Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Roman blinds, a busy week and avoidant behaviour...

I guess writing this blog is part of my avoidant behaviour...  I'm hiding from the readings I should be doing for my university course...  If it weren't for  the last minute I would never get anything done!

We have had a really busy week!  I needed some recovery time after the weekend spent at university and I took a little on Monday before swinging into action and cooking the 'Aromadorable Gunk' (thank you Carinthia!) in an enormous quantity.  Tuesday was to be my introduction to TLOML's "extended, blended, family diner".  So on Monday I cooked the sauce and that evening TLOML and I worked our way through my mum's "no fail Pavlova recipe" because TLOML's younger son turned 15 on Tuesday and he had requested a Pavlova for dessert instead of a cake!

The last time (the only time) I made a Pavlova was with mum coaching me through it in the kitchen of my duplex in St Paul Minnesota on the eve of my 44th birthday (2006).  Anyone who reads my blog with any frequency will know how often I talk about my mum and what a huge part she plays in my life even now when she has been gone for three and a half years.  So it was a lovely and bittersweet occasion to be making the Pav here in my new environment.  I was more than a little sad that The Boy (my son) was not here to share the evening (and the Pav) too.  I am missing him horribly.

The extended blended family is a very special group who are linked by shared children... it might best be described by an equation, which would necessitate an understanding of maths (which I do not possess) - but I will try...

TLOML and her ex (P) are the parents of the birthday boy (B)
P is now with D and she has two sons (T & F)
T & F's father, A, is now with M and they have two daughters (b & a)

This group generally gathers for "family dinner" to celebrate anyone's birthday or for other special events and on Tuesday night we hosted the entire clan (which now, including me, totals 11).  We had a lovely night, the Aromadorable Gunk went over well and the Pavlova was gobbled up quickly.  P and D hung out for a while later in the evening after A & M had to get the little girls home to bed.  It was really good having a chance to get to know them better.  I have some of social anxiety and P had been gently inclusive throughout the evening, especially noting that it was my first "family dinner" and I was grateful for his efforts though I still found the bigger group a bit overwhelming.  The after dinner cuppa with P &  D was more my style and I was much more relaxed.  They both have really nice energy and it was great to let the anxiety go.  It's a real credit to ALL of these people that they have such good relationships with their ex's and that the lives of the kids can include this bigger circle of love and support.  If it takes a village to raise a child then this group is getting it right.  On a personal note P said to me, (in front of TLOML) "I'm just glad you are making her happy" and I think it is the second time he has expressed that sentiment to me.  It's wonderful to be with someone who has such a caring and civilized relationship with their ex.

Wednesday saw us gathering with the extended, blended family and a host of their other friends for the Syrian dinner which went really well.  I did adjourn to the couch earlier than most but managed to handle the cushion on the floor while we ate.  I lost much of yesterday to anti-histamine induced sleep following more itchy and scratchy and here I am today casually writing a blog!

I have been working up to a Roman blind repair project.  I have investigated the mechanisms, purchased the cord, bought new split rings to replace the really cruddy ones that are on the blinds and made inquiries about getting a hot glue gun so that I can shorten them.  This project is providing a nice distraction from the pile of readings I should be doing for my current course at Uni.  Unfortunately I think the pulley mechanism at the end of the blind is dead so I might need to figure out how to replace that or jerry-rig up some kind of replacement.  I will walk around this problem for a while longer before actually tackling it.  There are (at least) three of them here that need repair.  (An excellent avoidance technique.)

Almost every day, while she is at work, I send TLOML a text in which I tell her "I adore you" in a different language, today was Latin (Ego adorabunt te),  though I have done languages from Afrikaans to Welsh.  It's part of my job description as Officer in Charge of Adoration.  TLOML finishes work early this afternoon...  I think we should have lunch out and then maybe hit one of the waterfalls on the creek...  Whatever we do will be fine though.  We both seem to be pretty happy as long as we are reasonably close and not apart for too long.  TLOML says she feels so safe with me that she can be a brat, she is too!  But it just makes me smile.  We are relaxed with each other in the way of couples who have been together for a long time.  This has to be the lowest anxiety relationship I have ever been in!  With no fights or arguments we have weathered an externally generated problem undamaged and perhaps even more closely bonded.  Less than 4 months ago my life was very dark and I couldn't see much in the way of a positive future.  My how things can change!

See?  I have managed to absorb an hour and a half without picking up a text book!

I survived

Actually I survived and perhaps even prospered.

It is midnight and Christmas just began with a kiss...

In four and a half hours we have to get up and go to the airport from whenc. we shall jet away to TLOML's island home.

The family do today was very nice and went quite well.  I think we were all being rather careful to stay on our best behaviour but it was successful.  My step-sister really rose to the occasion and kept the conversation light, bubbly and inclusive, my nephews were terrific and my straight brother and I exchanged phone numbers and even shared a chuckle or two.  The Boy was charming but a little distant and I am glad he had the opportunity to spend some time with his cousins.  All in all not too bad!.

The evening was spent with TLOML's brother and his family and The Boy and I could not have felt more welcome.  It was a lovely evening capped off by a call from TLOML's niece who is in Germany.  She especially wanted to talk to TLOML and I which was really special and inclusive.

Things are going pretty damn well actually!

I need to talk about the physical stuff soon but I just don't have time for now... surviving on that front has been a bit more of a challenge but more on that later.

Dear Mum, Happy Birthday.

Dear Mum,

today is your birthday and you would have been turning 94. Every year since you died I have written about you and told my friends what a wonderful woman you were and how much you will always live on in my heart. Yet every year since you died I have not been able to speak clearly of my own life because I have known that you would have been worried for me and perhaps disappointed.

When I went back to the US after your death I seemed to draw some strength from you and I found my spine and almost immediately extricated myself from the terrible relationship I was in at that time. I just knew that you would never have wanted me to be abused and manipulated as I had been.

Finally, three years after your death, I have things happening in my life that I know would make you happy. I've been living in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, in your old stomping ground, and the memories of you, my aunts and uncles and my cousins, are very strong nearly every day. You are omnipresent in my mind.

I know you often thought my partners didn't treat me well enough. I always knew the bias of your love and the way you so selflessly cared for the boys and me. I knew that your standard was virtually unobtainable. But Mum, I think I've found the one you would have loved. She is everything the others lacked, soft and good humoured, ready to laugh, kind, caring and oh so very loving.

I sometimes wonder if you would perhaps remember her, or at least remember my speaking of her. She doesn't recall ever meeting you but your steel trap of a mind would remember her if you had met when she and I were at school. I wish you were here to see how she loves me, I think you would approve. It's a bit like the one really good relationship I had, only better. I'm more ready now, Mum. I couldn't stay still before; I was stagnating.

All of my life you only ever wanted to see me happy and yet the last ten years of your life you saw me in almost every condition but happy. I'm happy now. Mum. For once I really think I am with someone you would have loved.

I'm sorry the boys and I have not stuck together, I know that was your dying wish, I will try – I will see them both at Christmas and I will forgive and be open to closeness with them. The Boy will see his cousins and I will take it all in for you. 

Happy Birthday.  I love you.

Protecting me or protecting them?

I'm wondering if it is just part of the human condition or if perhaps it is part of the Australian cultural identity or if maybe it is just me...

I just saw a facebook friend suggestion to connect with my first cousin once removed (my cousin's son) and it made me immediately think that I would really like to touch base with my cousin who I will call Sugar Plum (not because it describes her in any way but simply because it was part of a rhyme that my mother used to say in reference to her).  When I first came home to Australia she was one of the first people I wanted to connect with but then my Gay Brother told me she was going for a month long trip overseas so I let it go...  Now I know she would be back but for some reason I am hesitating to reach out to her.  She was one of my mother's "girls", one of a handful of people my mother loved above all others.

Sugar Plum is about 9 or 10 years older than me (she was the oldest surviving grandchild and I the youngest) so when we were kids, although our families spent quite a lot of time together, she and I were not really in the same generation and had only passing interactions.  I thought she was brilliant and glamourous and I think she thought I was hyper and annoying.  By the time I grew into adulthood she had a husband and three rambunctious boys and I was off trying new things and spreading my wings.

The 1990's saw a string of horrible losses in her family.  First her younger brother died of cancer and then her father, my beloved uncle (after whom I named The Boy) died and then her mother, my irrepressible aunt, died as much of a broken heart as of the colon cancer she had fought for so many years.  My mother was by then the closest thing to a parent she had and I was happy to share her.  Sugar Plum was the only person other than myself and my two brothers who we told when mum was dying in 2008.  She made the trek up the coast to see  mum one last time and on my way back to the US that trip, after mum died, I spent a night in her house and an evening laughing and crying together.  It might have been the first and only time we were alone as two adult women.

I love my cousin, there's no doubt of that, but I don't want to burden her with my problems.  I think it is human nature to want to solve the problems of others... As a side note I think that's why so many people are always making suggestions and recommendations to those of us who have chronic illnesses.  I am wondering if my reluctance to get in touch is about trying to protect her from wanting to help me or if it is about protecting myself in some way.  Time passes and it gets harder and harder to make that initial contact.

Back when I first got really sick with FMS, or whatever the hell they decide this condition is, I retreated.  At that time I was living in the US and the people I withdrew from were my friends.  I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to be a giant misery guts whining about how shitty I felt.  I felt, in many ways as I feel today; I feel like I have nothing positive to offer, nothing to bring to the table.  My health isn't my only problem at the moment (as if it wasn't enough), I'm really broke cause I can't work and I am living on a small government benefit.  I can't go on staying where I am staying for much longer, and though my wonderful friend with whom I am staying won't throw me to the wolves I know that I am overstaying my welcome and that stresses me out.  So back to the default setting I go - I retreat.

When I get really down and out, when reaching out to others would help, I do the opposite and pull away.  I'm really lucky that there are a few people who listen and understand and don't seem to consider me to be too much of a burden so I'm not in complete retreat.  I'm seeing The Best Friend several times a week and that's wonderful, and I had lunch yesterday with The Reader and that was great....  There are others who are there for me in wonderful ways, thank goodness.  But I am feeling very uncomfortable about calling my cousin, I don't know if I am up to starting from scratch to explain all this to someone else and yet she is my closest living female relative and I am hers.  We share a huge pool of people we have loved and lost and we are in many ways the only remnants of my mother's family.

So, should I call Sugar Plum?

Expectations are the root of all disappointment

The title of this blog is my phrase - I coined it about thirty years ago and I have never heard anyone else saying it...  It came to me in one of those fits of clarity when one of the pieces falls into place...  It came to me when I had an awakening that my dad was never going to be like Gidget's dad.  He was never going to be Mike Brady  or the character Brian Keith played in A Family Affair; not Father Knows Best, not Ward Cleaver.  There was a seminal moment when I realized that I was unhappy because I had expectations that were not being met.

Were they reasonable expectations?  I'ts a good thing you asked that question!  Is it ever reasonable to expect someone to give more than they want to give?  Is it ever reasonable to expect someone to be someone they are not?  Is it ever reasonable to think you should be welcome at your father's home?

I wrote a blog the other day about my disappointment in my brothers not attending Eileen's funeral and I took it down because I thought I had been too hard on them.  Their reasons were valid and it is unreasonable for me to subject them to the standard of honour I apply to myself.  Yesterday before the funeral Gay Brother called me to ask me to convey his regrets which was fine, but in the conversation I told him that I have a problem with my thyroid (among other things) and he casually said that Straight Brother has also.  Straight Brother has a auto-immune disease that is strongly hereditary and Gay Brother had been tested but did not have it.  At the time I was only mildly perturbed and the conversation moved on.  Later when I was thinking about the conversation I started to be very concerned that no one had bothered to tell me.  If the condition is hereditary and Gay Brother bothered to get checked out why did it not occur to either of my brothers to tell me so that I could be checked out?  Why didn't anyone remember that I too carry the same genes and the same propensity to be affected by the same conditions?  It's just another reminder that I am invisible, out of sight - out of mind I guess.  It looks, from my blood results, like I have Hashimoto's Disease which manifests at hypothyroidism where my brother's condition manifests as hyperthyroidism.  Still, I may have been further along the road to understanding my issues if someone (anyone) had bothered to mention this "hereditary" problem to me.  Or is that just another unreasonable expectation?

Today has been physically a BAD day for me.  The pain in my shoulder when I washed my hair this morning was so bad I had to sit down and sweat for a few minutes before I could move enough to dry myself, today is one of the days when my clothes are hurting me, when any movement can stimulate a stabbing pain, when everything aches.  If I hadn't had an unavoidable appointment I would have spent the day recovering from the not very strenuous day yesterday.  At that interview today with the government I was asked when I last had a good day and it made me realize that my definition of a good day is changing.  I need to think about that some more.  What I call a good day at the moment might well have been what I would have called a bad day 2 years ago.  Are these just my expectations making natural adjustments to my situation?

If I could find a way to have no expectations would I always be delighted with what I was given?  Would every day be a good day?

(Is this secretly just another point of view on the pessimistic optimist?)

Off to see Dr McLovely now after my urgent horizontal rest.

Too tired really - just a quick update.

Today we said goodbye to Eileen, I cried so much I think I became dehydrated.  I was almost embarrassed to be weeping so steadily.  But I wasn't only grieving for Eileen, I was crying for my mother, my father, my aunt and uncles, my cousins, my friends who are gone, and for all of us who are left behind.  I have decided that grief is cumulative.  Another thought that occurs to me is that I want to cry so often and don't.  I want to cry when it hurts so much I feel like it will never ease, I want to cry when I'm told to suck it up cause it isn't that bad, and I want to cry when the level of irritation my body is feeling makes real rest almost impossible.  So I have a lot of repressed tears, well I did before filling several tissues today.

The Boy was wonderful and I am so very grateful to have him nearby again.  The Best Friend deserves to have her halo polished (with the deluxe wax job!) for being so thoughtful and kind today.  I arrived at her house (where the boy will be staying for the next couple of months) to find she had laid a sheet and a pillow on the couch so I would have somewhere nice and clean to lie down immediately.  I wanted to worship at her shrine and of course (in an effort to make sure I left no tear duct even vaguely moist) I cried with relief to be horizontal, safe, and able to let go of the rigid determination to "soldier on" for at least a little while.  (You will be proud of me to know I managed NOT to whimper!)

I have a huge day tomorrow again and I don't know how I am going to drag myself through it.  Doctors, the Government, more doctors...  But I will do it because I have waited weeks for these appointments.

I just want to finish by saying that there really are some phenomenal people out there... we lost one in Eileen but  others remain.  I feel a bit like the tarot card the 5 of swords... 3 are gone but 2 remain...

All is not lost.

Family

Warning - down beat - woe is me - gonna eat worms blog to follow.

Stop reading now unless you take great interest in train wrecks and freeway accidents.

I'm warning you for the last time...

Somehow I have managed to become one of those people almost nobody cares about.

My son is an exception to this sad sack statement. I have a few good friends and I am not in any way belittling their love and kindness, I do feel it and I do appreciate it, but friends are not partners, and friends are not family.  My friends have spouses and kids and busy busy lives and I am not integral to their existence.

It's Saturday night and I am sitting alone with my computer on my lap watching/listening to a terrible little TV, with a "rabbits ears" aerial.  There is an Agatha Christie mystery showing (I think that is what it is) but there is so much snow that I can't really see the features of any of the actors.  I don't care 'cause I don't want to watch it anyway although I the soundtrack in the background fills the void in my room somewhat.  My knees are burning (they've been hurting all day) and my left foot is cramping and in spasm, my left hip is throbbing as usual (there is other crap hurting but I'll only bore you with the more extreme issues).  I'm worried about Christmas.

My family isn't close.  I have two brothers both wrapped up in their own lives/families - my parents are dead.  My relationship with my step-mother and step-sister has always been problematic.  My sister-in-law, for a reason I have never known, has not spoken a single word to me since 1992 (I think it was because I was pregnant too).  My other brother's male partner is a great guy and he and I get along pretty well.  Not one of them is in any way interested in what matters to me. how I feel, what I think, what I blog about or anything else.  They don't seem to place any value on my intelligence, wit, or insight.  You know how you get labeled as a child in a family - "the naughty one", "the clever one", "the sensible one" -- somehow I was tagged as "the serious one" or perhaps "the boring one".  On the rare occasions when a member of my family actually "hears" when I say something funny or witty they look at me like I have suddenly explained the physics of a black hole or sung an aria in Italian, because I am NOT "the funny one".  (Strangely my friends and former coworkers have never had this same perception.)  But I digress...

Recently I returned to Australia after living for 12 years in the US.  Aside from my mother's death and my father's funeral I have pretty much managed to avoid all family gatherings.  Mum and my gay brother used to visit the US and see me pretty often but mum has been dead now three years.

My step-mother is hosting Christmas.  The email invitation came out inviting us all.  Everyone's name was mentioned, in-laws and kids too, except mine but I know that was just an oversight - Freudian maybe, but not deliberate.  My son was named though!  So this motley crew is assembling at her house on Christmas eve, cause everyone except me has lots of other places to be on the actual day.  It will be the first time I have been in the same building as my sister-in-law for over 19 years, the first time I have seen my niece and two nephews in at least 10 years, the first time I have seen my straight brother since my dad died 21/2 years ago, and I think it will be the first time we have ever ALL been in the same place.

None of these people have any idea how much FMS is bothering me, even my son doesn't really know, cause I always push so much harder when he is around, I always want him to see the best of me.  I don't think either of my brothers even knows I have fibro, though I know I have told them somehow I don't think they really heard me.  To be honest I don't think anyone in my family ever hears me.  Except to chastise me for my failures, to dictate to me with advice that is not open to discussion, or to patronize me with superficial interaction I don't think they are interested in me at all.  I am superfluous.

If I wandered off and none of them ever heard from me again would anyone give a shit?  Would anyone look for me if I were kidnapped or wandering lost with amnesia?  Would anyone visit me if I was sick in hospital?  Aside from my son, the answer is no.  I have not fostered or built these relationships, I carry the lions share of the blame,  I have created my own irrelevancy.   My mother was the glue that bound my brothers and I together, she was so happy when she was dying to see the three of us together getting along, but after she died we just went back to our corners of the world.

I feel unloved and unlovable and I don't know how I will endure this gathering and yet I could never bring myself to not go.  I could not deprive myself of even this twisted a gathering of magnified dysfunction. Is it like playing with a sore tooth?  Am I drawn to poke at this bruise that exists where family should be?  Or is it like most things a mixture of good and bad, happy and sad, healthy and sick, understood and misunderstood, happiness and sorrow, pleasure and pain, love and hate...

I guess I will know more on Christmas Day when it is all over and I am sitting alone the same way I am now...