Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Musings on life, Herbert, and blogging

It's some sort of a cycle.

I don't blog, then I feel guilty about not blogging, then I think I have nothing to say and why would someone want to read my drivel, so I don't blog...

I want to talk about all kinds of things but some of them are minutia and some of them might be too personal or might make me look foolish - so I don't write.

There are lots of great excuses - I am busy studying (I have received Distinctions for the first two subjects I have finished), I am busy living (TLOML and the doggers absorb my time), I'm not in great health (when I crash I crash and I just want to let my mind run free in an effort to forget my body is actually still part of me) but none of them is a good enough reason not to write.

In 10 days I will tick over into my 50's and I can't believe it.  In so many ways I'm so unchanged from the child I was.  I'm still homesick for my Mum, though she has been dead nearly four years.  I'm still socially anxious and I still never feel like I fit in.  I still feel like an awkward misfit who doesn't quite get anything right in this world.

A couple of days ago I went to a memorial service with TLOML.  It was for a woman in her early 50's who died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  A few years back I lost a very close friend like that, she was only 44 and it was a devastating shock.  The service was on the beach at sunset and there were lots of people in attendance.  The clothing was casual and colourful.  Lots of people were barefooted.  The local a capella choir, many of whom were close friends of the woman, sung.  When darkness fell a large paper heart was set alight, big paper lanterns were released - rising towards the stars on the power of their flames, and tiny boats with candles were lit and floated into the sea, it was beautiful.  Although I had never met the woman, she and her partner having been overseas since I moved up here, I heard stories of how she had touched people and the causes she had fought for.  More than anything I heard stories of the bond she and her partner shared, it seems they were truly soul mates.  Although I was a stranger, there as a sign of support to TLOML and her friends, some of whom were very close to the woman, I was deeply touched.

There is no justice in this world.  Miserly, miserable people live long unproductive lives making others unhappy and kind, gentle souls can be snatched away without time to say goodbye.  People in horrid relationships become elderly being rude and unkind to each other and someone else loses their soul mate in early middle age.  There is no rhyme or reason, no sense, no logic, Charles Manson grows old in gaol while Princess Diana, who worked so hard for so many valuable causes, is killed at 36.

I don't understand Herbert.  It just is.

Starting tomorrow I have a three day workshop at  the university.  That will probably knock my body around a bit so the weekend will be at least partially dedicated to recovery.  I'm in recovery today too because yesterday I started washing windows.  The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter are coming to visit to share my birthday.  I'm so pleased they are coming and I can't wait to see them.  So TLOML and I need to get the house ready and washing the windows is one of jobs I have decided to tackle.  I like doing things where it makes a big difference, where you can see the result of your labour.  But I pay.  I pay dearly every time I throw myself into a task.  Last week I did a little car maintenance including flushing the radiator and was sore for a couple of days.  Washing the dogs did me in too.  I don't care though.  I would rather keep doing things and know I need a couple of days to recover than not be doing stuff!

On the home front everything is going well.  I miss The Boy though he is doing well in Sydney and is working hard.  The dogs are terrific though Frizby's separation anxiety is a bit of an issue.  Now if I go for a swim she keeps swimming out to me.  TLOML and I had a swim the other day and Frizzle was exhausted from swimming out to us every time we took her back to the beach.  (Hence why I was bathing the dogs!)  The nights are quite cool here at the moment but the days are beautiful.  Sunny and warm and sparkling Especially through the clean windows!!!

Claude Raines has nothing on me!

First I must admit that EVEN I am not old enough to remember Claude Raines performance in The Invisible Man...  I guess I could be a bit more "trendy and current" by referring to the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter books... either way you get my drift!

I am writing this blog for a brand new blog carnival that is specifically focused on Understanding Invisible Illness (UII to those on the inside!).  This first call for blog submissions has asked for successful procedures  or treatments that make life better.  Unfortunately I haven't got a story that is exactly of that ilk but I certainly can wax lyrical, at length, about the influences in my life that have made my (mostly) invisible illness easier to bear.

First though I want to talk a little about what this invisible illness means to me.  Way back when I first started Gonna Eat Worms I wrote a blog about invisible illness and in it I drew a parallel between having an invisible condition and being a gay or lesbian person who looks "straight".  The interesting part of this is that I experience my life as a lesbian primarily as someone whose orientation is quite obvious and yet I experience life as a person with a chronic disabling condition as "able to pass".  Any keen observer, or any person specifically interested in me would realize that I have limitations, they would probably notice that I am in pain even when I choose not to mention it; but the fact is that there are very few keen observers in this world and most people are far more interested in other things (like themselves) than they are in me.  So by and large I can muddle along and remain in the disabled "closet" if that is where I want to be.

Concealing your real identity and hiding your condition, both come at a price.  Never having served in India with the British Raj I have not fully perfected my "stiff upper lip" and hiding my pain and not utilizing aids (like my walking stick/cane) makes everything worse.  It makes things hurt more and for longer, it makes my recovery time longer and more painful, and it sets up a plethora of future situations where people who don't know I have a problem will ask me to do things that I just can't do.  In spite of this substantial weight of evidence I still want to hide sometimes and I can't loudly and proudly declare my condition.  Yes, I can pass and yes, I sometimes choose that option.  There are times when it is advantageous to conceal my weakness and because my condition is fundamentally invisible I have that choice!

So although I have no treatments or procedures that have helped me I do have a couple of HUGE positives that make my life a LOT easier.  I have found doctors who believe me and who don't treat me like I am a malingering bludger... This is NOT the experience of all my Fibro Sisters.  I have a partner (TLOML) who is always considerate of my situation, she checks in with me and gets my personal weather report regularly.  She also runs interference for me with other people, at times "outing" me at a point when I would perhaps have remained closeted, but though in those cases I was pushed rather than jumping I really am glad because it makes life easier when people know and understand.

Tonight we are going to a February 29th party where people will be sitting on the floor to share a Syrian style banquet.  TLOML has been onto it already warning our hosts that sitting on the floor is probably not workable for me and making sure that alternative seating will be available.  I get a little embarrassed when people make a fuss but the longer term benefits of not exacerbating my problems far outweighs the few moments of awkwardness.

Invisibility; a curse and a blessing.  It gives me freedom but also causes me to be the recipient of considerable disrespect at times.  I guess the real problem, personally, is that it compromises my reality and taints my authenticity.  I have been out and proud as a lesbian for nearly thirty years, I have supported my fellow travelers and defended the rights of all people to live their personal truths.  So now I think it's time to summon Gloria Gaynor and blast "I am what I am, I don't want praise, I don't want pity!"  Not just for me but for everyone who lives with disabilities and chronic illness, the more we all speak up, accept and declare ourselves, the sooner we will defeat the stigma of difference.

I need some help...

I guess this post is about acceptance except in this case it is not acceptance of a physical or a health problem it is acceptance of an emotional problem.  I wish I could have a counseling session with Deepak Chopra and learn to "Let it go!" or perhaps a consultation with Steven Covey so that I could more easily accept the shift of a problem from my circle of control to my circle of influence.

Please accept the following as undisputed facts.  There is a situation in which I have been wronged by someone but I am forced (this is not under debate) to rely on an intermediary to deal with the situation.  The intermediary is quite fair but is not without their own set of needs, wishes, and demands as regards this issue.  They are an intermediary not an advocate.  I think it would be reasonable to say that this intermediary is trying to finesse the situation so there is a minimal amount of damage done to any of the parties - but the damage has already been done to me.

I'm finding myself very frustrated, hurt and angry about some of the intermediary's choices, particularly by the fact that my issue and my agenda has been shelved, for the moment, while other issues are taking precedence.  I can see that this is a reasonable course of action but that doesn't stop my feelings of frustration and abandonment coming to the fore.  I know that my actions and reactions are causing damage.  So I have reached a place where my intellectual self knows that I need to control the only things that are within my sphere of control... these are of course, myself and my own actions and reactions.

So how can I divorce myself from the emotional response I am having?

I am responding to the original transgression in which I was a collateral casualty - this arouses fear, feelings of helplessness and also hopelessness... it triggers memories of other situations in which I was forced to be the passive recipient of abuse, it is perhaps triggering stress responses that were implanted in me 40 years ago.

I am also responding to the fact that the intermediary is not acting as my advocate.  They have, at times, advocated strongly on my behalf but they remain firmly in the role of intermediary and at the moment they are not focused on their advocacy of me, and I do intellectually understand, if not fully agree with, why it is being handled this way.  However, this is triggering feelings of abandonment, galloping insecurity, fears for the future, and a terrifying sense of my alone-ness in this world.  Again issues from my past- BIG issues.

So I'm hurting a lot and I have no means of changing the source of that hurt... I can't change my past... I can't change the events of this issue...  I can't change the way this issue is being handled...  I can ONLY change my response!

Listen everyone, I know this is something that could only be fully achieved through years of therapy but I can't afford to spend years or even months rolling around in this cesspool of semi-polished turds.  I need the Reader's Digest version and I need it NOW!

I need to accept that this has happened and release it...
I need to accept that the intermediary knows best and is doing their best for everyone...
I need to accept that my feelings about abuse and fears of being abandoned are actually unreasonably exaggerated by events from my past...
I need to accept that the best chance I have for making a decent future for all parties in this action is for me to become more relaxed and easy-going about the outcome and the process...
I need to accept that my current responses are damaging and that not causing further damage is actually my highest priority...

So help me please...  I don't know how to magically sweep my soul clean of all these twisted emotions...  I'm hoping that writing about it will help, sometimes it does...  I can't "get it off my chest" or anything like that to the other party but I can write as if it is for them to read.

Any ideas, thoughts and suggestions would be very gratefully received!

Why I write

This blog is being written for the PFAM Blog Carnival hosted this month at Bed, Body and Beyond.

Writers write.

I don't always refer to myself as a writer because I have had long periods in my life when I was not writing.  At the moment I am most definitely a writer.

When I think back over the times I have identified as a writer a few moments stand out.  Back in the early 1990's I was reading a bunch of lesbian detective novels, read toss, read toss, read toss... I was burning through them.  Then one day I just thought, "I could write a better book than this!"  So I sat down and wrote a novel.  It was never published, I didn't really try, the act of completing it was the reward.  Then I went back to school and got a degree in Administrative Leadership and one of my professors chose to publish two of my academic papers in his course books for the following two years.  I clearly remember sitting in the heat dressed in cap and gown and the young man beside me saying he had read my papers and he said "How do you make it all make sense?  Are you a writer or something?"  His question brought me up short and made me think.

Am I a writer?  I had taken for granted, up til then, the ability I have to express cohesively in this written word form.  That was the beginning of my awakening as regards writing.  That was the moment when I began to realize that not everyone can do this.  Since that time I have written millions of words.  Another novel (unpublished by choice), a business book (published), hundreds of short articles for various outlets, countless presentations, seminars, speeches, and masses of marketing materials (I rather like alliteration!).  Gradually I have come to realize just how fortunate I am to have this gift.  I take praise of my writing with grace but also with rebuttal as I really think it is a gift and I have only made a minuscule effort to refine it.  I'm just lucky.  I can write anything (except songs which always turn out so corny that I embarrass myself!), technical writing, creative writing, short, long, fact, fiction, academic, irreverent, poetry, prose -- pretty much anything I want to do.  I'm just very lucky.

So why do I write?  I write because I can.  I write because it helps me to clarify my thoughts.  I am a verbal processor.  My ideas and thoughts coalesce as I express them and for me writing is a verbal communication in that I write the way I talk.  People who know me who have read any of my books tell me that they feel I am sitting beside them reading aloud - my voice is very evident.  

I write to process, I write to share, I write to soothe myself, I write to make myself smile, I write to show my love, I write to reveal my heart, I write to enlighten, I write to pass the time, I write to analyze.  Most of all I write because I can, because I was given a gift that I have not earned and I think it would be neglectful of me to squander it.