De-Lovely... Cole Porter said it best!

"It's delightful, it's delicious, 
It's delectable, it's delirious, 
It's dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe, 
It's de-lovely"


The Devine Cole Porter Deftly Defined "D" alliteration and Didn't he Dream up a Doozie?


Today we are off to visit my Dreamy friend (previously referred to as The Lioness). In her work she Documents and tries to Defend one of Sydney's convict landmarks.  In this case it is the only site that is Dedicated to the convict women.  I can't wait to see her and the Dig!

A Ditty of Doggerel

Is all I can write

As  I murder the language with Devilish Delight!

*wicked evil grin as befits the Descendant of Depraved Deported felons*

Claude Raines has nothing on me!

First I must admit that EVEN I am not old enough to remember Claude Raines performance in The Invisible Man...  I guess I could be a bit more "trendy and current" by referring to the invisibility cloak in the Harry Potter books... either way you get my drift!

I am writing this blog for a brand new blog carnival that is specifically focused on Understanding Invisible Illness (UII to those on the inside!).  This first call for blog submissions has asked for successful procedures  or treatments that make life better.  Unfortunately I haven't got a story that is exactly of that ilk but I certainly can wax lyrical, at length, about the influences in my life that have made my (mostly) invisible illness easier to bear.

First though I want to talk a little about what this invisible illness means to me.  Way back when I first started Gonna Eat Worms I wrote a blog about invisible illness and in it I drew a parallel between having an invisible condition and being a gay or lesbian person who looks "straight".  The interesting part of this is that I experience my life as a lesbian primarily as someone whose orientation is quite obvious and yet I experience life as a person with a chronic disabling condition as "able to pass".  Any keen observer, or any person specifically interested in me would realize that I have limitations, they would probably notice that I am in pain even when I choose not to mention it; but the fact is that there are very few keen observers in this world and most people are far more interested in other things (like themselves) than they are in me.  So by and large I can muddle along and remain in the disabled "closet" if that is where I want to be.

Concealing your real identity and hiding your condition, both come at a price.  Never having served in India with the British Raj I have not fully perfected my "stiff upper lip" and hiding my pain and not utilizing aids (like my walking stick/cane) makes everything worse.  It makes things hurt more and for longer, it makes my recovery time longer and more painful, and it sets up a plethora of future situations where people who don't know I have a problem will ask me to do things that I just can't do.  In spite of this substantial weight of evidence I still want to hide sometimes and I can't loudly and proudly declare my condition.  Yes, I can pass and yes, I sometimes choose that option.  There are times when it is advantageous to conceal my weakness and because my condition is fundamentally invisible I have that choice!

So although I have no treatments or procedures that have helped me I do have a couple of HUGE positives that make my life a LOT easier.  I have found doctors who believe me and who don't treat me like I am a malingering bludger... This is NOT the experience of all my Fibro Sisters.  I have a partner (TLOML) who is always considerate of my situation, she checks in with me and gets my personal weather report regularly.  She also runs interference for me with other people, at times "outing" me at a point when I would perhaps have remained closeted, but though in those cases I was pushed rather than jumping I really am glad because it makes life easier when people know and understand.

Tonight we are going to a February 29th party where people will be sitting on the floor to share a Syrian style banquet.  TLOML has been onto it already warning our hosts that sitting on the floor is probably not workable for me and making sure that alternative seating will be available.  I get a little embarrassed when people make a fuss but the longer term benefits of not exacerbating my problems far outweighs the few moments of awkwardness.

Invisibility; a curse and a blessing.  It gives me freedom but also causes me to be the recipient of considerable disrespect at times.  I guess the real problem, personally, is that it compromises my reality and taints my authenticity.  I have been out and proud as a lesbian for nearly thirty years, I have supported my fellow travelers and defended the rights of all people to live their personal truths.  So now I think it's time to summon Gloria Gaynor and blast "I am what I am, I don't want praise, I don't want pity!"  Not just for me but for everyone who lives with disabilities and chronic illness, the more we all speak up, accept and declare ourselves, the sooner we will defeat the stigma of difference.

Dear Mum, Happy Birthday.

Dear Mum,

today is your birthday and you would have been turning 94. Every year since you died I have written about you and told my friends what a wonderful woman you were and how much you will always live on in my heart. Yet every year since you died I have not been able to speak clearly of my own life because I have known that you would have been worried for me and perhaps disappointed.

When I went back to the US after your death I seemed to draw some strength from you and I found my spine and almost immediately extricated myself from the terrible relationship I was in at that time. I just knew that you would never have wanted me to be abused and manipulated as I had been.

Finally, three years after your death, I have things happening in my life that I know would make you happy. I've been living in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, in your old stomping ground, and the memories of you, my aunts and uncles and my cousins, are very strong nearly every day. You are omnipresent in my mind.

I know you often thought my partners didn't treat me well enough. I always knew the bias of your love and the way you so selflessly cared for the boys and me. I knew that your standard was virtually unobtainable. But Mum, I think I've found the one you would have loved. She is everything the others lacked, soft and good humoured, ready to laugh, kind, caring and oh so very loving.

I sometimes wonder if you would perhaps remember her, or at least remember my speaking of her. She doesn't recall ever meeting you but your steel trap of a mind would remember her if you had met when she and I were at school. I wish you were here to see how she loves me, I think you would approve. It's a bit like the one really good relationship I had, only better. I'm more ready now, Mum. I couldn't stay still before; I was stagnating.

All of my life you only ever wanted to see me happy and yet the last ten years of your life you saw me in almost every condition but happy. I'm happy now. Mum. For once I really think I am with someone you would have loved.

I'm sorry the boys and I have not stuck together, I know that was your dying wish, I will try – I will see them both at Christmas and I will forgive and be open to closeness with them. The Boy will see his cousins and I will take it all in for you. 

Happy Birthday.  I love you.

Old friends, New friends and friends becoming ???

What an interesting day it has been!

Today I went out to Parramatta and met up with The Boy and then we were joined by The Lioness and her lovely daughter for lunch.  The "kids" discovered a shared love of the TV series "Charmed" (I can't believe how into it they both were... discussing costumes worn in particular scenes!!!  I asked The Lioness if she could name the clothes worn by her favourite characters on MASH - Green Uniforms Of Course!!!  Life was simpler when we were kids LOL).

The Lioness is one of those people who I have loved since the day we met.  I remember well our meeting.  I had been cast in a student production of the play Woyzeck (A torturous painful story) and The Lioness was to design the costumes and the set.  I went back to her house for a cuppa that day and we have been friends ever since.  At times we have been disconnected by time and distance but I have never felt anything short of love for her.  Now here we are, each with a child who just finished school, all lunching together.  It was lovely and too brief but the love was strong and it always will be.

After lunch we popped in to visit some new friends.  I met her at the hospital on Eileen's birthday... the last time I saw Eileen.  The Boy and I became closer to her and her family at the funeral.  It was a lovely but brief visit.  Such warmth and kindness from new friends.  I have been giving her some business advice from my marketing days... I should have thought to take her a copy of my book... Sometimes I don't have the bright idea until too late.  Oh well - Next time!

Tonight is the last night before TLOML arrives in Sydney tomorrow afternoon.  For some reason I seem to have reached a place of calm certainty.  Suddenly I'm not as nervous as I was.  I'm not as excited as I was.  I'm not as wound up by it all.  I just feel very calm and steady.  I feel very warm and comfortable and loving - not nearly so frenetic as my energy has been in the lead up.  Almost fatalistic.  In truth what can we be but fatalistic?  It will be what it will be and I will always treasure this time, this phase; it has its own merit and value.  It's too late to start trying to make myself beautiful - that project should have been commissioned twenty years ago!

In my life I have only ever met two women who bear my name.  One was a sales assistant in a department store when I was a kid... a stranger in a black dress who said "that's my name too".  The other was TLOML...  When I try to imagine how many people I have met in my life time it is inestimable.  The shared name is freaky weird but our relationship isn't freaky or weird in any way.  It just seems natural.  Whatever happens I know these things, we are both sensitive and kind people, we are both honest, there will be nothing harsh or unfeeling.

And who knows... this could be it... this could be forever... maybe we really are living in a love story!  It sure feels like it!

Women Do Something (Continuing the conversation)

A couple of weeks ago I attended an event called Women Say Something and, naturally because I tell you guys almost everything, I blogged about it.  Thanks to that first event and the wonders of Facebook I am now hooked in to some super cool active women, the kind of women who get off their arses and make an event like this happen.  It seemed natural that I would go to the follow up event, after all it was free and I am broke, it's about feminist issues and I'm a feminist.  Best of all the event was attended by the fabulous Kimberly Dark.

Kimberly is a sociologist and a story teller.  She uses humour, irony and anecdote to open our eyes to the strange and interesting diversity of thought and perspective in our world.  I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to attend and to enjoy her work.

Me under the star with the star of the show, Kimberly Dark.

Lots of very interesting topics were raised and discussed by the group.  Many would be worthy of exploration and commentary.  The thing that resonated with me most intensely was the need to hold to our beliefs and represent our points of view every day in as many situations as we encounter.  One articulate young woman pointed out that thirty or forty years ago there was a huge gap in equality, it was blatant and gaping.  It was easy to see the cause, to know what was needed in the fight for Women's Liberation, for the Women's Movement, for Feminism.  So many things have changed and so many barriers have been broken down that it is more difficult than it was back then to simplistically categorize the target.  Yet inequity still exists in every arena.  As the young woman put it, "there are many small gaps rather than one large one".

I can't remember a time in my life when I did not believe that we influence the world one person at a time.  Mostly, on a day to day basis, I just try to make people smile in the hopes that they too will make someone else smile.  Long before that disgusting schmaltzy movie "Pay It Forward" claimed the high ground I believed in the difference small interactions can make.  As a lesbian I have always been "Out and Proud" in virtually every situation I have lived through.  This is how you combat homophobia.  You keep showing people that gay people are just normal everyday people like them, they/we are their friends, co-workers, family etc.  I don't think anyone has ever said this better than Hilary Clinton did recently at the Human Rights Day in Geneva, here courtesy of the Huffington Post is a transcript of her brilliant speech..  I digress...

Feminist is (as Girlwiththecane said in a comment on the last blog) still a dirty word..  But I don't really care what we call it (though it would be convenient to have a title that symbolically represented basically the same thing to everyone) but I do care about women and equality.  I believe we need to not shirk the day to day responsibility of having the courage of our convictions.  The courage to clearly state what we believe and why it matters to us.  I believe that we need to be Out and Proud as women and as feminists (regardless of the title).  We are 51% of the population, the world over, and we own less than 1% of the world's property.

Courtesy of Girl's Guide to Taking Over The World

This fight has not been won.  

This struggle is not over.  

This complacency is killing us.  

Every day in every interaction, we, the ordinary people not just the high profile organizers and activists, WE need to take this debate to our friends, our co-workers, and our families...

Stand up and be counted or stand down and be trodden on.

(As an aside some of the women were kicking on for a drink at my old stomping ground The Imperial but unfortunately I was starting to get that urge to be horizontal so I gave it a miss... maybe next time!)

What a difference a month makes...

One month ago I posted a blog

11/11/11

In that blog I made a series of wishes.  Strange events have been afoot since I broadcast my wish list into The Universe (aka Herbert).  Many of my wishes were for the planet and for all people and it's hard to tell if they are coming true.  Six of the wishes were specifically for me.  At the time that I wrote the blog times were pretty tough for me.  I was seriously flaring and in a lot of pain and I was dragged down by tremendous fatigue.  I had other basic personal issues that were causing me a great deal of anxiety too.  I felt unloved and unlovable.

The 11th of November was a Friday.  I was born on a Friday.  "Friday's child is loving and giving".

The 12th of November just happened to be the birthday of one of my old friends from high school.  We were connected on Facebook and you know how you get the birthday notification?  Well I left her a brief happy birthday message.  Later that afternoon I saw, for the first time, that she was online.  I umm'd and ahhh'd about sending her a chat message; I didn't want to intrude.  Finally I decided to say "hi" and ask if her birthday was going well.  My entire world has changed because of that message.  I know that seems a little drastic but it is completely true.  My old school friend is TLOML.  We started talking and we have not stopped.  She is everything I never dared to dream of in a partner and for some strange cosmic reason she seems to adore me too.

On the 14th of November I had my first appointment with the Immunologist Professor McCool.  He has taken an aggressive approach to trying to identify all the various issues that are plaguing me.  He has also put me on an anti-depressant for pain.  I have been doing better since I started to see him and I feel a real sense of security as his patient.

Since the day I made those wishes I can honestly say that each of the six wishes, that was personal in nature, has been positively impacted.

• I am more healthy - not perfect but substantially improved
• I am loving and I am loved in return
• I have the hope of a safe and comfortable environment in which to live
• I do not have as many things that are worrying me
• I have laughed more in the last month than in the 12 months before combined
• I have been spending a lot of time with interesting, caring, socially conscious people and there is the a promise of much more to come in that area

So there you have it.  It has been quite the turnaround.  In the last month I have fallen in love with someone I have liked and respected for over 30 years.  I have gone from quite a dark and depressing situation to one of great hope.  I feel easily twice as good as I felt then.  Maybe I am just high on that drug money can't buy or maybe ... just maybe ... Herbert has decided it's my turn to have some of my dreams come true.

Makes me wonder if maybe I should have wished for buckets of money too... oh well... money is nice but it can't hold your hand when you are feeling crappy, it can't make your heart leap and your eyes glow, it can't open your mind and enlighten your conscience, it can't make a beautiful woman swoon (well not the kind of woman I would ever be interested in).

The more I talk with TLOML the more it seems that we were kind of destined to be close.  We share strange things.  Other than our time at school together there have been numerous times we were in the same places, frequenting the same haunts.  Here is a little list of some of the odd coincidences.

• We have the same unusual name
• Our Dads were both doctors
• Our Dads left our mothers when we were the same age (6)
• We both have older brothers (her one me two)
• We are both the youngest child
• We both had step-mother issues
• Though I come from completely the other side of town my step-mother took me shopping as an 8 yr old in her neighbourhood (she and my Dad lived there when they were first married)
• She knew my first cousin before she ever met me
• We swam at the same harbourside beach as kids - we might have even played together who knows?
• Then we were at school together and sat side by side in Geography and Home Room

Although we have not seen each other since school....

• We attended the same University, and took the same subject, in the same year
• We share several mutual acquaintances
• We both lived in the same rural region during the 1990's
• She worked at a place that I have been to many times

Now to the present

• Her nephew is in the same class at school as The Horsewoman's daughter (which is why I got a weird facebook friend suggestion for the lad - we had two mutual friends)
• The Horsewoman sat next to TLOML's brother and sister-in-law at a school function recently
• We are both single
• We are both 49
• We are both ready to make a relationship that buries forever the dysfunction of our previous relationships
• We are both crazy about each other!!!

Now I understand that Australia is not as heavily populated as the US but Sydney is a city of over five million people.  These kinds of things don't happen every day.  You talk about five degrees of separation.... try heaps of versions of one and two degrees of separation?  It feels like all roads lead to TLOML and I might have been a moron not to get the message any sooner!!!

In reality it is the right time and the right place... I think we are both ready to be happy and I am enjoying every second and valuing it as a gift from Herbert!

Women Say Something

Tonight I attended an event.

Long ago, back before cell phones and personal computers, before MASH stopped running, before I even knew what the words meant, I referred to myself as a Marxist Feminist Lesbian - at the time I was none of the three.

Time passed and I totally embraced one of the labels, held firm to the principles of another, and modified the third.  I grew to become a Socialist Feminist Lesbian.  I was never a separatist (though I have dear friends who were) but I understood where they were coming from and I marched for women's rights and listened to good solid lesbian lefty folk singers.

Somewhere in the late1980's and 1990's the wheels seem to have fallen off the women's movement, even the separatists mostly came down out of the hills and "played the game" and worked for "the man".  Of course I was swept along just like everyone else...  Settled down, had a baby, stuck at a real job, bought a house...  But it was never far beneath the surface.  Even when I moved to the US in 99/2000, even in the US, where when you say the word "socialist" lots of people hear the word "Stalin", I kept saying it.

Dammit I am a SOCIALIST and I am a FEMINIST and I am still (although not practicing LOL) a LESBIAN!

Sooooooooo by way of Twitter and Facebook I accidentally head about this event so I spent the afternoon resting and I went!

Oh my goodness - when did lesbians and feminists get so young?  Yikes!

There were two panels, the first focused mainly on inclusion and talked a lot about bullying in schools.  The second looked at feminism and (this is my takeaway so forgive me if it is not what anyone else got from the discussion) it talked about the future of feminism and if the word feminism can be revived/reclaimed/revitalized.  A couple of times the word humanism was brought up as a possible replacement.  At one point during the first discussion one of the panelists mentioned that dropping the words "Gay and Lesbian" from the front of the words Mardi Gras for the giant celebration held in Sydney ever Feb/March was an example of us (the queer community) showing the world that we are more inclusive than "they" are.  I wonder if the word "humanism" were to be applied would it be considered the same way?  Or have we become so inclusive that we no longer have an identity?  Personally I think that if the feminist movement was no longer identified as relating to women it would have no validity and no reason to exist.  One of the panelists insisted that she would always refer to herself as a feminist and that failing to do so would be disrespectful to all the women who have fought for the "equality" we have today (such as it is) and I agree.

There was an older woman on the second panel (one of the few people I saw who was most likely older than me!!!) and she suggested that we are bogged down in viewing the world from an economic (ie male dominated/goal focused/financial) point of view and that we need to move back to a focus on society.  She said there needed to be a collective movement towards societal change.  At this point one of the other panelists mentioned the Occupy movement and no one really pointed out that Occupy is totally an economic focused movement, its very core is an opposition to corporate greed and a desire for a more equitable distribution of wealth.

This evolved into a discussion of how factional in fighting and issue arguments are disrupting the ability of women/feminists to organize.  One of the other panelists, a very interesting woman who is the secretary of a major trade union made a very interesting point...  She said that no one has more in fighting than the unions but that when Australia was under the conservative Prime Minister John Howard they managed to put aside their differences and unite against the common enemy.

This to me is the crux of the issue....  The common enemy, the overarching goal, the fundamental principles - they must be grave enough and significant enough to unite us and to compel us to act.

On the way home I was singing this song to myself in the car...

Judy Small singing about the amazing Jessie Street.

Folksingers like Judy Small, Alix Dobkin, Cris Williamson, Maggie Kirkpatrick, and other lesbian artists like Robyn Archer taught us our women's history and reinforced our social consciences.  Who are the young women of today learning from?  I mean I really like Beyonce (The Boy would kill me if I said anything else) and Irreplaceable (to the left to the left) is a very empowering song but it's hardly educational.

God help us if it's Katy Perry!

Homeward bound, I wish I were...

The new med I'm taking has made me even more exhausted than usual and perhaps it is also making me depressed...  It wouldn't be the first time an anti-depressant had a depressing effect on me.  Wellbutrin made me cry all the time...  I'm at the point (having taken it 3 times) where I am wondering if I should tell Professor McCool that it is having a negative impact.  Being 3pm on a Friday afternoon I really need to make my mind up.

Today I received two almost identical emails both with the heading "Hello" both somewhat unexpected.  One from my gay brother and the other from my step-sister.  Both were inquiring if I am going to make it to Christmas.  It must have been Check On Displaced Day.  Hmmm.  I mentioned this to both of them and my step-sister insists that it is pure coincidence.

Well, I just put in a quick call to McCool and after being routed to the wrong number 4 times I actually got his office where he personally answered the phone!  He says to persevere and that the tiredness will pass in a week or so.   He asked if I was suicidal.  I've probably been asked that about 5 times this week.  I'm not suicidal.  I would never do that to my son.  I couldn't leave him with that legacy.  Although to be honest, other than him I sometimes wonder, 'what's the point?'

I do have a purpose though, at least for now...  Shortly I am going to drag my sorry arse out of bed and go and pick up The Boy from the train station.  Then I'm taking him back to The Best Friend's house and I'm going to hang out there for a while.  She will make me laugh.

An interesting thing has been going on lately.  I have reconnected with an old school friend (not one mentioned before) and we have been chatting online late in the evenings.  I don't want to make too much of this but it seems for some reason, that is yet to be revealed, this connection is important to both of us.  I actually think about our interaction during the day and even, dare I say it, look forward to our talks.
I wonder if there are people who are like the human equivalent of "comfort food"?
I pose this theory;-
We have a great deal in common (socio-economic background, very similar education, daughters of divorced houses, we have the same unusual name (girls called Displaced are pretty unusual), we are both lesbians, we are both single)
We shared a brief period of time when we were girls/young women (we sat next to each other in class, we belonged to the same school clubs)
We were both kind girls at a time when girls were often so horrible to each other.
We both hated the same teacher... and she hated us!
I wonder if we are comforting to each other in some way, like the smell of baking bread or apple pie might be if your granny had been a baker.  My self esteem is so low at the moment I can't imagine that anyone would be interested in me in any way other than as a friend, I have so little to offer, so little to bring to the table...

So now I need to express my gratitude... The Boy, The Best Friend, The New Connection, The Reader, The Horsewoman, Dr McLovely, Professor McCool, you are all helping me get through this low period in my life and I am grateful for you all.  I am also grateful for my online friends/readers/fellow bloggers - in particular my Fibro Sisters Jazz and Kathy and the coolest advocate of all Sarah... and never to be forgotten My Pseudo!

Back in the day...

A long time ago when I was just a baby dyke there were no positive lesbian role models.

I'm talking about before even Martina Navratilova came out.  Before k.d.lang, before Melissa Etheridge, before Rosie O'Donnell, before ELLEN!  It was no surprise that Martina Navratilova was having a relationship with Rita Mae Brown because after all they were, after all, the ONLY two lesbians on Earth!

I just read this story, unfortunately I can't find the author's byline...

Dallas Voice story re death of Barbara Grier

The author makes the point more eloquently than I can, what a difference organizations like Naiad Press made to young lesbians around the world.  Barbara Grier and her partners were instrumental in making lesbian literature accessible to all of us.  It saddens me that such an institution faded away with the retirement of Ms Grier and her partner Donna McBride and yet it is really a credit to them that it did.

It seems that there is an aspect of planned obsolescence in a movement like the 'Lesbian Movement' or the 'Women's Movement' and even in things like the 'Civil Rights' movement.  If such a movement succeeds in it's primary objective, which in it's simplest form is full acceptance/integration, then the movement which fought so hard and so long becomes redundant.  It is paradoxical that success begets failure, if not failure certainly the reduction of purpose.

There was a time, in my lifetime, when a statement like "I kissed a girl and I liked it" would have landed you in at least therapy, perhaps aversion therapy and in the worst case maybe even in a mental hospital.  Those of us who thirsted and hungered for lesbian role models were saved by organizations like Naiad Press and by pioneers like Barbara Grier.

To Ms Grier, and others like her, all lesbians of today owe a debt of gratitude.

I salute you.

Can't sleep

Oh I can't sleep at night,
But just the same
I never weep at night
I call your name

hang on, whose name?

Dammit I need a girlfriend to annoy with my restless sleep and endless whinging!

I wake up and no one complains...

TOO weird!

Too tired really - just a quick update.

Today we said goodbye to Eileen, I cried so much I think I became dehydrated.  I was almost embarrassed to be weeping so steadily.  But I wasn't only grieving for Eileen, I was crying for my mother, my father, my aunt and uncles, my cousins, my friends who are gone, and for all of us who are left behind.  I have decided that grief is cumulative.  Another thought that occurs to me is that I want to cry so often and don't.  I want to cry when it hurts so much I feel like it will never ease, I want to cry when I'm told to suck it up cause it isn't that bad, and I want to cry when the level of irritation my body is feeling makes real rest almost impossible.  So I have a lot of repressed tears, well I did before filling several tissues today.

The Boy was wonderful and I am so very grateful to have him nearby again.  The Best Friend deserves to have her halo polished (with the deluxe wax job!) for being so thoughtful and kind today.  I arrived at her house (where the boy will be staying for the next couple of months) to find she had laid a sheet and a pillow on the couch so I would have somewhere nice and clean to lie down immediately.  I wanted to worship at her shrine and of course (in an effort to make sure I left no tear duct even vaguely moist) I cried with relief to be horizontal, safe, and able to let go of the rigid determination to "soldier on" for at least a little while.  (You will be proud of me to know I managed NOT to whimper!)

I have a huge day tomorrow again and I don't know how I am going to drag myself through it.  Doctors, the Government, more doctors...  But I will do it because I have waited weeks for these appointments.

I just want to finish by saying that there really are some phenomenal people out there... we lost one in Eileen but  others remain.  I feel a bit like the tarot card the 5 of swords... 3 are gone but 2 remain...

All is not lost.

A mighty Big day! Or a big Mighty day

Well my body is feeling like shit and I'm not surprised!  I really pushed myself yesterday and I had a HUGE day.

I rested all day on Friday in preparation for Saturday hoping like crazy that I would be feeling ok and as fit as possible so that I could attend the Occupy Sydney Rally.  I TRULY believe that THIS is our chance to try to make a difference.  Now is the time for moderate, ordinary people to stand up and be counted and damn-it I'm going to be one of them!   In spite of the inconvenience, in spite of the pain, in spite of the cost, in spite of the small difference one person can make - I WENT.

My old friend from kindergarten, I'll call her The Reader couldn't make it, though I forgive her and fully understand why, but my other friend from high school, The Radical, was there which was excellent!  I found a seat and listened to the speakers occasionally joining in the chanted responses... "whose streets? OUR STREETS" "whose world? OUR WORLD" and when the group took off like a herd of turtles up George St I ambled along, stick in hand.  We didn't "march" (I use the word very loosely) far, only about 4 blocks.  At one point I shortened my route by cutting through an upscale mall (the MLC Centre) and enjoyed the respite of the shade and the escalator capitalism offered me (LOL - the irony wasn't lost on me even as I hobbled past Gucci, Cartier and Louis Vuitton).  I was pretty exhausted by the time we reached the assembly point so I didn't stay long there.  However an interesting thing happened on my way up George St - I was interviewed by the nightly news people (not Murdoch or Packer LOL) and although they used my least coherent snippet I did make it into the newscast.  Rats - I was going to put the link in and tell you where to find me but it directs to a more recent story now! ( The Best Friend managed to catch the story and said I should commiserate with Obama that they chose the wrong soundbite.)  I think they approached me because of my grey hair and walking stick, little did they know, I launched freely with "I'm not against capitalism but I am against corporate greed, there is a gross inequity in the distribution of wealth in our society, the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer and it's wrong..."  I suspect I wasn't quite the dithering, benign woman they were expecting.  The bit they chose to show was something like "there needs to be more sharing of the wealth"... oh well.

The need to be horizontal was becoming overwhelming, I'm like a drug addict needing a fix, so I had a lie down on the back seat of my car while I waited to pick another old friend up at the train station.  She was delayed by the trains and as much as I was busting to see her I was really glad to have the extra time to rest.

I don't know where to begin to tell you about my wonderful evening!  I literally laughed so much my sides are aching (and Felix the Cat was not present!).  Thirty years ago, when I was a university student for the first time I met an incredible woman, let's call her The Lioness.  We were working on a student theatre production together, I was acting and she was doing costume and set designing, and instantly we became friends forever. She is a person who exudes kindness, love and good humour.  Well back in 1981 she took me back to her house where she lived in share accommodation with a tribe of people and there I met a woman who was to become another of my best "friends forever" friends, let's call her, The Actress.  One of the housemates, who now lives in the US, is a close phone/internet friend still, and another, who I didn't know quite as well but whom I always enjoyed I shall call, The Scientist.  Last night the four of us who are in  Australia met for the evening.

I can't remember (not kidding here) the last time I had such a wonderful evening, the last time I laughed so much, the last time laughter and good company took most of my aches and pains away (probably aided by a few libations LOL).  That amount of laughter is dangerous for middle-aged women who have given birth!  Even now as I try to think of ways to convey the amusement I am laughing.  The Lioness, who happens to be 5' 10" and slender, getting escorted to the ladies room (a novel experience) by a little Chinese waiter was one hilarious moment... on her return to the table upon inquiry about her escort it was explained that there is a code to get back in from the bathroom and he tried to show her but she "can't see and can't remember" so he just provided an escort instead.  The Actress was wearing a pair of simply divine bright red high heels and so she became "Dorothy" for the evening followed by The Lioness (Lion), The Scientist, who is brilliant by any estimation, (she asked what the Scarecrow, wanted, to which I replied - "a brain!") and me, with my crunchy creaky body (Tin Man) and we followed the yellow brick road around Chinatown and eventually back to The Actress's house where we got to have dessert and a cuppa with her wonderful hubby, The Percussionist.

This period of my life has been quite unusual.  I don't have any new friends at the moment (aside from my beloved mates on the other side of the computer screen!)  I spend my time, when I do socialize with people I have known for ALL of my adult life and in some cases most of my entire life.  Usually we have had long breaks in our contact, heaven knows I am a poor friend in that department,  I leave it too long, get busy, feel like I have nothing of value to contribute, move to the other side of the planet, a million strange and twisted feelings prevent me from maintaining regular contact.  Yet here they are, this collection of extraordinary women who I was fortunate enough to befriend in my youth, they are amazing, and beautiful, and funny, and loving, and quite frankly they are everything anyone would want in a friend.  It makes me feel unworthy but still so damn lucky.

We are texting backwards and forwards today someone clever (The Scientist, quelle suprise!) seems to have figured out how to text everyone at once.  The laughter and warmth survives despite the long time it has been between drinks.  But it isn't just these three...  It's The Reader, The Radical, The Best Friend, The Horsewoman, The Ex Girlfriend (X2 LOL), The Separatist, these are the incredible women I have rediscovered and I am going to do everything I can to never get so far away from them again.

Should I write this? (and the sequel Should I Post This?)

I'm not sure if I want this going out into the galaxy of infinite internet information...  it might be resigned to life as a draft... (not that very many people read my blog anyway)...  BUT...

I had an unusual experience this morning.  I woke from a dream in which I had found a woman attractive.  This probably doesn't sound too extraordinary but it is for me.

The dream was hazy, as they are; it didn't make very much sense, as they don't; and it disappeared all too quickly from my mind, as they do.  I had watched a woman in jeans and a western shirt (she could have been any of those very cute cowgirls at the gay rodeo in Denver) run back across a corral towards me.  She sat down beside me - I don't know who she was and she isn't familiar to my conscious mind, but in the dream I knew her, slightly - she turned towards me, very close - her face no more than 8 inches from mine - and she smiled and her eyes twinkled.  I said, "you have beautiful eyes".  For a moment something electric flashed between us, something that felt strangely like attraction, and she looked down, bashfully and mumbled "Thank you".  Then I woke up.  (I bet you thought we were going to kiss - my dreams aren't that raunchy!)

It isn't very noteworthy I know.  I suppose other people have lots of dreams like this.  I don't.  I don't dream about finding people attractive and I don't dream about falling in love, well not subconsciously anyway.  Attraction, for me, is so rarely visually stimulated.  It always (OK there was one exception back in my mid 20's and you know who you are!) begins with some kind of mental and emotional "CLICK".  I don't lust after attractive strangers or faces on a screen.  The physical attraction needs to support the emotional and intellectual - but it doesn't lead.

This story could go two ways here, I am sorely tempted to start down the "poor me" track (my self esteem is in the toilet, overweight, not very interesting, I walk like a 90 year old) - think I'm gonna eat worms! OR I could swing into "Positive Thinking" mode, which I myself seriously questioned in a blog the other day, and hypocritically decide to put my wishes "out into the universe".

So what do I want?  I would like to meet a woman who makes me laugh and who laughs at my half-witticisms, she MUST be bright, she doesn't need to be beautiful but it is important that something in her look appeals to me, sparkling eyes are a good start!  Not too screwed up is a learned requirement (but that's another story).  It doesn't seem too much to ask, does it?  Oh yeah, one last thing, I want her to think I am fabulous - (some degree of disassociation from reality might be an asset with this).

I guess she isn't going to turn up inside the house so I better go out and do something.  It is a glorious day in Sydney the options are limitless!

I am really bad at making social things happen, just a dash of social anxiety makes it stressful.  So any thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.