Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Fantastic fantasy

First let me make some excuses for not having blogged lately...  It is partly that I have University work to do, partly that I feel kind of boring with nothing to report and partly that I have yet again developed a mild obsession with genealogical research.  (Mostly I guess I am just slack).

Health check in - very VERY up and down... one weird thing that is bothering me is that I have a strange metallic taste on the tip of my tongue and about the bottom inch of my tongue ( to the tip) has altered taste sensation and feels odd and maybe is a bit numb.  I have been noticing this for quite a while but it has become increasingly irritating over the last few weeks.  My presumption at this stage is that it is most likely a drug side effect so I am starting to isolate meds and stop taking them (yes I will be good and taper etc).,  The good news in this is that the my new GP, Dr Sincere, has finally given me some better pain relief in the form of Tramadol and so I don't have to keep struggling on with the codeine which has always resulted in more irritation than benefit!  Even better is that the tongue issue was happening before Tramadol so I it is not the culprit!  Now I probably need to make it clear, before my loving and adoring fans become desperately concerned about my possible addiction, I try to get by with no pain killers most of the time.  This is just for the really nasty breakthrough pain when I just can't stand it any more.  I am NOT about to start any regular pain medication if I can possibly avoid it!

Shermie, my car, had a flat tyre this morning...  That was upsetting.  Fifty dollars later (and drenched) we are underway again.  I am going to have to re-register Shermie in my new state which is going to be expensive.  We also have a trip to Sydney coming up in a couple of weeks which will be a bit of a financial drain, so money worries are causing some anxiety.

The "Wet Season" has been living up to its name lately.  This little island has been washed and rinsed so many times in the last week that I think we are all growing webbed feet!  I can't begin to guess how many inches of rain have fallen in the last couple of weeks but it is LOTS!!!  This means that all the creeks are running like crazy.  Yesterday, Sunday, in spite of the rain TLOML and I decided (at her suggestion) to go and swim in one of the waterfall pools.  OMG it was so beautiful.  The water was cool but not cold.  We were completely alone for the entire time we were there.  I wanted TLOML to strip off and run through the bush and over the rocks like a wood nymph but she refused to oblige...(Oh well it was worth a try!)  It was sublime...  To have such a spectacular place, where the water has gushed for millennia, entirely to ourselves!

One of the many wonderful things about TLOML is her unquenchable sense of wonder, another is her unfailing appreciation of beauty, and a third is her truly deep rooted gratitude for the gifts we are given.  How fortunate we are to be Australians and to have places like this to experience and appreciate!

This is the spot but it was really full of water and the rocks in the foreground were submerged.

I am still totally incredulous that my life has taken this turn for the fabulous.  TLOML and I are going from strength to strength.  We have still never had an argument and the challenges that we have faced (that include some very serious stuff) have been external.  I can't believe this happiness is mine!  I am boring I say it so often!  Literally, (and I do know what that means) I can't believe it!  I've had a terrible string of stressful and difficult times in my life that began when I left Australia.  Ghastly relationships, financial ruin, the loss of my parents, developing a chronic debilitating condition...  The twenty-first century has not been easy for me.  I was incapable of seeing any kind of happy ending and I was resigned to the fact that it would just be a miserable struggle until I was done.  Quite frankly if I didn't have The Boy I would possibly have given up completely.  It is so often said that things happen when you least expect it and it could not be more true for me.  Suddenly I am in the best relationship of my life and living in paradise.  One of the reasons I don't blog as often as I used to is that I can't imagine anyone would want to read me going on about my incredible new life all the time, and yet my gratitude and wonder totally dominate my heart and mind.  Perhaps one needs to descend to the depths of despair (I love alliteration!) before finding a new source of light?  That said I'm still hurting, limited, and physically struggling, but so very, VERY, grateful for the gifts the universe (aka Herbert) has given.  Maybe pain is the shading that provides the rich contrast in the landscape of my life.

The ceaseless rain continues to fall and that's just fine!

Constant amazement and the super road trip

TLOML and I just sat down to watch some TV this evening and by complete happenstance stumbled across an interview with The Chef, with whom we went to school.  I was in school with her from years 9 - 12 and TLOML was with her from Kindergarten to 8 and then 11 to 12 (the final two years of school saw us all at the same school).  We, the two Displaceds, were stunned to see The Chef on TV as neither of us had ever seen her on TV before but more to the point we wondered what she would think if she could see the two of us, laying back on the couch in our underwear, holding hands, and watching TV.  I think it would be a reasonably safe bet that we are the only two women named Displaced that The Chef has ever met.  I wrote about The Chef once before in a blog I called "Thoughts on vulnerability".  I don't suppose any of this is all that interesting aside from the fact that I am so constantly (literally) amazed by the turn my life has taken.  Suddenly I have been transformed from someone on a long run of misfortune to The Luckiest Woman In The World!

The week in Sydney was very hectic, TLOML and I had to debate a little and juggle the competing priorities of each of our friends and families.  On top of those moments of friction (that were all handled amicably and with ease) my body was freaking out a bit and was giving me a few very painful days.  Last Friday, the 13th LOL, I had my last appointment with Dr McLovely and aside from filling up with petrol she was our last stop in Sydney.  TLOML and I began our journey north.  She had said so many times "I hate long car rides!",  "I need to stop AT LEAST every two hours".  I just shook my head because I not only LOVE long road trips but I am very goal focused so I push on and delay stops as long as possible.  She had told me that she liked to relax in the morning and then head off after a leisurely layabout morning...  I had told her that I need to get the work of driving done before I will relax and do anything "leisurely".  It all looked quite foreboding!  We had five days to travel 2400km.  It seemed almost a certainty that this journey would be the cause of our first fight.

The first night was spent with my brother and his partner and that took us only about 450km out of Sydney.  The plan was to try to get up the coast in the morning so that we would have time for a swim in the surf before going to my brother's.  There are few places in the world with beaches more beautiful than the Mid North Coast of NSW.  Seemingly endless tracts of white sand and the glorious South Pacific sending in wave after wave makes it a very appealing place to anyone who enjoys body-surfing.  Everything went pretty much according to plan with one rest room stop en route and plenty of snacks that were cleverly packed by TLOML.  By mid afternoon we were swimming alone on a beautiful beach.  TLOML is particularly keen to swim where there are waves because her tropical island home is inside the Great Barrier Reef and is therefore inadequate in the wave department.  I love the surf and always have but I can't really trust myself any more.  I used to be a very strong swimmer but I have to dial it way back now and make sure that I pace myself.  The last thing I need is a big exercise induced flare while I am trying to drive up the coast!  The night with my brother was great.  We had a delicious dinner with super tender steak and vegetables.  Time slipped away far too quickly.

I woke early in the morning and found a few extra corners of space in Shermie (my car) to jam in some of my old tools that my brother's partner had been minding for me (for 12 years LOL).  I will be needing them if I am going to make myself useful around the place here.  We headed off in fairly good time.  The second night was also planned.  We needed to travel about another 450km to The Gold Coast where we were staying with TLOML's step-mother for the evening.  TLOML was pretty keen to get another swim and we were shooting for a stop at Byron Bay.  Unbeknownst to either of us Byron has been bypassed by the highway and I completely missed the turn off.  It was such an unobtrusive sign!  I was sure there would be another exit but after about 10 minutes still heading north it became apparent that there wasn't one!  Oh well Brunswick Heads would have to do.  TLOML pouted a little about missing Byron but we were in agreement that going back was too much of an inconvenience so she picked up the lip and we made for the gorgeous surf beach at Brunswick.  We had a lovely swim, the waves were a little too choppy for body surfing but it was still refreshing and invigorating.  We arrived in Surfer's Paradise with time to spare.  We had a terrific evening with TLOML's step-mum, including beautiful accommodation on the 37th floor AND dinner at a seafood buffet where I managed to consume about 100 oysters.  (I know I sound like a terrible piggy but there was a challenge involved!!!)

The third day we were planning to have an early swim in the surf and be on the road by 10am.  TLOML was having such a nice time with her step-mum that we decided to skip the swim and leave a bit later.  Still not a single cross word between us!  Step-mum (who is lovely!!!) made us the most beautiful gourmet sandwiches for the road - smoked salmon, ricotta cheese, multi-grain bread, avocado - absolutely scrumptious!  We had vaguely planned to head to the most northern surf beach in Queensland but unfortunately on this day we hit quite a lot of rain.  I was not making great time but skipping the swim allowed us to reach Rockhampton for the night.  This night was spent in a strange motel.  My Minnesotan friends would call it "different".  For a start the woman at the desk seemed so incredibly depressed that she looked like something from 'Night of the Living Dead'.  The entire outside of the motel was tiled in big pseudo travertine tiles.  When we managed to get inside the room we found that everything but the ceiling was tiled too!!!  There was a single bedside table with the name of the motel written on the top AND on the drawers in permanent marker, the jug and the bar fridge were similarly labeled.  Still the sheets were clean, TV worked and we were together!

Day four was trying because of some quite heavy rain and the almost complete lack of overtaking lanes on the two lane "highway".  The day before had featured occasional signs saying "overtaking lane in 5 km" presumably to prevent us taking big risks overtaking but on day four no such signs appeared.  I guess one saying "overtaking lane in 347 km" might not have been as effective.  We actually could have made our destination on day four with just a little more endurance but we decided to stop about an hour south.  We stayed in a nice motel and ordered food from the restaurant, none of the furniture or appliances were labeled with the motel's name so this motel appeared to have a higher standard of clientele.

Right on schedule we arrived in the morning on Day Five and were home by early afternoon.  We even unloaded the car, though doing that nearly finished me off.  I gratefully collapsed and was lovingly cared for by TLOML.

So here we are.  Still not a single argument nor a cross word.  Every decision has been reached by consensus.  It's almost freaky how well we relate and how easily we get along.   We are both quite emotional and sensitive women yet we seem to be able to help each other get through and over things more easily.  It occurred to me that we defuse each other.  Somehow we give or say the right thing at the right time.  It is almost like between us we have a self-leveling mechanism that settles and resolves the issues that each of us has sometimes struggled with alone.  It feels like we have always been together in the way that we manage to interact with virtually no anxiety.  I can truly say that I have never had any relationship, in any capacity, even in work or in friendship, that was so harmonious.  She is slender and beautiful with sparkling blue eyes that make me melt from any distance and I am completely, head over heels, besotted with her.  I'm my own flawed and dilapidated self and yet she loves me, I mean, she really loves me and constantly demonstrates it with care and affection.  Between us there is an easy flow of loving words and acts that completely back up and support the words.  Doing not just saying.  I am quite sure that we should be handing out nausea pills to anyone who has to spend time with us together.

We sometimes wonder what might have happened if a fortune teller had shown us a picture of this time and place when we were schoolgirls together 32 years ago.  We both think we would have said "Why wait?"  The interesting thing is that the answer to the question "Why wait?" was only revealed by the waiting.  We have each learned some hard lessons and seen some dark days; enough to know that something as beautiful as this needs to be cherished and protected; enough to know that, as perfect as it feels right now, there will be obstacles and difficulties we need to face together as time moves on; enough to know just how much we should appreciate each other - we know how lucky we are.

So what would The Chef think?

I hope she would be happy for us both!

Laughter and being talkative...

I don't think I have ever laughed more than I have laughed in the last couple of weeks.

Most of the things TLOML and I laugh about are too silly to describe...  I could say "you had to be there" but even that was not enough for the poor girl sharing the row with us on the plane.  Last night, taking my nightly meds, we were giggling, as we so often do, when TLOML pointed out that I was laughing too much to take my antidepressants!  If laughter is the best medicine I can probably cease all other treatment!

One of the really strange things that has happened to me, since this wonderful falling in love experience began, is that I have become incredibly talkative... a real chatterbox.  Anyone who knew me as a kid will not be at all surprised because I was quite hyper-communicative as a kid...  I laughed a LOT, smiled a LOT and got the gabbles with monotonous regularity.  My mouth was constantly struggling to keep up with my brain.

I wrote in a blog a few months ago that vim and vigour had vamoosed and that being in pain and somewhat fatigued all the time had removed my "live wire" personality.  Well no sooner do I write the words than this miracle comes into my life and makes me a liar!  Suddenly I am animated again, enthusiastic and effervescent; suddenly I am busting to talk about everything and to tell my stories...  I have again developed verbal diarrhea!  Just like the old days!

TLOML and I are quite alike in many ways (aside from sharing the same unusual name) we are both lively and excitable, talkative and giggly, thank Herbert we both love those qualities in each other as well.  Back when we were at school together (over three decades ago) we used to get into trouble for talking and giggling together and not much has changed.

But everything had changed...  I had lost that zest for life, that certain joie de vivre that had been such a hallmark of my childhood and early adulthood.  I think I had become grumpy and even at times perhaps ... morose... (eep that is hard to admit).  I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about this because it really was situational...  I have been through some very difficult times and suffered some gut-wrenching losses.  On top of that my vitality, which was such a part of my very identity, had flickered to a barely discernible glimmer.

My mother (my oft quoted mother whose death was one of those gut-wrenching losses) always said it was "darkest before the dawn".  In this case she was so SO right.  Things were pretty grim.

Well not any more!

I am still hurting.  I still NEED to be horizontal.  I still get tired far too quickly.  My balance is still crappy. But things have changed in so many ways and for the better.  When I'm hurting TLOML asks me what I need and how she can help.  When I need to be horizontal I often have company and laughter.  When I am tired I am soothed and spoiled and brought cups of tea and loved and cared for.  When I stumble or lose my balance TLOML is there to hold my hand and steady me.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am the luckiest woman on earth, not only for the love and care I receive, but for the laughter and chatter that fill our days and envelop us in a giant bubble of happiness.

In spite of this nasty condition my old talkative self is back with a vengeance!

What a difference a month makes...

One month ago I posted a blog

11/11/11

In that blog I made a series of wishes.  Strange events have been afoot since I broadcast my wish list into The Universe (aka Herbert).  Many of my wishes were for the planet and for all people and it's hard to tell if they are coming true.  Six of the wishes were specifically for me.  At the time that I wrote the blog times were pretty tough for me.  I was seriously flaring and in a lot of pain and I was dragged down by tremendous fatigue.  I had other basic personal issues that were causing me a great deal of anxiety too.  I felt unloved and unlovable.

The 11th of November was a Friday.  I was born on a Friday.  "Friday's child is loving and giving".

The 12th of November just happened to be the birthday of one of my old friends from high school.  We were connected on Facebook and you know how you get the birthday notification?  Well I left her a brief happy birthday message.  Later that afternoon I saw, for the first time, that she was online.  I umm'd and ahhh'd about sending her a chat message; I didn't want to intrude.  Finally I decided to say "hi" and ask if her birthday was going well.  My entire world has changed because of that message.  I know that seems a little drastic but it is completely true.  My old school friend is TLOML.  We started talking and we have not stopped.  She is everything I never dared to dream of in a partner and for some strange cosmic reason she seems to adore me too.

On the 14th of November I had my first appointment with the Immunologist Professor McCool.  He has taken an aggressive approach to trying to identify all the various issues that are plaguing me.  He has also put me on an anti-depressant for pain.  I have been doing better since I started to see him and I feel a real sense of security as his patient.

Since the day I made those wishes I can honestly say that each of the six wishes, that was personal in nature, has been positively impacted.

• I am more healthy - not perfect but substantially improved
• I am loving and I am loved in return
• I have the hope of a safe and comfortable environment in which to live
• I do not have as many things that are worrying me
• I have laughed more in the last month than in the 12 months before combined
• I have been spending a lot of time with interesting, caring, socially conscious people and there is the a promise of much more to come in that area

So there you have it.  It has been quite the turnaround.  In the last month I have fallen in love with someone I have liked and respected for over 30 years.  I have gone from quite a dark and depressing situation to one of great hope.  I feel easily twice as good as I felt then.  Maybe I am just high on that drug money can't buy or maybe ... just maybe ... Herbert has decided it's my turn to have some of my dreams come true.

Makes me wonder if maybe I should have wished for buckets of money too... oh well... money is nice but it can't hold your hand when you are feeling crappy, it can't make your heart leap and your eyes glow, it can't open your mind and enlighten your conscience, it can't make a beautiful woman swoon (well not the kind of woman I would ever be interested in).

The more I talk with TLOML the more it seems that we were kind of destined to be close.  We share strange things.  Other than our time at school together there have been numerous times we were in the same places, frequenting the same haunts.  Here is a little list of some of the odd coincidences.

• We have the same unusual name
• Our Dads were both doctors
• Our Dads left our mothers when we were the same age (6)
• We both have older brothers (her one me two)
• We are both the youngest child
• We both had step-mother issues
• Though I come from completely the other side of town my step-mother took me shopping as an 8 yr old in her neighbourhood (she and my Dad lived there when they were first married)
• She knew my first cousin before she ever met me
• We swam at the same harbourside beach as kids - we might have even played together who knows?
• Then we were at school together and sat side by side in Geography and Home Room

Although we have not seen each other since school....

• We attended the same University, and took the same subject, in the same year
• We share several mutual acquaintances
• We both lived in the same rural region during the 1990's
• She worked at a place that I have been to many times

Now to the present

• Her nephew is in the same class at school as The Horsewoman's daughter (which is why I got a weird facebook friend suggestion for the lad - we had two mutual friends)
• The Horsewoman sat next to TLOML's brother and sister-in-law at a school function recently
• We are both single
• We are both 49
• We are both ready to make a relationship that buries forever the dysfunction of our previous relationships
• We are both crazy about each other!!!

Now I understand that Australia is not as heavily populated as the US but Sydney is a city of over five million people.  These kinds of things don't happen every day.  You talk about five degrees of separation.... try heaps of versions of one and two degrees of separation?  It feels like all roads lead to TLOML and I might have been a moron not to get the message any sooner!!!

In reality it is the right time and the right place... I think we are both ready to be happy and I am enjoying every second and valuing it as a gift from Herbert!

Is you is, or is you ain't depressed?

Yesterday I had a bit of an argument with the psychologist I have been seeing,

She thinks that I'm depressed and I don't think that I am any more depressed than any intelligent person would be in my situation.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment that is cause for concern.  Problems with housing, money, the government, oh and let's not forget the stress and uncertainty associated with my health.  There would be something wrong with me if I were vivacious, bright, bubbly and effervescent all the time! Quite frankly, if you take your car to the mechanic and you tell him what is wrong with it, is he or she very likely to turn around and tell you you sound like you hate your car?  Of course when I am at the psychologist I talk about the things that are bothering me!  I have been depressed, I've been down in the blackest parts of my soul.  Hell, I've hung out down there and had a good look around; stirred up the demons.  I know what depression feels like and this isn't it!

Perhaps I should be aiming to give a more fair and balanced account of my state of mind?  Maybe then people would stop asking me if I am thinking about hurting myself?  (This was asked at least 5 times last week which I must confess was a rather low week for me.)  More to the point I am concerned that if the medical professionals who are handling my case start to focus on the idea that I am depressed the next thing they will be saying is that the pain and fatigue (and all their nasty little friends) are all caused by depression and THAT is quite simply NOT the, case.  This pain has followed me, to a greater or lesser extent, through all kinds of emotions, through great highs and horrible lows, through hopeful excitement and abject misery.

Sooooooooo in view of the fact that it has been Thanksgiving in the US, the first Thanksgiving I have missed in a dozen years I am going to talk about some of the things that I am hopeful and excited about.

• I'm eagerly anticipating going back to University next year.  I see it as an opportunity to retrain into an area where I might be able to get high paying part-time work that I could participate in regardless of the effect of fibromyalgia (or whatever the hell this is).  I also see University as an opportunity for me to shine and to increase my pretty low self-esteem.  I have always done well in the past and I hope to do well again.  Furthermore it is an opportunity to meet bright, interesting people and to expand my social circle.
• I have been spending time with The Boy who is now looking at staying in Sydney and perhaps not moving to the UK for a while.  He makes me feel happy and proud and we are close and getting along well (complete with our usual bickering).
• I have rediscovered many of my old friends and I have been spending time with them and I have been feeling appreciated and cared for.  The Best Friend is like a shining beacon of warmth and support and makes me laugh hysterically every time we meet!
• The Reader is angling to get me some copy writing work which would be something I could comfortably do while lying down (which I spend 80% of my life doing).  This would help with my financial woes, and perhaps even my housing problems.
• Then, out of the blue, there is The New Connection with an old friend that seems to be blossoming into something tender and beautiful.  There is even a tiny little voice inside me that is asking ...? well... I'll pause that thought for now.  However she is coming to visit Sydney soon and I am very much looking forward to spending time with her when she is here.
• I have been seeing a really AWESOME group of doctors.  Dr McLovely is caring. helpful, compassionate and kind and Professor McCool is uber cool and is leaving no stone unturned.  While his investigations are hanging over me a bit at the moment I am definitely more hopeful than fearful.
• Today I had a telephone interview for a part-time job.  The good news is that it will not be until next year which gives me some time to resolve all the issues that are holding me back at the moment.  Hopefully by then I will also be feeling better and stronger and I'll be able to work this around my University studies.

Yesterday I had an MRI (ordered by McCool) so no more calling me brainless, ok?  I do have a brain I have a picture to prove it!  I will be seeing McCool on Monday afternoon and although I am frightened of some of the possibilities (and of him finding nothing) I am also excited and hopeful that there might be something that can be treated.  Naturally this is hanging over me to some extent... but I am honestly more hopeful than trepiditious. 

Anxiety, I will cop to, I do have issues with anxiety and stress is a huge trigger for me, but depression?  Not at the moment!

The line between acceptance and giving up.

I really wish I had answers for this...

Wow there are so many things I want to talk about in this post that I don't know where to begin.  Perhaps with a story...

I once had a friend who was functioning in society fairly well but clearly had some difficulty maintaining a consistent approach to her life.  Then she received her diagnosis and suddenly everything became worse.  She began to embody and experience all the worst symptoms of her illness.  Her attempts to lead a normal life fell by the wayside as she quite tangibly embraced her diagnosis.  I am not judging her.  I know it had always been hard.

Back in 2009 I received a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and in view of my friend's experience I decided not to research FMS and not to read any kind of list of symptoms.  I was vehemently opposed to "embracing the diagnosis".  So instead of reading the symptoms I listed the things I was experiencing and then investigated to see if they were FMS related.
Pain - Check
Fatigue - Check
Vertigo - Check
Poor balance - Check
Digestion issues - Check
Skin sensitivities - Check
Strange over the top startle/shock response - no check?
Trouble Swallowing - no check?
Clumsiness - Check
I just didn't want to subliminally convince myself to develop more problems than I already had.  I think this was probably a stupid approach but I was quite determined at the time.

Of course time passes, and things started to get worse, and I began to have to accept that I really couldn't ignore these problems.  This led to me wanting to find my community and wanting to relate to other people who really understood what was going on.  Those of you who know me personally know that I am a curious person and that I process and assimilate information very easily and really without trying.  So naturally the idea that I could not be educated about FMS became even more ridiculous when I reached out to others.

Still, as I have mentioned elsewhere, I had some strange delusion that coming home to Australia would make everything better...  somewhere in my mind I saw myself here (in Oz) as the same person I was who left here in 1999.  I'm not.

Please note that this blog is the product of a crappy, exhausted, painful day.  It isn't always like this and I don't always feel this bad.

I think my twisted idea of not learning so as not to embrace etc was just one form of denial, the whole 'healthy when I come home' thing was another...  I also think that my body is demanding that I accept what's going on and I think I am starting to do that.  (All this blogging helps BTW).  But there is a side effect of acceptance.

When I accept that I need help, in any form, I can relax a little from the constant battle to either hide my problems or "tough it out" and I now wonder if that was what I was seeing in my friend all those years ago.  Which makes me wonder if it is a good thing at all?

This morning I drove The Boy to the train station (he is off back up the coast to go to his school formal (the prom for my North American friends)) and I got out of the car and yelped in pain as my back reacted very badly to the change from being seated to standing.  I waited a few moments for the worst of the pain to pass and for the rest of my body to acclimate to standing.  Then carefully and tentatively I started to walk using my walking stick.  By now The Boy was 30 feet away from the car on the way into the train station.  He stopped and waited a bit and teased me about looking like an old grandma (not that I don't have many friends younger than I who have grand children) and then he asked me an interesting question.  He asked if I use the cane so that people don't bump into me.  It made me think about all the reasons I use the cane... sometimes... and I don't always use it... but it also made me think of the visual message that using it sends to others and the fact that it does have a supplementary benefit of making people steer clear.  I don't cope well with being bumped, my balance is terrible, every contact with my body hurts, if I fall it is excruciating (and I do fall too often), and I have anxiety about people, so I have a HUGE personal space.  The walking stick gives me more room and that is a good thing.  But it also allows me to let my weakness show and that is something I have avoided doing for my entire life.  Remember I was raised by a super stoic...

I guess I have rambled on long enough in this blog but I could go on for a long time yet if I let myself...  I guess I am just wondering how closely giving up or giving in is related to acceptance...

I read a really interesting little book last year by Richard Bach, the bloke who wrote Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, it was called 'Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah' and it was non religiously spiritual, full of really amazing messages about life the universe and everything... not the kind of thing I usually read but it had, LITERALLY, thrown itself into my path, it turned up in my car with no known source.  The salient point here is that the book began with a long 'hand written' list about The Master and a parable that related to creatures that lived on the bottom of a crystal river and clung to the rocks as the raging current ran over them until one creature released his/her grip on the bottom and was swept on by the current.  This creature met other creatures whose lives were different and experienced adventures and growth that clinging to the river bottom could never have provided...  It was a great read which unfortunately I left behind in the US.  I am that creature.  I have thrown myself on the mercy of the current.

In spite of this I am still struggling with these issues...  Is letting your pain show because you are becoming more accepting tantamount to giving up the fight?  How much of the fight was really about maintaining my identity as a healthy vital person?  How much of the fight was really about my ego and about what other people think?  How much of the fight was really about trying to cling to the bottom like all the other creatures?

Expectations are the root of all disappointment

The title of this blog is my phrase - I coined it about thirty years ago and I have never heard anyone else saying it...  It came to me in one of those fits of clarity when one of the pieces falls into place...  It came to me when I had an awakening that my dad was never going to be like Gidget's dad.  He was never going to be Mike Brady  or the character Brian Keith played in A Family Affair; not Father Knows Best, not Ward Cleaver.  There was a seminal moment when I realized that I was unhappy because I had expectations that were not being met.

Were they reasonable expectations?  I'ts a good thing you asked that question!  Is it ever reasonable to expect someone to give more than they want to give?  Is it ever reasonable to expect someone to be someone they are not?  Is it ever reasonable to think you should be welcome at your father's home?

I wrote a blog the other day about my disappointment in my brothers not attending Eileen's funeral and I took it down because I thought I had been too hard on them.  Their reasons were valid and it is unreasonable for me to subject them to the standard of honour I apply to myself.  Yesterday before the funeral Gay Brother called me to ask me to convey his regrets which was fine, but in the conversation I told him that I have a problem with my thyroid (among other things) and he casually said that Straight Brother has also.  Straight Brother has a auto-immune disease that is strongly hereditary and Gay Brother had been tested but did not have it.  At the time I was only mildly perturbed and the conversation moved on.  Later when I was thinking about the conversation I started to be very concerned that no one had bothered to tell me.  If the condition is hereditary and Gay Brother bothered to get checked out why did it not occur to either of my brothers to tell me so that I could be checked out?  Why didn't anyone remember that I too carry the same genes and the same propensity to be affected by the same conditions?  It's just another reminder that I am invisible, out of sight - out of mind I guess.  It looks, from my blood results, like I have Hashimoto's Disease which manifests at hypothyroidism where my brother's condition manifests as hyperthyroidism.  Still, I may have been further along the road to understanding my issues if someone (anyone) had bothered to mention this "hereditary" problem to me.  Or is that just another unreasonable expectation?

Today has been physically a BAD day for me.  The pain in my shoulder when I washed my hair this morning was so bad I had to sit down and sweat for a few minutes before I could move enough to dry myself, today is one of the days when my clothes are hurting me, when any movement can stimulate a stabbing pain, when everything aches.  If I hadn't had an unavoidable appointment I would have spent the day recovering from the not very strenuous day yesterday.  At that interview today with the government I was asked when I last had a good day and it made me realize that my definition of a good day is changing.  I need to think about that some more.  What I call a good day at the moment might well have been what I would have called a bad day 2 years ago.  Are these just my expectations making natural adjustments to my situation?

If I could find a way to have no expectations would I always be delighted with what I was given?  Would every day be a good day?

(Is this secretly just another point of view on the pessimistic optimist?)

Off to see Dr McLovely now after my urgent horizontal rest.

A mighty Big day! Or a big Mighty day

Well my body is feeling like shit and I'm not surprised!  I really pushed myself yesterday and I had a HUGE day.

I rested all day on Friday in preparation for Saturday hoping like crazy that I would be feeling ok and as fit as possible so that I could attend the Occupy Sydney Rally.  I TRULY believe that THIS is our chance to try to make a difference.  Now is the time for moderate, ordinary people to stand up and be counted and damn-it I'm going to be one of them!   In spite of the inconvenience, in spite of the pain, in spite of the cost, in spite of the small difference one person can make - I WENT.

My old friend from kindergarten, I'll call her The Reader couldn't make it, though I forgive her and fully understand why, but my other friend from high school, The Radical, was there which was excellent!  I found a seat and listened to the speakers occasionally joining in the chanted responses... "whose streets? OUR STREETS" "whose world? OUR WORLD" and when the group took off like a herd of turtles up George St I ambled along, stick in hand.  We didn't "march" (I use the word very loosely) far, only about 4 blocks.  At one point I shortened my route by cutting through an upscale mall (the MLC Centre) and enjoyed the respite of the shade and the escalator capitalism offered me (LOL - the irony wasn't lost on me even as I hobbled past Gucci, Cartier and Louis Vuitton).  I was pretty exhausted by the time we reached the assembly point so I didn't stay long there.  However an interesting thing happened on my way up George St - I was interviewed by the nightly news people (not Murdoch or Packer LOL) and although they used my least coherent snippet I did make it into the newscast.  Rats - I was going to put the link in and tell you where to find me but it directs to a more recent story now! ( The Best Friend managed to catch the story and said I should commiserate with Obama that they chose the wrong soundbite.)  I think they approached me because of my grey hair and walking stick, little did they know, I launched freely with "I'm not against capitalism but I am against corporate greed, there is a gross inequity in the distribution of wealth in our society, the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer and it's wrong..."  I suspect I wasn't quite the dithering, benign woman they were expecting.  The bit they chose to show was something like "there needs to be more sharing of the wealth"... oh well.

The need to be horizontal was becoming overwhelming, I'm like a drug addict needing a fix, so I had a lie down on the back seat of my car while I waited to pick another old friend up at the train station.  She was delayed by the trains and as much as I was busting to see her I was really glad to have the extra time to rest.

I don't know where to begin to tell you about my wonderful evening!  I literally laughed so much my sides are aching (and Felix the Cat was not present!).  Thirty years ago, when I was a university student for the first time I met an incredible woman, let's call her The Lioness.  We were working on a student theatre production together, I was acting and she was doing costume and set designing, and instantly we became friends forever. She is a person who exudes kindness, love and good humour.  Well back in 1981 she took me back to her house where she lived in share accommodation with a tribe of people and there I met a woman who was to become another of my best "friends forever" friends, let's call her, The Actress.  One of the housemates, who now lives in the US, is a close phone/internet friend still, and another, who I didn't know quite as well but whom I always enjoyed I shall call, The Scientist.  Last night the four of us who are in  Australia met for the evening.

I can't remember (not kidding here) the last time I had such a wonderful evening, the last time I laughed so much, the last time laughter and good company took most of my aches and pains away (probably aided by a few libations LOL).  That amount of laughter is dangerous for middle-aged women who have given birth!  Even now as I try to think of ways to convey the amusement I am laughing.  The Lioness, who happens to be 5' 10" and slender, getting escorted to the ladies room (a novel experience) by a little Chinese waiter was one hilarious moment... on her return to the table upon inquiry about her escort it was explained that there is a code to get back in from the bathroom and he tried to show her but she "can't see and can't remember" so he just provided an escort instead.  The Actress was wearing a pair of simply divine bright red high heels and so she became "Dorothy" for the evening followed by The Lioness (Lion), The Scientist, who is brilliant by any estimation, (she asked what the Scarecrow, wanted, to which I replied - "a brain!") and me, with my crunchy creaky body (Tin Man) and we followed the yellow brick road around Chinatown and eventually back to The Actress's house where we got to have dessert and a cuppa with her wonderful hubby, The Percussionist.

This period of my life has been quite unusual.  I don't have any new friends at the moment (aside from my beloved mates on the other side of the computer screen!)  I spend my time, when I do socialize with people I have known for ALL of my adult life and in some cases most of my entire life.  Usually we have had long breaks in our contact, heaven knows I am a poor friend in that department,  I leave it too long, get busy, feel like I have nothing of value to contribute, move to the other side of the planet, a million strange and twisted feelings prevent me from maintaining regular contact.  Yet here they are, this collection of extraordinary women who I was fortunate enough to befriend in my youth, they are amazing, and beautiful, and funny, and loving, and quite frankly they are everything anyone would want in a friend.  It makes me feel unworthy but still so damn lucky.

We are texting backwards and forwards today someone clever (The Scientist, quelle suprise!) seems to have figured out how to text everyone at once.  The laughter and warmth survives despite the long time it has been between drinks.  But it isn't just these three...  It's The Reader, The Radical, The Best Friend, The Horsewoman, The Ex Girlfriend (X2 LOL), The Separatist, these are the incredible women I have rediscovered and I am going to do everything I can to never get so far away from them again.

People laughed in concentration camps

Freud, that old clever clogs, referred to laughter under adversity as "gallows humour" and in my family "black" humour is welcome and perhaps even expected.  When Mum was dying, an unbelievably devastating loss to me, we were still making jokes - We talked about renting a fishing boat so we could make her wish to be fed to the sharks come true... at the blackest moment after the doctor had left the room someone piped up "must be time to rent the boat".  That was her humour too, she would have been laughing right beside us if a persistent bleed in the brain hadn't been stealing her away.  When there is NO insecurity about how much you love someone, when everyone KNOWS and it is unquestionable, then everyone KNOWS that your heart is twisted in agony even though your wit is still snapping out quips and puns.

[WARNING SWEEPING GENERALIZATION TO FOLLOW]

I found, in my time in the US that  many American's take things a bit more seriously than Australians do.  Lots of my American friends have incredible senses of humour and make me laugh constantly, but the black humour thing... um... maybe not so much.  So to my American mates just know that I am not really a sick and twisted individual I'm just an Aussie embracing irreverence and upholding my national identity!  (A regular beer, an occasional meat pie, and a passionate love of the water covers most of the bases.)

Humour is a coping mechanism, a tool that helps us to escape for a moment, to release tension, to breathe more deeply and maybe to reset some of the mental roundabouts that our minds become caught upon.  I think that living with a condition like Fibromyalgia makes it very easy to fall into a trap of downwardly spiraling mental thought processes...  The name of my blog derives from just such an attempt to redirect mental processes into nonsense and silliness instead of gloom.

Nobody loves me

Everybody hates me

Think I'll go and eat worms

Big ones, small ones

Fat ones, thin ones

Worms that squiggle and squirm.

I'll (here the tempo increases) bite their heads off

Suck their guts out

Throw their skins away

Nobody knows how well I live on worms three times a day!

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have a chronic illness how you can be laughing and making jokes while still feeling like crap.  But this isn't a case of food poisoning that brings you down for a little while, it isn't something where you can permit yourself a couple of days of wallowing in self-pity knowing it will all be better by the weekend.  This condition is unrelenting and in spite of the pain and fatigue you still have to try to find ways to enjoy life and you must find ways to laugh.  Just today someone, whom I love, told me "it's not that bad", "you're okay".  I tried to explain how much I push myself for them, how much I hide the truth for them, how much I am at my very best when I am with them, and how much I pay later in private for those efforts.  More to the point I need to explain that I can't go on doing it.  That it's impossible to sustain a appearance of high energy and vitality now.  I want this person I love to know that when I feel joy and when I find things funny it doesn't mean that I'm not in pain.  You can't live your life in a morass of misery where your every thought is about how your body feels.  It would be far too easy to sink into a very dark place if you did.

So like the bloke on the way to be executed who when offered a cigarette quipped back "no thanks, I'm trying to quit", I'm going to keep trying to find things to laugh about.  It's Thursday and so tonight I am back to the Synagogue for another cooking lesson.  I'm resting up today so I can really pay close attention and have the stamina to make it through two hours.  

No silly, I'm not going to pay attention to the class, I'm going to pay attention to the people, and the ripely humourous moments that occur, so that I can remember them to tell you!

When good days are good for different reasons

I'm hopeful.

That is a vast improvement.

It isn't that I'm hopeful this wretched thing will go away, or even that some wonderful treatment will alleviate it.  I'm not hopeful that I will get my youthful healthy body back or that I will get to live the way I used to.  I am pretty resigned to having to go on dealing with this giant dump truck of ... well you know what's in the truck...

Today I tried a new doctor.

My opening line was, "I'm not sure if you can help me but I'm looking for a doctor who understands Fibromyalgia and I haven't had much luck."  Oh what shall I call this doctor...  Dr McDelicious might be a little too familiar, and Dr McNotBadConsideringYou'reAPom is a bit too long, Dr McReallyListening is a tad too sincere, and Dr McFocused is a smidgin too brusque... how about DrMcLovely... that works.. Because she was lovely but they are all true.  She gave me 45 minutes of her time.

An Englishwoman she has moved to Australia in the last 6 months (I think she might have married an Aussie bloke but I am only guessing).  I checked her out on the web before the appointment and she already had a couple of bonus points with me cause she also works for Family Planning (kind of the Aussie version of Planned Parenthood).  FMS isn't her specialty (I have yet to find a specialist for it) but she seemed to know what she was talking about and best of all, BEST OF ALL, she did not treat me like I was either whining, lying, exaggerating, faking, crazy or stupid.  She has a plan.  She sent me for a series of spinal X-Rays (to find out if a pinched nerve is causing my numb toes and foot), tomorrow I have a complete set of blood tests done, and when she gets that back she wants to refer me to an immunologist who specializes in CFS. (Yay!)

I wish I had a picture of the look on her face when I told her what the Rheumatologist (Professor McAwfullyCute) had told me I have.  She made me repeat it (AUSRRIWCP) slowly so she could type it into her notes, all the while with a decidedly McLovely skeptical raised brow.

On the downside my blood pressure was quite elevated and that is NOT normal for me, I told Dr McLovely that I was quite anxious about the visit and maybe that sent it up and she told me to not be frightened next time and to remember she isn't scary, (if that doesn't deserve the McLovely title what does?)  I also was having a bout of vertigo (unfortunately it is more than a Hitchcock movie) and my balance was totally shot.  The body wasn't working all that well today and it was all quite a slog but it was still an UBER GOOD DAY!!!

NB for my North American mates a POM is an Aussie slang term for someone from England...  I have been told it's derived from the letters on the back of the convict's clothing P.O.M.E. (Property of Mother England)

Occupy Sydney - yesterday's blog at last

While I was thinking about what to write here about the Occupy movement I am VERY sad to say that this Sydney Protesters Forcibly Removed happened.

I went to the rally yesterday and it was respectful, peaceful and well organized in spite of rows of riot police lining each end of the area and preparing to 'kettle' the protesters.  Kettling is the term applied to the act of police forming cordons across the paths out of an area and thus either containing the people within it or forcing the use of a particular (police chosen) exit.

You can see the rows of Riot Police behind the "Cop It Sweet" street theatre group who were doing the very Aussie thing - "taking the piss" out of the coppers.

Now for those of you who may not know this I used to be a Constable in the NSW Police Force.  I went all the way through the Police Academy, including running obstacle courses and hill sprints in the snow during two nasty Goulburn winters and spit polishing my shoes.  I spent three years working in General Duties at the lively inner city station, Newtown (ironically now the lesbian hub of Sydney).

I really understand the importance of doing your job regardless of your personal beliefs and attitudes.  I took a very low key approach when I was dealing with people, even when I knew I was going to arrest them, I reasoned with people when I could and requested compliance before demanding it 99% of the time (the other 1% was too urgent.)  I was only ever assaulted twice, once by a 10 yr old boy I caught prying the change boxes out of public phones and the other time by an old crazy woman, and wow is that ever another story.  The HUGE blokes I hauled out of pub brawls always stepped meekly into the back of the truck.  Anyway, I digress...  I get it.  I understand both sides and I can't appreciate either police who use unnecessary force OR protesters who get in the faces of cops and stir up trouble.

I went to Occupy Sydney yesterday because I strongly believe that there is too much disparity between rich and poor; I believe Wall St in particular, and corporate America in general, directly caused the recession in the US and the collapse of the housing industry; and I believe that the 1% has continued to rape and pillage like pigs at a trough while EVERYONE ELSE (yes EVERYONE, the other 99%) has struggled to tighten their belts!  Furthermore, I believe that if you don't show your face and get yourself counted (if you possibly can) then you deserve what you get.

On the way into the downtown area I met a lovely young man (my god I sound like my grandmother!), Andrew is 17 and he has no idea what the Occupy movement was about, but he was interested.  He sat with me on the bus and then waited while I got my ticket at the train station so that he could wait with me for the train and then sat with me there too.  He had been refereeing basketball all morning and was on his way home.  I tried to explain it to him but to say it is a protest against corporate greed is just scraping the surface.  I would have had better words on my way home (except on the way home I was really tired and might not have struck up the conversation in the first place.)

The best speaker was a bloke from the MUA (Maritime Union of Australia) whose name I unfortunately didn't catch.  The MUA was there with a portable cafe making free sausage sandwiches for all comers.  They took a vote and approved a resolution of solidarity with the Occupy Sydney movement and they have been on board and helping since day one.  Their speaker was interesting, informative and passionate he talked about Shell Oil whose profits amount to $35,000 a minute, yes A MINUTE.  How the MUA is struggling with Shell for tiny pay raises and improved safety and conditions on the Shell tankers when Shell earns more than the most highly paid seafarer on their ships every three minutes.  He talked about another CEO who was getting a 71% pay increase (to over five million dollars a year) when the same company was fighting against a 5% pay increase for employees, unfortunately I couldn't hear the details in this case.  It is JUST WRONG!!!

The Occupy Movement is rather esoteric which makes it hard to clearly define the objectives and even to elucidate a desired solution.  In a masculine, goal focused, society this makes it a bit hard to understand.  My old friend, who met me there, tells me this is an integral part of the ideal, in that by not having specific demands the movement is open to evolve and morph into whatever it needs to be without the confines or structure of an imposed objective.  (I hope I got that right mate - please correct me with a comment if I screwed up).  Ergo the system is broken but the fix may not have revealed itself yet.  Oh and BTW my old friend was great, it made me smile to think how unchanged she really is after 30 years of not seeing each other.  Yet again I am reminded of what terrific friends I picked all those years ago!

Just an update, I did take a cane/walking stick with me.  I never really realized before that it is like having a private portable banister or handrail whenever you want it, which is kind of cool.  (I have been a huge handrail user for years since a few falls down stairs, due to crappy balance, drummed it into my thick head.)  I was feeling pretty damn good yesterday and I really didn't need the cane though I must confess to giving it a lot more use on the way home when I was starting to get seriously tired.  Last night was one of those nights when the need to be horizontal overwhelmed hunger and thirst and was only trumped by the need to pee!

The Pessimistic Optimist Erupts

This little image appeared (originally from someone called Stevie Kidd) in my facebook feed today...

The accompanying text indicated that we need to take this step out of our comfort zones TODAY!

Well I looked at the diagram and considered my personal steps out of my comfort zone (that were MANY and varied) and how many of them actually landed in that enormous circle "where the magic happens" and I figured the diagram should look a little more like this...

I just listened to an interview on the radio with a woman called Barbara Ehrenreich who has written a book called Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America.  You can listen to the interesting interview here- http://www.kpbs.org/news/2009/dec/14/has-positive-thinking-undermined-america/

We have been completely swamped in the last few years by movements like "The Secret" and "Think and Grow Rich" and it makes me wonder if it has created a culture of ostrich-ism (no not ostracism though that is evident too).  It seems everyone was doing the ostrich thing while the mortgage industry collapsed into chaos.  Ms Ehrenreich suggests that it may have been viewed as negative if someone had said to their bank something like, "I'm concerned about our exposure to subprime mortages".

Could it be that this relentless dedication to positive thinking is really a way to tell people who have a problem to "Just shut up!"?  Is it the great ameliorate of all ills that it is purported to be or is it simply an unrealistic superficial way of chucking a Scarlet O'Hara and deciding to "think about that tomorrow"?

I have always deeply resented the "heartwarming" stories I see on TV of people who through positivity, grit and determination overcome a disease or a disability.  The partial paraplegic who is lauded for learning to walk again, to me, is a not so subtle put down of the person whose physical condition is unable to be overcome.  Positivity and determination WILL NOT allow someone with a severed spinal cord to walk, it doesn't allow someone with MS to halt the degeneration of their body, and it doesn't make my aches, pains and fatigue disappear.  I resent this slight against the people, of whom I am one, who have real constant issues that won't go away.

Getting fired or laid off is a REAL problem and is not as easily surmounted as those who have job security might think.  Studies about stress and satisfaction have indicated that seeing the final outcome of your labours is intrinsic to having less stress, a better self image, and a sense of accomplishment.  Is there anything more dissatisfying than sending resume after resume into the ether and receiving NO response?  Having a positive attitude becomes like a drug that requires a regular "fix".  You write a cover letter and send it off with high hopes and visions of success... you never hear back... you write another and hope again... etc etc....  There is a point at which pasting on the smile and imagining yourself in the position becomes kind of sad and desperate, and where you could easily fit into that classic definition of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Sure if you get an interview and have a chance to actually meet someone THAT is the time for pumping yourself up like an East German female weight lifter and being UBER POSTIVE TO THE POWER OF 10!

I have stepped out of my comfort zone in this life more than almost anyone I know - almost every time I have seen an opportunity I have reached for it - and quite a few of those chances have failed and damaged me financially, physically and emotionally.  The simple act of leaping into the unknown wrapped in your positive attitude is DANGEROUS!  I took what at the time I described as "calculated risks" - I should have realized that I wasn't good at maths and that my calculations might be flawed!  Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets and I wouldn't give back the depth of experience I have gained through taking chances.  I have busted my comfort zone over and over and I will bust out of it again very soon I am sure - just as soon as I lick my wounds and try to heal a little from the damage caused last time.

My mother used to say "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst."  Mum was a child during The Great Depression and was one of the most positive and genuinely upbeat people I have ever known.  Her zest for life and rollicking enthusiasm were evident to anyone who had the privilege to meet her and I hope that I have inherited some of that spark.  She was right in her pessimistic optimism and I really believe the world would be a better place if BIG business and BIG government took a leaf from her book.