Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Good News Monday!

I know I am an unforgivably slack blogger.  I ask for no forgiveness and I know my apologies are not nearly sufficient.

That said -- I have been BUSY!!!

Chronological order usually seems like the best way to relay a narrative account of events but not today I have news I am busting to share!

I just handed in an assignment to the University (one that I suspect is inferior in quality, unfortunately) and as I opened my uni email to send the assignment in I found several emails from the Director of the Master of Conflict and Dispute Resolution Program in which I am studying.  One was giving me a mark for the last subject I finished and I was STUNNED to discover that I had achieved a High Distinction on each of the components and therefore my first HD for a whole course!!!  Yippee was I completely surprised I thought my final assignment on that subject was  a load of tripe and onions.  I also had an email giving me a totaled mark for the subject I finished before that (in this case I got an HD for the major assignment but a Credit for an earlier piece of work gave me a Distinction average).  None of this is THE good news...

I also had an email from this professor advising me that she has received funding for a part time research assistant and asking IF I AM INTERESTED!!!!

Does the Pontiff wear a silly hat?
Is a duck's bum watertight?
Are polka dot bikinis itsy bitsy and teeny weeny?

Of course I am bloody interested!

I don't know too much yet - the project is looking at conflict between PhD Students and their Supervisors.  Both of the lecturers involved in the project know me and know that I have health issues and problems with endurance, they are both quite flexible, so I'm pretty sure they would be flexible and quite possibly some of the work would be able to be done remotely (coming to you live from my bedroom!).  Anyway, it's very exciting and here's hoping... it could be the inauspicious beginning of my academic career!

OK now to some newsy stuff...  at the end of June I celebrated my 50th birthday.  I had a lovely day with TLOML pottering around in town and shopping at the hardware shop (the Aussie version of Homo Depot). I can't really remember why we were there but we got some fairy lights for the party and a solar powered pair of spotlights that now light up the back yard on a movement sensor.  We had spent the week leading up to the birthday cleaning, sorting, tidying, decorating and generally finally moving me in.  The Nurse (whom I adore more every day) gave me, as my birthday present, 6 hours of her labour and came the day before my birthday and got so much done I was amazed!  I am returning the favour now by giving her some handy work on an as needed basis - already I think I will put in a new toilet roll holder and there is some other stuff she wants me to do.  A great idea cause we get to hang out together - get stuff done - save money - and make each other feel good -- Wins all around!

We had a lovely visit from The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter for a few days and a quite small party the day after my birthday.  One night while the visitors were here we went in the evening to a place called West Point to watch the sunset.  TLOML's ex (who I am just crazy about as I have said here before) came and brought his guitar and his mandolin, their son (Who would have thought I could find a kindred spirit in a 15 year old boy?) built a fire on the beach and I got absolutely sloshed and sang all evening.  It has been a LONG LONG time since I enjoyed something like that!  Here are a couple of pics...

It was the most wonderful evening.

I still miss The Boy and I wish he were closer - he is doing so well fending for himself (well almost he still has the watchful eye of The Best Friend not too far away thank Herbert!).  I feel a real sense of pride in him and I'm so impressed with how well he is approaching his work and his responsibilities.  One of the head honcho's at his work (big position about five levels of management above The Boy) singled him out to come in for a chat and talked about his goals and how he is enjoying his work.  There is even a strong possibility that he might get promoted into a supervisory role before the end of his traineeship.  I feel so incredibly fortunate in that area because Herbert knows I made more than my share of parental mistakes and still managed not to totally break him - by good luck not good management!  We Skype'd for a while the other day which is a pretty good substitute for being together.  He turns 19 in a couple of weeks... how the years have flown!

Things are going well with TLOML.  We hit an occasional bump but we seem to bounce back pretty well...  There is a lot of love and understanding between us... The dogs (our shared babies) are a constant source of joy, amusement and aggravation (that would be Frizby delivering that part) and we have to control ourselves from talking about them all the time when we are with other people.  I have also been twice to the produce store to acquire some new chooks (chickens) and today is the first time we have had TWO EGGS!!!  She calls me "The Chook Whisperer" when I sneek out at night to make sure the new chookies have not been excluded from the perch (I pick them up and put them on the perch for the night).

Pastoral, peaceful, pleasant, playful, pleasing and paradisical... (unfortunately still painful too, but c'est la vie).

I think island life agrees with me....

C is the Cutest of them all

Here we are in Sydney Calm and Concealed at TLOML's bro's house.  We Collected the rental Car and Charged through the Congestion...  It is Cool to be Carefree.  The harbour is Clingquant!( I know that is a Cryptic word but it is so Correct!).  This evening we are off to see The Boy and have Chow with The Best Friend and her Clan so that should be Completely Coruscant!

Charming, Crazy and Curt
to each I've been wed
and by all I've been hurt.

Feeling old... Defensive walking...

Age is a funny thing it's relative, personal, and it's tied to time which is such an elastic concept that there seems to be no rhyme or reason.  The passage of time is completely esoteric.  You certainly can't pin it down.

Yesterday The Best Friend had a birthday.  She was treated to the dubious pleasure of TLOML and I singing Happy Birthday onto her answering machine.  The Best Friend was one of the youngest women in our class at school.  In June I will turn 50 and TLOML hits her half century in November.  Strangely,The Chef, who was featured recently in a newspaper article has managed to only be 47....  Hmmm very interesting, cause I am almost certain that she was actually older than me!   LOL.  Oh well, we know that there are some things that can halt the passage of time and most of them have to do with wealth and fame.  I don't blame The Chef really; after all, 50 is a VERY BIG number!

Jazz, my blogging fibro sister, has written a great blog about feeling older than she is and rather than repeat all the things I wanted to say that she has already said I will just link to her here (I'm sure she won't mind).  It's a great blog.  So often I have ideas fermenting in my brain getting close to becoming a blog and Jazz will jump in just before I am ready to write it and steal all my thunder!  Sometimes we seem to be eerily in sync.

My take on this feeling older actually needs to be credited to a conversation I had with The Best Friend a couple of months ago.  She pointed out the way elderly people negotiate their way through a crowd.  Many/most/perhaps all seniors move near other people with a visible hyper-vigilance.  This isn't "defensive driving", it's "defensive walking".  Keeping a very close eye on anyone else who is moving nearby and testing the ground before putting all weight on the leading foot has become a way of life for me.  I get it, I really get how elderly people feel out in the world.  I know what it's like to fear an accidental bump with a stranger - I know because it hurts!  It hurts like (insert expletive of your choice) when I get jostled in a stupidmarket queue or when someone laughing unexpectedly steps back into me and it triggers a series of painful spasms that radiate from either the site of impact or from the part of me that moves unexpectedly to save myself.  I now travel the world with the wary, skepticism of a bona fide Methuselah!

When I was a kid I never took a staircase at less than two steps at a time; almost every time I ran down steps I would jump down the last five or six.  I touched a banister only to vault out of the stairs or down to the next flight.  There were two speeds, flat out and stopped.  Those days are gone.  Now I traverse the globe with care, caution, and a desperate desire to anticipate the movements of any other things that move!

Last night I knocked over a glass of water.  Startled myself which hurt my back.  Dropped to my knees to wipe up the spillage which caused stabbing pains to explode from both knees.  Reached under the bed with the bathmat and seriously popped some kind of tendon in my right shoulder.  Then stood up and collapsed on the bed groaning in pain.... see what happens when I am surprised?  Thank goodness TLOML was there to take over and clean up my mess.  The knees and shoulder have yet to relent.  So do I feel older than I am - damn straight I do.  Do I move like someone older than I am - pretty much all the time (unless I forget or react and do something like I did with wiping up the spill last night).  Do I have that suspicious hyper-vigilance about how other people are moving?  Yep, I do.

So to all my geriatric followers (of whom I have none) I get it!  I know you are careful and that the cranky look on your face is actually fear.  I, like you, fear the unexpected.  I don't need to bungee jump for thrills - walking through a crowd is about as much excitement as I can stand!

The things I can write..

Well, here's the story - I'd like to write but I can't really talk about the thing that is dominating my thoughts at the moment.  Perhaps I can best use this forum to talk about the things that are going well.

• TLOML and I are wonderful together.  Even though we have been going through some really very difficult stuff we have supported each other pretty much seamlessly.  I could not have imagined that we would work together so well, so caringly (I know that isn't a word), when going through a crisis situation.  Our precious new relationship has faced an external assault and has proved resilient and solid.  I am astounded by her grace under pressure and by the sensitive awareness she manages to maintain even in the heat of the moment.
• I have been doing reasonably well, health wise lately.  A few days of quite bad pain here and there, some weird things (like the whack-a-mole phenomena mentioned in my last blog), and a general weakness, but mostly I would say that life in the tropics is working well for me.  This is particularly good in view of the stress of the last few days.  I know that I can have an almost immediate physical reaction to stress and fortunately it hasn't been too bad this time.  (Not long before leaving Sydney I was in a stressful situation and even while it was still happening I began to experience very acute pain in multiple areas.)
• The day before yesterday (Sunday), as part of a deliberate plan to try and relax a bit, TLOML and I went for a swim in one of the pools formed in a creek.  There has been a lot of rain lately and as a result all the creeks and waterfalls are flowing.   We slowly and carefully trekked a couple of hundred yards to an oasis of beauty.  On the way in, someone leaving pointed out a koala sitting quite low in a tree.  I have not seen a koala in the wild since I was a small child. This young fellow was hanging out in the fork of the tree watching us.  It was very exciting.  We arrived at the pool at about the same time as a young family that was climbing up the creek bed but they didn't stay long and soon we had this natural haven blessedly to ourselves.  At one point I lay back and floated, totally relaxed (for the first time in ages!), I looked up though the gum trees to a spectacular blue sky with puffy white clouds.  If it sounds idyllic it is only because it is.  About the time we were ready to leave another group arrived.... they could not have been more different from us, they had cigarettes, beers in hand, a bull dog, a boom box, and were yelling to each other.  It takes all kinds...
• Today in about an hour I will pick up TLOML from work and we are going to take the dog and explore another creek that runs into one of the bays here.  Being a weekday, and getting a fairly early start, I'm hoping we will be alone.  TLOML never hurries me or becomes irritated with me when I am slow or unsteady; she's always ready to give me a hand or a shoulder to hang onto.  About the dog - TLOML has a wonderful dog and we've become pretty close, she hangs out with me all day and then she and I share the highlight of both of our days when we go together to pick up TLOML from work.  Four bright loving eyes are waiting in the car for her which must feel pretty good!
• I feel so very fortunate to be here, to be Australian, to live in a country with boundless natural beauty, and abundance.  We did an online shopping order and bought a "Fruit Box" which is a selection of the fruit that is good at the moment.  It was a bit of a mistake and we ended up with all kinds of things we would not normally order (green apples, strawberries, cherries, red grapes etc) but it has been lovely eating my way through all the stone fruit - peaches, nectarines, apricots and plums and I even feel like I am performing a service by eating them before they go off!  The fridge is full of wonderful food, there is beauty at every turn, and I feel loved; how much better does it get than that?

I am missing The Boy, though we talk often on the phone and occasionally on skype, and I'm missing The Best Friend whose warmth and good humour saw me through all those strange and dark days.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday for quite a long time and it soothed me.  She is taking care of my boy and nurturing him for me.  

TLOML has an amazing best friend too and I really need to mention her here... I think I will call her The Nurse.  Throughout this stressful situation The Nurse has been an unfailing voice of reason and sense, she has provided direct guidance and constant support, not only of TLOML but also of me.  I can barely scratch the surface in expressing my gratitude and appreciation to her for her validation and insight.  She has welcomed me unequivocally and I value her in a multitude of ways.

So there you have it... we are taking the rough with the smooth; we are holding together and being kind to each other.  So, for someone who couldn't talk about the big issues, I seem to have managed to have plenty to say!  

On the move again!

Oy Vey!

Tomorrow I am returning from the tropics to glorious Sydney.  TLOML and I are being picked up at the airport by The Best Friend, which is wonderful.  Then back to her house to see The Boy and home to The Horsewoman's house to pack up my things and get ready to move... (again)...

I think I have moved seven times in the two years that ended on Christmas Eve.  It has been far far too often.  This coming move will be my eighth in twenty-five months.  The last move was the hardest...  Culling twelve years of accumulation into six checked bags across the Pacific was exhausting, heartbreaking and expensive.  I was ruthless and I am still looking for things I left behind.  I had this stupid outfit of girl clothes... white pants, a mauve tank top, and a crinkled floral over-shirt of white with mauve flowers...  I have the bloody ugly shirt that I never liked, and the tank top that goes with nothing else I own, but can I find the damn white pants (the only useful part of the outfit) anywhere?  *big frustrated sigh*  I just have to console myself that I made the best decisions I could at the time, as TLOML so often says "We are all just doing our best".

Part of me is dreading the return to Sydney because it is going to be incredibly hectic.  We both have people we love who we want and need to see.  In the four months since I returned to Australia I have reached out over and over to my old friends, my friends from school and university, my friends from my crazy early jobs and even my ex-girlfriends and without exception they have welcomed me into their lives in spite of my pathetic attempts to maintain contact over the decades.  I can't just jump in my car with TLOML and smile and wave and yell "So long and thanks for all the fish!"  I love and appreciate my old friends and I really want to get a chance to see them again this trip and thank them.  I will be leaving The Boy and although I know he is an adult now he will always be my baby, for that matter he is also one of my best friends and is a trustworthy confidant and a thoughtful adviser.  I have really enjoyed being as close to him as we have been the last couple of months.

Of course there will be other trips to Sydney but this move is really significant.  I am packing up and piling my junk in the car and heading 2400 km (about 1500 miles) north with every expectation of staying there forever.

TLOML and I have had a busy and quite stressful couple of days tying to get ready for the return to Sydney and struggling to coordinate the competing priorities of the people in Sydney, and even to some extent, the people up here.  Still we have not had a cross word or a moments disagreement, if anything we have both been a calming influence on each other.  We are well aware that "real life" will not be the same as either the lazy days or the frantic preparation this "holiday time" has provided but I'm pretty certain we will be fine.  I will be studying and she will be back at work and I think we will eagerly anticipate our time together.

So here I go again another giant leap of a move but somehow this one just feels different, it feels right and it feels relaxed in spite of the chaos of the time in Sydney.  I do feel anxiety about getting everything done and seeing everyone we really want to see but I have not had even one moments anxiety about if this is the right decision or if TLOML is the right person.  I named her TLOML and that continues to be the most apt and accurate description.

We will be fine because we will be together.

Batting out a quick blog!

Well I have had a really lovely day today.  Sydney was looking sparkly and bright, not too hot and not too cold... beautiful one moment and perfect the next! (to steal the old Queensland advertising slogan). 

First I got to have a wonderful long talk on the phone with TLOML and everything is copacetic and blissful in that direction.  (Only 5 days until she is here!!!)  Then I went over to visit with my friend The Actress and her delightful hubby The Percussionist, I got to gush over these developments in my personal life and bored them silly I am sure.  We went to see one of the houses on their street go up for auction, which was very interesting.  I spent a few years working as a Realtor back in Minnesota so I found that quite educational.  

Then I wandered off to visit with The Best Friend and her wonderful hubby The Optimist and they were having seafood night!  Yahoo!!  I brought the wine and we enjoyed fabulous garlic prawns and then fresh crabs (that were sweet and succulent and totally delicious).  Then we had a beautiful fruit salad with banana, mango, and peaches - to die for I swear!  The Boy was there and it was great to spend some time with him.  He was getting ready to go out with friends, hitting the town on Saturday night.  Had a cuppa with The Best Friend after dinner and bored her silly too.  My friends are so patient with me.

My fatigue level was really low which is wonderful and the baseline pain was totally manageable.  I have to say if every day was as good as today I think I could rule the world....  Not that megalomania runs very strongly in my veins.  

Now here I am.  Showered and clean , and sans all the crabby mess I acquired eating dinner and very shortly, probably the moment I post this blog, I will be settling in for a good night conversation with TLOML.  To put it bluntly... How much better does it get than this???  

The Universe (aka Herbert) was shining on me today!

Is you is, or is you ain't depressed?

Yesterday I had a bit of an argument with the psychologist I have been seeing,

She thinks that I'm depressed and I don't think that I am any more depressed than any intelligent person would be in my situation.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment that is cause for concern.  Problems with housing, money, the government, oh and let's not forget the stress and uncertainty associated with my health.  There would be something wrong with me if I were vivacious, bright, bubbly and effervescent all the time! Quite frankly, if you take your car to the mechanic and you tell him what is wrong with it, is he or she very likely to turn around and tell you you sound like you hate your car?  Of course when I am at the psychologist I talk about the things that are bothering me!  I have been depressed, I've been down in the blackest parts of my soul.  Hell, I've hung out down there and had a good look around; stirred up the demons.  I know what depression feels like and this isn't it!

Perhaps I should be aiming to give a more fair and balanced account of my state of mind?  Maybe then people would stop asking me if I am thinking about hurting myself?  (This was asked at least 5 times last week which I must confess was a rather low week for me.)  More to the point I am concerned that if the medical professionals who are handling my case start to focus on the idea that I am depressed the next thing they will be saying is that the pain and fatigue (and all their nasty little friends) are all caused by depression and THAT is quite simply NOT the, case.  This pain has followed me, to a greater or lesser extent, through all kinds of emotions, through great highs and horrible lows, through hopeful excitement and abject misery.

Sooooooooo in view of the fact that it has been Thanksgiving in the US, the first Thanksgiving I have missed in a dozen years I am going to talk about some of the things that I am hopeful and excited about.

• I'm eagerly anticipating going back to University next year.  I see it as an opportunity to retrain into an area where I might be able to get high paying part-time work that I could participate in regardless of the effect of fibromyalgia (or whatever the hell this is).  I also see University as an opportunity for me to shine and to increase my pretty low self-esteem.  I have always done well in the past and I hope to do well again.  Furthermore it is an opportunity to meet bright, interesting people and to expand my social circle.
• I have been spending time with The Boy who is now looking at staying in Sydney and perhaps not moving to the UK for a while.  He makes me feel happy and proud and we are close and getting along well (complete with our usual bickering).
• I have rediscovered many of my old friends and I have been spending time with them and I have been feeling appreciated and cared for.  The Best Friend is like a shining beacon of warmth and support and makes me laugh hysterically every time we meet!
• The Reader is angling to get me some copy writing work which would be something I could comfortably do while lying down (which I spend 80% of my life doing).  This would help with my financial woes, and perhaps even my housing problems.
• Then, out of the blue, there is The New Connection with an old friend that seems to be blossoming into something tender and beautiful.  There is even a tiny little voice inside me that is asking ...? well... I'll pause that thought for now.  However she is coming to visit Sydney soon and I am very much looking forward to spending time with her when she is here.
• I have been seeing a really AWESOME group of doctors.  Dr McLovely is caring. helpful, compassionate and kind and Professor McCool is uber cool and is leaving no stone unturned.  While his investigations are hanging over me a bit at the moment I am definitely more hopeful than fearful.
• Today I had a telephone interview for a part-time job.  The good news is that it will not be until next year which gives me some time to resolve all the issues that are holding me back at the moment.  Hopefully by then I will also be feeling better and stronger and I'll be able to work this around my University studies.

Yesterday I had an MRI (ordered by McCool) so no more calling me brainless, ok?  I do have a brain I have a picture to prove it!  I will be seeing McCool on Monday afternoon and although I am frightened of some of the possibilities (and of him finding nothing) I am also excited and hopeful that there might be something that can be treated.  Naturally this is hanging over me to some extent... but I am honestly more hopeful than trepiditious. 

Anxiety, I will cop to, I do have issues with anxiety and stress is a huge trigger for me, but depression?  Not at the moment!

Homeward bound, I wish I were...

The new med I'm taking has made me even more exhausted than usual and perhaps it is also making me depressed...  It wouldn't be the first time an anti-depressant had a depressing effect on me.  Wellbutrin made me cry all the time...  I'm at the point (having taken it 3 times) where I am wondering if I should tell Professor McCool that it is having a negative impact.  Being 3pm on a Friday afternoon I really need to make my mind up.

Today I received two almost identical emails both with the heading "Hello" both somewhat unexpected.  One from my gay brother and the other from my step-sister.  Both were inquiring if I am going to make it to Christmas.  It must have been Check On Displaced Day.  Hmmm.  I mentioned this to both of them and my step-sister insists that it is pure coincidence.

Well, I just put in a quick call to McCool and after being routed to the wrong number 4 times I actually got his office where he personally answered the phone!  He says to persevere and that the tiredness will pass in a week or so.   He asked if I was suicidal.  I've probably been asked that about 5 times this week.  I'm not suicidal.  I would never do that to my son.  I couldn't leave him with that legacy.  Although to be honest, other than him I sometimes wonder, 'what's the point?'

I do have a purpose though, at least for now...  Shortly I am going to drag my sorry arse out of bed and go and pick up The Boy from the train station.  Then I'm taking him back to The Best Friend's house and I'm going to hang out there for a while.  She will make me laugh.

An interesting thing has been going on lately.  I have reconnected with an old school friend (not one mentioned before) and we have been chatting online late in the evenings.  I don't want to make too much of this but it seems for some reason, that is yet to be revealed, this connection is important to both of us.  I actually think about our interaction during the day and even, dare I say it, look forward to our talks.
I wonder if there are people who are like the human equivalent of "comfort food"?
I pose this theory;-
We have a great deal in common (socio-economic background, very similar education, daughters of divorced houses, we have the same unusual name (girls called Displaced are pretty unusual), we are both lesbians, we are both single)
We shared a brief period of time when we were girls/young women (we sat next to each other in class, we belonged to the same school clubs)
We were both kind girls at a time when girls were often so horrible to each other.
We both hated the same teacher... and she hated us!
I wonder if we are comforting to each other in some way, like the smell of baking bread or apple pie might be if your granny had been a baker.  My self esteem is so low at the moment I can't imagine that anyone would be interested in me in any way other than as a friend, I have so little to offer, so little to bring to the table...

So now I need to express my gratitude... The Boy, The Best Friend, The New Connection, The Reader, The Horsewoman, Dr McLovely, Professor McCool, you are all helping me get through this low period in my life and I am grateful for you all.  I am also grateful for my online friends/readers/fellow bloggers - in particular my Fibro Sisters Jazz and Kathy and the coolest advocate of all Sarah... and never to be forgotten My Pseudo!

Too tired really - just a quick update.

Today we said goodbye to Eileen, I cried so much I think I became dehydrated.  I was almost embarrassed to be weeping so steadily.  But I wasn't only grieving for Eileen, I was crying for my mother, my father, my aunt and uncles, my cousins, my friends who are gone, and for all of us who are left behind.  I have decided that grief is cumulative.  Another thought that occurs to me is that I want to cry so often and don't.  I want to cry when it hurts so much I feel like it will never ease, I want to cry when I'm told to suck it up cause it isn't that bad, and I want to cry when the level of irritation my body is feeling makes real rest almost impossible.  So I have a lot of repressed tears, well I did before filling several tissues today.

The Boy was wonderful and I am so very grateful to have him nearby again.  The Best Friend deserves to have her halo polished (with the deluxe wax job!) for being so thoughtful and kind today.  I arrived at her house (where the boy will be staying for the next couple of months) to find she had laid a sheet and a pillow on the couch so I would have somewhere nice and clean to lie down immediately.  I wanted to worship at her shrine and of course (in an effort to make sure I left no tear duct even vaguely moist) I cried with relief to be horizontal, safe, and able to let go of the rigid determination to "soldier on" for at least a little while.  (You will be proud of me to know I managed NOT to whimper!)

I have a huge day tomorrow again and I don't know how I am going to drag myself through it.  Doctors, the Government, more doctors...  But I will do it because I have waited weeks for these appointments.

I just want to finish by saying that there really are some phenomenal people out there... we lost one in Eileen but  others remain.  I feel a bit like the tarot card the 5 of swords... 3 are gone but 2 remain...

All is not lost.