew that left to England we would have been quickly conquered by Japan.

The fall of Singapore is deeply personal for me - I almost feel like I was there.  My mother was there and her stories and her passionate and personal telling of those stories are indelibly imprinted within me.  This day 70 years ago she was jammed, with many other women and children, onto a tiny World War One mine sweeper and began a long and hazardous journey through the war torn South Pacific.  Her husband (her first husband, not my father) was imprisoned in Changi.  She was just 24 and never shed a tear until arriving at Sydney Central Station and receiving a bear hug from her father.  What times her generation lived through!  Born during World War One, she was nearly twelve when The Depression began and at twenty-two she watched her brothers, friends and suitors enlist to fight in World War Two.  All the way from horses and carts to space shuttles.

Australia has an interesting relationship with the United States, it's a bit like being a younger sibling with a very impressive and quite bossy older sibling.  You know you love them, you even admire them, they make you feel safer, but you slightly resent having to comply with their decisions.  Since the American Civil War the United States has never gone to war or been involved in a foreign conflict without Australians by their sides.  We have been complicit in both the travesties and the noble conflicts.  This relationship was fully cemented by the fall of Singapore.

Enough history and politics.  Today I am sore and a bit flat (in case you can't tell).  I worked too hard yesterday and my body is furious at me.  So I am going to veg out and try to recuperate.  I really need to do some stuff about getting organized for University and I have no excuse because I can take care of it online, but I am still feeling lethargic and avoidant.  Oh well, this too will pass.

Perceptions of ability within disability...

Today I am going to see a new GP.  Anyone who has read this blog from the beginning (I really don't think you exist) will remember my trepidation and then my joy at my first visit to Dr McLovely, whom I am missing quite a lot!  I have been here nearly a month and I MUST get some prescription renewals.  I'm dreading it. I have to take my copy of 'War and Peace' (my medical file from Dr McLovely).

I now live in a VERY small community, TLOML works at the local medical center part-time, The Nurse is there full-time, I socialize with some of the doctors and most of the nurses and admin staff...  Of course The Nurse and TLOML see me enough to see both my good days and my bad.  They know that when I go out to a social function I am sucking it up and soldiering on; they know that I often have to pay the next day for the efforts of the previous day; they know that the times of activity only happen because of the 18 - 20 hours I spend per day in bed.  Others don't.

On Saturday TLOML and I went on the ferry to the bigger city on the mainland.  Foolishly I had overdone it quite badly on Thursday and Friday and I was (and still am) in the high range with both my constant pain and my breakthrough pain.  In anticipation I took my cane.  I think it is the first time I have used the cane on the island.  Here the stupidmarkets are tiny, the parking for everything is close, TLOML is almost always there to help me balance, and basically I have been able to get by without it.  Naturally we knew people on the ferry, (TLOML knows almost everyone everywhere)and though I caught a quick glance at the said walking stick in my left hand nothing was said.  Once in the city I used it to walk off the ferry to the car, then didn't pull it out again until we were at the SUPER mall.  I have to be really honest here, there just aren't all that many things I miss about the US;  I miss drive through banking; I miss the low cost of things there; ummmm... I miss the Interstates...  But there is one thing that I miss above all, one thing that stands out from the others like a hippy at a GOP convention... I miss with passion the courtesy motorized carts that were available even at my local stupidmarket.

Using one of the courtesy scooters was a VERY hard thing to do the first time.  I remember gazing enviously at those carts for a long time before a day came when I was just SO SORE and Sam's Club was SO BIG that I simply could no longer resist.  I was never a constant user, it always depended on my pain and fatigue levels, the potential length and complexity of the shopping experience, and if I was alone or if I had someone who could manage for me if I needed to get off my feet.  Saturday I longed for one of those courtesy scooters.  At first I was leaning on the trolley but then we bought the rather heavy punching bag (a birthday gift to TLOML's sweetheart younger son) and the trolley became too heavy, so I went back to the cane and handed the trolley over to TLOML.  I couldn't take waiting in the queue at Target so I waited on the kangaroo on the kiddie coin-op carousel.  I really wish Australia would catch up with the US as regards things like courtesy scooters, I would have been so relieved to have had one then and there!

So here I am going to yet another doctor, I'm worried that the invisibility of my condition might work against me, the usual worry.  It's an old problem and one that all of us with invisible conditions experience.  In Sydney when I went to the doctor I always used my cane.  It was necessary to walk alone from the parking which was quite distant but it was also a concrete and tangible symbol of the disability that is otherwise invisible.  I was also suffering a LOT of vertigo at that time and had the balance of a two-legged stool!  Now the vertigo has eased off somewhat and the parking is right outside the door, but I do need this doctor to understand.

It seems a lot to ask of a stranger, that they can understand something that I really don't understand myself.  I don't know why I can do almost anything for a short period of time, I don't know why I can carry a punching bag off the ferry and then have to go home and lie down to recover, I don't know why sometimes I can't make myself stand up straight when I get up out of bed, I don't know why sometimes I fall over for no real reason when I am trying so hard not to fall, I don't know why the urge to be horizontal is like an addiction or a craving, I just don't know...  Most days I can suck it up for a couple of hours and go out to a social event and only the most observant of people would ever know I was in pain - some days that would be impossible.

So do I walk in to the doctors office with my walking stick in hand and say hello to the receptionist who I last saw when we shared a bottle of bubbles at a fabulous pool party?

Who has the voodoo doll of me?

Ok time to fess up... I am not perfect... in fact I have made a few enemies in my time (I'm not really sure how but that is another story).

Last night I had an experience that clearly confirmed that someone, one of my American exes I suspect, has acquired a voodoo doll in my image.

Sitting on the couch with TLOML (who is wonderful/incredible/fabulous/and even better than I imagined etc) watching the teev suddenly my left butt/hip starts to hurt with a deep ache...  a moment later my right ankle develops a stabbing pain for no reason, I hadn't even moved it!  The ankle hurts enough to take my mind off my butt (oooh that was a weird image), but not for long because a moment or two later it's my right shoulder, then there is something stinging me at the back of my right knee, oh hang on -- nothing really there... no actual sting.  Then it's my right side of my butt with a deep throbbing ache.  If it didn't hurt it would have been amusing.

I started to describe this to TLOML (who is terrific/adorable/fabulous/and actually cares about my aches and pains etc) and while we are talking these blocks of pain continue to move around my body.  Mostly they were aches but, just so I don't get too bored, there were a few sharp stinging pains and some weird skin sensations... wandering imaginary insects, huge patches of burning skin etc.

Now any of my pals out there who are unfortunate enough to share this bloody rotten condition with me may have experienced feelings like this...  Actually wandering random pains are not all that unusual.  What was really odd last night was the speed of the changes.  I could hardly keep up with what was hurting most while trying to describe it to TLOML (who is gorgeous/amazing/fabulous and genuinely seems to be in love with me too for some insane reason etc).  I was announcing a new location about every ten seconds.

As a rational and well grounded, sensible woman, I can, of course, only come to one conclusion; someone  is playing roughly with a voodoo doll - an effigy of me.  I don't think they were doing the stereotypical sticking in of pins, mostly I think they were squeezing or pinching parts of me with an occasional little pin prick.  Perhaps they have acquired one like these ones pictured below (available at Voodoo Authentica)

All I can say is that I hope they misplace my effigy as soon as possible because I felt like I was playing some strange twisted version of "Whack-A-Mole" that would have been more appropriately called "Rub-A-Sore Spot"...  I couldn't keep up and failed miserably.

Fortunately this episode petered out eventually and I was able to enjoy Tablet Time with TLOML (who is excellent/awesome/fabulous and who I love more every day etc).  Courtesy of Dr McLovely I have been getting some sleep which IS interrupted by pain but IS NOT interrupted by the jumbo jet that is landing in the bedroom every ten minutes or so (aka the air conditioner).  I have even been dreaming a LOT lately.  If lack of sleep is really the culprit in the FMS mystery I should be feeling better...  I'm sad to report that "better" is not the Word of the Year so far for me.  "Happier" has taken what appears to be an unbeatable lead in the Word of the Year stakes!  That might be courtesy of TLOML (who is enchanting/amusing/fabulous and who has plastered a huge smile on my dial etc).

Herbert, would you please make the villain stop playing with the doll?

Domestic Goddess....um...well...um...?

Ok here it is in black and white, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... (As best as I can relate it through the twisted lens of my perceptions.)

I've never been much good at cooking nor any of the other domestic arts.

I can get by, but only just.  My idea of cooking is to get take-out or to go to a restaurant.  My idea of cleaning is to not make a mess.  I am pretty good at staying on top of the washing, at least that way I get to play with water, and I do like to wear clean clothes.  Ironing is one of those things I can do but I avoid.  Suffice it to say that I have spent my adult life taking a minimalistic approach to domesticity.

In my defense I will say that I am handy.  Fixing things is generally fun, a bit of a puzzle and then a tremendously satisfying outcome that pours positive strokes into my instant gratification pleasure centre.  A couple of days ago I fixed TLOML's sliding screen door.  It took $12 and about five minutes (including diagnosis and then installation of the new rollers).  I have been living large on the praise I got for that!  Apparently it had been a giant pain in the arse for about five years.  I'm working on procuring some decking board and I will be doing a little verandah repair in the next few days too...  that ought to put a shine on my halo!

Anyway, yesterday, because TLOML had not had enough sleep, had gone to work and stayed late for a meeting, and was heading out in the evening for an exercise class, I decided to demonstrate my rusty dusty domestic skills and save TLOML a few worries.  So after dropping TLOML off to work in the morning I went to the smaller of the two tiny supermarkets we have here on the island.  (Note the use of the word "we" clearly I am beginning to identify as a resident!)  I bought, pasta, broccoli, mushrooms, onions, zucchini, beautiful tomatoes with the vine still attached, and cheese.  Then I headed home and stripped the bed and put on a load of washing (this involved a couple of trips up and down the quite long flight of stairs to ground level where the laundry and the clothes line are located).

Then I took another run down the street to the liquor store (the bottle shop) to get some cheap red wine for cooking.  Finally it was time to start the masterpiece.  If I may digress for a moment and correct a few misapprehensions... although I choose not to cook and I'm not very good at the timing and coordination of meal preparation (having had so little practice) I actually can cook.  I'm reasonably creative (one day you should ask The Boy about the White Gumbo) and not bad at combining flavours (though the White Gumbo might belie that point).

It began with the rinds and the fat of 5 rashers of bacon cooked to a crisp and then removed, this leaves a small amount of bacon dripping which is far and away the most indulgently delicious fat for any cooking project!  Then I sliced three big brown onions and tossed them in with two heaped teaspoons of garlic, one of ginger, and one level teaspoon of chilli.  I had to drop in some butter as there wasn't enough bacon fat.  Then I sliced and added about ten medium sized mushrooms.  In went seven vine ripened tomatoes - sliced, the rest of the bacon thinly sliced, and about a cup of tomato paste and two cups of cheap red wine.  Simmer and stir regularly.  Meanwhile back at the ranch the washing came in from the line, unfortunately it needed my help and refused to spontaneously fold and stack itself.  Then I sliced the zucchini and tossed it in, cut up the broccoli (even the stalk) and added it too.  Another slosh of wine and turn it down to simmer and reduce.  This concoction can be made with any veggies you happen to have on hand, any meat or it can be vegetarian, the only really standard requirements are the onions, tomatoes, and the wine.  The rest is completely flexible.  You can serve it on pasta or rice, or over meat or even on toast.  TLOML and her son were both suitably impressed (I did warn them that they will need to wait for the next blue moon to see this or anything else cooked by me).

The only problem with my stint as a Domestic Goddess is that I overdid it a bit and I have been paying since about 4pm yesterday afternoon.  Roving muscle spasms and some fairly cruel baseline pain have sidelined me today.  I have even broken my rule about taking drugs that make me drowsy during the day. I caved in and took a valium a little while ago.  I'm hoping that it will help with the spasms but so far not so good unfortunately.  So yesterday's Goddess is today's giant slug lying down.  I still think it was worth it!

All the while I was cooking I was trying to think of a suitable name for my creation.  Heretofore it has always been just called "gunk" but I think it is deserving of a more elegant and sophisticated title.  I considered calling it "Henry VIII Sauce" as I beheaded the zucchini... I would love to hear some suggestions?

Sweating it out

Phew - I know all my friends up in the Northern Hemisphere are suffering through their winter and I know I have been gloating somewhat about their negative temps.  I believe I have earned the right to gloat by spending 7 years in Minnesota and particularly by going skiing one day in jeans and long johns when the temp was minus 10 Fahrenheit (about -23 Celsius).  Karma being what it is I suspect my gloating is coming back to haunt me.

It's warm today, really quite warm, one might go so far as to say it is too warm... you might even say hot.  Right now it is a very humid 86 F with a "feels like" rating of 95 F...  I'm most definitely "all of a glow" and the languid rotation of the ceiling fan is providing scant relief.  It's more than partially my fault that I am now glowing (I guess rivulets might count as more than glowing?).

One of the things I failed to mention in my account of the road trip was that the front right turn light assembly (take note of my new and improved lingo acquired while searching online!) fell off the car somewhere on the first day.  It appears that the previous owner had failed to clip it back in properly after a minor front end repair.  Now Shermie (short for Sherman Tank), my car, is a Volvo, an older model but not showing her age too badly, so parts are quite an expensive proposition.  I went downstairs to check exactly what the part looked like and warmed up considerably.  The genuine part is just over $300.  There is an auto wrecker who "might" be able to get me one for $80, and online - in the US of A I could buy one for $25.  It's hard to believe that something performing the same function could range so vastly in price.  The dude at Volvo needed the Vin number to be able to search, so with him still holding on the phone I went downstairs again to get the Vin.  The second trip down and then up the stairs really kicked in the glow glands!

So I'm off for a tepid shower.  Mum always said that to cool down the shower must be tepid because either a hot one or a cold one stimulates blood flow and heats you up.  TLOML will be finishing work shortly and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her this afternoon.  It's an adjustment, TLOML going back to work, but I think it will be fine.  I will have more time to blog, more time to read, and now that I have finally worked out the enrollment system at the University (is that a secret test to see if we are smart enough to go to University?) I will soon be starting school.

I'll be interested to see if the FMS gets better or worse in the heat so far it seems to be much of a muchness but I am dutifully keeping my pain diary (if catching up the last two weeks could be called dutiful...) so if there are any significant changes it should be evident.  I do know, for me, that being cold makes everything hurt more.  I get more muscle spasms and more joint pain specifically.  I'm wondering if the heat might have a bad effect on my fatigue levels...  Oh well I'll know soon enough.  Any thoughts?

Health/Love Update - Counting down!

Today I had my last visit for the year to Professor McCool. 

.

He, like everyone who sees me, couldn't help but notice the elevation in my mood and energy level.  It was an uneventful visit comprised of reports on a series of negatives.  They say you can't prove a negative and I suspect that is the problem with rotten old Fibromyalgia.  Until they can find some specific physiological symbol we are just a bunch of people with a range of similar symptoms who aren't testing positive to any of the things that could be causing our problems.

Good news was that the MRI was totally clear and my brain (and I resent this comment) "is perfectly normal".  Aside from the slight against my exceptionalism it really was very good news.

I don't have any of the odd things he was looking for.  There are still some irregular markers of an auto-immune condition in my blood but whatever it is has decided to remain anonymous.  He did tell me to go ahead and take the Lyrica prescribed by the Pain Clinic, but he was concerned that it would need to be increased and the Pain Clinic doc had not allowed for that in the script.  I was on Lyrica for a while in the US (before I ran out of health insurance) and it had no effect but who knows?  It's worth a try.

I have been feeling pretty good lately.  Fatigue levels are quite low, baseline pain is manageable and breakthrough pain is nasty but at least it isn't constant.  It might not surprise you that this growing thing with TLOML is keeping me pretty excited and upbeat.  We are down to counting hours (being inside 3 days).  In the last few days we have progressed to talking on Skype.  

It's interesting but this relationship has moved through these stages of growth in such a way as to remind me of when The Boy was young.  Those of you who are parents will probably identify with this metaphor.  You have a baby and it stays whereever you put it then it starts to roll over and sit up and you LOVE the new stage but a part of your mourns the old one...  Then the baby starts to walk or crawl and becomes mobile and you LOVE the new phase but you mourn the one that has passed... Then they become fully fledged toddlers and you LOVE etc etc... Then you have a school child and you LOVE etc etc and so on through to adulthood.  I distinctly remember the pain of knowing that my baby wasn't a baby any more, my little kid was a teenager, my teenager is a man...  I have felt this way during the growth of this relationship... we started with instant messages... moved to texts... to phone calls... to skype... in less than three days we will be together.  Each phase has its joys and leaving each stage has been a little bit scary, a little bit sad, and a big bit exciting!

I saw a documentary a while back (I have tried to find information on it unsuccessfully) in which scientists identified scent profiles and who would likely be attracted to them.  Then set a bunch of hetero people loose in a cocktail party kind of environment with instructions to sniff the necks of the people of the opposite sex.  They then compared the participants statements of how attracted they were to the various opposite sex participants.  The interesting thing was that there was a strong correlation with the chemical analyses prediction and the anecdotal reports.  Their conclusion was that we are pre-programmed, chemically, to be attracted to certain scents.  It appears TLOML and I have only the scratch and sniff component of this relationship to confirm.  We are wondering if the scent profile for people who like each other as friends is the same or different... Mostly because we already liked each other all those years ago when we were nearly blank slates.

Between you and me (and the giant internet stranger who might be reading this) I think the pheromone check is almost a formality *Smile*...  I just hope I can live up to her expectations.

Stay tuned for more news ... same bat channel... same bat station!

Shopping... ugh...

The other day while I was waiting in the pain clinic I saw an advertisement on TV for some shoes.  I need some new shoes.  When I came home from the US I was RUTHLESS, I tell you, I was completely devoid of all RUTH!  Any shoes that were uncomfortable, worn, of just plain ugly were unceremoniously consigned to the Goodwill.  Any jeans or shorts that were too tight, same destiny.  (I still ended up with so much excess baggage to cost me nearly $1000 in baggage fees AND my carry-on bag was over 50 lbs and I couldn't lift it into the over-head locker without some help!)

Unfortunately among the rejects were some very nice semi dressy sandals that had a little heel (maybe an inch and a half), I used to wear them but the leather was a bit hard over my toes and they cut into my feet if I was in them for to long.  I also ditched my crocs (making The Boy happy because he thinks they are the ugliest shoes in the world) and my 'go to' comfy heels.  So anyway, the shoes advertised were very reasonably priced and I thought I might find something suitable there.  There was only one problem...  None of their stores are anywhere near where I live.

So today, after a pitiful night's (I say euphemistically) sleep I decided to head out to the factory outlet stores in the western burbs of Sydney.  In spite of the fact that I arrived only fifteen minutes after the centre opened there  was no handy parking, and there were definitely no disabled parking slots.  I'm not sure why but it seems here in Australia there are more "people with babies in prams" parking spots than disabled ones... I'm not sure why, but if I ever figure it out you will definitely hear from me.  I eventually found a parking spot and made my way into the stores.  The shoe outlet definitely did have lots of potentially suitable shoes but they only had a couple of chairs to sit in while trying on the shoes and working one-handed (as my other hand was busy with my portable banister) I juggled several pairs to try on.  I chose a nice pair of sandals with about a two inch heel and for good measure (and to annoy The Boy) I popped for the $5 for a pair of navy blue imitation Crocs too.  There is a reason I, a butchish lesbian, wear heels...  I know it seems a little incongruous but I have bilateral partial ruptures of my Achilles tendons and flat shoes cause all kinds of pain in that area (unfortunately heels cause all kinds of pain in other areas far to often).  A glance towards the two open registers showed lines of at least ten people each, so seeing as I was already there I decided to check out the jeans.  The good news is that I have lost about three inches around my waist!  (Never fear there is still plenty of me to go around, or should I say to be gone around?)  Anyway I did choose a pair of French blue jeans that I think look a little more flattering than the super baggy over-sized jeans I have been wearing lately.

Queues are NOT my friends.  Not only am I forced to be on my feet for much longer than is actually comfortable but I also have some issues about having strangers in my personal space and so I get a little anxious when I am in any kind of a "crush" of people.  I generally have to practice some self meditation to endure a queue, I picture golden sands, soft breezes, palm trees etc... I waited, for the most part with good grace, I did get a woman behind to hold my place for a moment while I grabbed a shirt for The Boy's Christmas present.  I finally paid and escaped and had a collapse for a few minutes on one of the couches in the middle of the passageway.  I did make one other purchase of a Christmas present from a cooking shop but by the time I was out of there I was seriously dragging my arse (which is ironically the antithesis of "hauling ass").  I was moving very slowly.  Normally my left side is much more painful than my right, for some reason, so I have become accustomed to holding my cane in my right hand but typically today, when I am also carrying shopping bags, my right knee decided to demand my attention.  It was very odd trying to coordinate with my cane in my left hand... it felt wrong.

When I got back to the car I was so relieved to flop into the seat that I just sat there for a while before pulling out, to the irritation of the people waiting for my spot.  I'm very happy to be home and horizontal again.  What an ordeal!

On a lighter note, today it is only six days until TLOML arrives for her first visit.  Things have been progressing very nicely on that front.  I still feel a little strange using her name and I'm not sure how comfortable I will be whispering "Displaced" to her in a tender moment, the idea of beginning a relationship with someone who has my name is kind of odd.  My friend The Mathematician calculated the odds of two people with our specific name becoming a couple and it came out to around one in a billion (based on name stats and population of the US, and a presumption of % of lesbians, and the eye of a frog and the hair of a stegosaurus, add water and stir).  It is entirely possible that we may actually be the ONLY couple in the world who share our particular name, which is really pretty cool I think!

It's no secret I am besotted!  I must say I have been getting a little anxious about our first meeting, the idea of my mental image of her combining with my memories of her from school and amalgamating into the reality of her live and in person sitting in my passenger seat is VERY exciting and a little frightening too!  Still, this experience is the best thing that has swum into my ken (to borrow from Keats) in many long and miserable years and win, lose, or draw I am grateful for every moment.

Rest assured - I will keep you posted!

Pain Clinic Update

Well, today was the day...  I couldn't sleep and woke very early after probably 4 hours of broken sleep.  I was very early to the appointment but it did mean I got a great parking spot!  (I always say I will never win the lottery because I use up all my luck on finding parking spots!)  The hospital is huge and it was still a very long walk through to the clinic (I wonder why they don't have moving footways like the airport?).

First I saw a psychologist and answered about 4,672, no hang on it was 4,676, questions.  Next I was meant to see a physiotherapist but the physio was off sick so I ended up with a wait of about an hour and a half before seeing the doctor.  I didn't have to exaggerate the pain today, though it was still a pretty good day by and large, all the sitting around was really starting to take a toll by the time I got in to see the doctor.

The doctor was young and very muscular, he was also very understanding and quite irritated by his pager that went off at least 6 times in the hour I spent with him.  He was very sweet doing a trigger point examination; he apologized each time I squealed and had to be scraped off the ceiling.  He diagnosed me with... wait for it... I hope you are on the edge of your seats...

Fibromyalgia!

Well that was a huge surprise, not the diagnosis I have known that for ages - a medical facility where they believe in FMS!

He has decided to put me back on Lyrica, which did nothing for me in the four and a half months I took it in the US.  Who knows, though, the dose might be different, I might respond differently.  He is also putting in an order for me to go into hydrotherapy which I think might be terrific except that there is not going to be an opening until next year and ... well... with the developments in my personal life I may well be in a completely different part of the country by the time they get me scheduled in.

The Lyrica is not covered by the government pharmaceutical benefits program but because I got the script filled at the hospital they only charged me the benefits rate which is pretty cool!  It also means that I will have to get to the hospital pharmacy at least once a month which is rather inconvenient.  Not that I mind if the damn thing is helping!!!  I did get the script filled but I have decided not to start taking it until I see Professor McCool on Monday.  I just feel like I trust him more to make sure there are not any harmful interactions with the other stuff he has me taking.

By the time I got back to the car I was really dragging pretty badly and I was in a lot of pain.  Straight home to the blissful relief of being horizontal.  I even had a nap - something I almost never do in the day time.  I'm still feeling exhausted and pretty sore but that's it for appointments for this week.  Back on the treadmill again  with McCool on Monday and McLovely on Tuesday.

Trudging through treacle...

I am calling it treacle but I resent the fact that treacle is a substance of which I am rather fond...

It might be better called tar or mud which are both unpleasant but which don't quite capture just how hard it is to make my body move today.

Even typing is hard and keeping my eyes open is even harder...but I feel like I need to spit something out there.

I think where I used to have exhaustING days now I have exhaustED days... far too frequently.  My body feels a bit like it used to feel after a 200 metre sprint, only there hasn't been a sprint.  I tried to describe the feeling to Professor McCool the other day and missed this metaphor unfortunately...  I wonder if it means something that my muscles feel like I am in an anaerobic state?

I'm off the juice diet, McCool said to stop and I'm glad I did cause I didn't have even a single day while I was on it when I felt strong or energetic.  Mind you I feel crappy still so maybe it wasn't the diet's fault.  My fingernails liked the diet they seem healthier.

So night after night I have been waking and not being able to go back to sleep, little snatches of sleep just can't sustain anyone.  Last night I took one of the anti-depressants McCool prescribed and I slept all almost all night and was like a zombie all day...  I hope they don't continue to knock me out that much.  I hate taking meds.

I'm such a cheap drunk!