It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Well today is my 52nd birthday.

I think birthdays are a time for reflection and for weighing up the trials and tribulations of the past year.  This is the first birthday I have spent with any family for... let me see... last two years on the island with TexLOML...  2011 in Fort Worth TX with two virtual strangers... 2010 YES  in 2010 The Boy was with me and we were with another stranger in Northern California...  Of course there are a long run of birthdays where I have had the pleasure of The Boy's company but I think I have to go back to my 44th in 2006 to find any other family...  In 2006 I celebrated in St Paul Minnesota with heaps of my fabulous MN friends and my mother and my Gay Brother were in the US visiting me.

8 years since I had a family birthday...

Today I am going to have a party here at Str8 Brother and SIL's (sister-in-law) place.  My Str8 Brother called me a couple of weeks ago, when I was in Sydney, and asked what my favourite roast is... naturally I replied "Roast pork with lots of crackling!!!" and then he asked my fave dessert and I said Pavlova... now Str8 Bro doesn't have an oven so I said I would make the Pav at Gay Brother's place the day before.  Gay Brother is invited to my birthday and had accepted the invitation.  Here is where things get a little weird... I must declare that this is only my truth and that I'm sure others have different points of view...

OK so nearly 3 weeks ago these plans were made.  On Tuesday (the party is on Sunday) I called my Gay Brother and left a message asking if it was ok for me to come over Saturday arvo to make a Pav for Sunday and would it be alright if I had a bath while I was there (the last time I saw him I had asked about coming over occasionally for a bath and had been told it was fine.) Gay Bro called back but called Str8 Bro not me (said he didn't have my number)...  I spoke to him and he said he had people visiting for the weekend and that it wasn't convenient for me to use the oven or the bath.  I said "oh, ok that's fine" and then he said something about not being able to come on Sunday to the birthday lunch...  I was not a party to these arrangements and so I handed the phone back to Str8 Brother.  At this point I could see that my Str8 Brother was getting pissed off as he had made the arrangement a few weeks before and I started to have galloping anxiety at the idea of there being a conflict over my birthday.  Well Str8 Brother was fabulous on the phone while Gay Brother was heard (without speaker phone) yelling things about me "swanning back" into his life and expecting everyone to accommodate me (words to that effect).  My anxiety went through the roof.  Long story slightly shorter is that Gay Brother seems incredibly pissed off with me and isn't coming to lunch.

The next day I thought I should try to talk to Gay Brother and see what is the matter.  I popped into his work just before closing time and asked if he might come for a quick drink with me.  I was calm and kept my voice low but my Gay Brother was not.  After an exchange in which he told me he has a nice quiet little life and he doesn't want me intruding on it, and that calling and leaving the message about the pav was an intrusion.  He made it clear he has no room in his life for me.  He then demanded that I leave the office (I think he was struggling to keep his voice low and his anger in check.)

I came home to Str8 and SIL and I was very upset... I have no idea what I have done to make him so angry or to become an "intrusion" on his life.  The last time I saw him before moving back here was when I was on the way up the coast with TexLOML and we had a nice overnight visit.  Nothing horrible has happened in between... Anyway, I can't change anyone but myself, so sitting talking with SIL we decided that we would change the party from a small immediate family lunch to a big BBQ sausage sizzle with our Koori cousins and any assorted friends and relatives and some wonderful old friends of mine who are Koori girls too.

We won't be skulking around mourning the fact that Gay Brother is acting like brat, we won't be just 4 of us sitting around with long faces, we will be 10 or 15 adults and dozens of kids laughing and having a terrific time!  Bring on the good times!

(If Gay Brother decides to pop by and grace us with a few minutes of his time he will get rather a shock I suspect!)

Self Delusions of Good and Evil

I have been going through a VERY interesting period of my life lately.  A good phase I believe for the most part.

Let me catch up from where I was on the last post where I was embarking on a course of hypnotherapy...

It turns out that I am NOT one of the people who is capable of relaxing enough to become hypnotized no matter how hard I try.  My busy busy brain manages to turn attempts to relax into yet another situation for anxiety to manifest...  Let me give you an example... the therapist is saying,
"focus on your toes and let your toes relax" and my brain is saying
"NO not ankles and feet TOES ... think about relaxing your TOES"
she says,
"you are in a beautiful garden" and I tell myself
"a garden a garden... NO not a porch, not a farm... a GARDEN dammit!"
etc etc I was so self critical, and beating myself up the whole time, and I could never really relax.  I was completely hopeless at it!  So my therapy sessions became an opportunity to self reflect and talk over the things with which I was dealing.  (that sentence is for my grammar nazi followers :) )  At first I needed to discuss the pros and cons of leaving the island and moving back to the town in NSW where I lived 15 years ago.  Both of my brothers live there and it also puts me only about 5 hours drive from The Boy.  Once that decision was finally made (a long story in itself) I began to use the sessions to work through the idea of re-immersing in the family dynamic.  Not something I approached lightly as my rather dysfunctional family has been at odds in various configurations throughout my life.  I also talked at length about dealing with someone who has been the cause of terrible trauma and anxiety in my life and who, arguably, has been the primary contributor to my having developed this bloody revolting, anxiety driven, she-devil bitch of a condition.  My hypnotherapist has become my friend and confidant.  She was a wonderful support to me in my last couple of weeks on the island and I'm really glad in some ways that the hypnotherapy didn't work because the alternative did!

It's interesting that when I was a child and I was exposed to an extreme level of volatility and quite frequent unexpected violence - when there was nothing I could do right and no way I could make logic when dealing with a fundamentally illogical, frequently paranoid, and highly explosive adult - I really seemed to not take it on board in my day to day life.  I was frightened and anxious when in her company and yet when thinking about my life I always thought it was wonderful - I was in some kind of denial that had emerged from my mother's Pollyanna attitude and from so constantly being told how fortunate I was.  So if asked, up to about the age of 40, I would always reply that I had enjoyed a charmed childhood; yes I had to deal with one crazy person but otherwise it was wonderful.  While this is true it is also seriously downplaying the crazy person and completely ignoring the impact that exposure has had on my psyche.  I thought I was fine!

I wasn't fine.  I was anxiety driven and desperate to please people who were never pleased by anything I did or said.  I was beating my head, and every other part of my body, against an immovable object.  I was imbued with an almost desperate desire to please, and a caustic and destructive leaning towards self criticism.  I was raised by a stoic and taught to suck it up and move forward and that's what I did!

I feel like an idiot that it has taken me so long to recognize the actual root of some of my issues.  I have a version of PTSD from the volatility and violence that occurred in my childhood.  I have serious issues about not being protected by the person who one would normally expect to protect a child.  I'm desperately critical of myself as a failure when my intelligent, adult mind, knows, for a fact, that no success would ever have been acknowledged and that no achievement would have been enough.

The long and the short of it is that lots of my crap was caused by childhood trauma and lots of my bad relationship decisions of my adulthood have been attempts to replay those situations and have a different outcome.  Unfortunately I was VERY slow to realize that logic doesn't work with histrionic crazy women!  Now I need to make it very clear that none of this has to do with my brothers or my mother.

An interesting thing happened when I was packed and ready to leave the island... my brother, let's just call him The Str8 One, and I were on the phone and I was telling him that my truck was so overloaded that I was concerned I might break a spring in a pothole on the way down the coast and he said something that very nearly brought tears to my eyes... he said "Geeze I'll have to borrow the money [from our brother] to come up with the trailer and get your stuff!"  I was overcome by this because for fifteen years I have had no one who would come and rescue me if I had a problem... the mere idea that someone would drive 1000 kms or more to help was mind-blowing to me!  When I rolled my Jeep on the way to Fargo and The Boy and I were hanging upside down in our seat belts I just handled it; cops, tow truck, motel, insurance, car hire, etc etc.  When my basement flooded I handled it; move stuff, rent pump, clean up etc etc.  When an ear infection was making me throw up and possibly eating through to my brain I took myself to hospital.  I have moved myself in the last 10 years, in my own vehicle, usually alone, or with The Boy, about 15 times for a total of something like 14,000 kilometres - with my possessions on my back I have traveled the same distance as from New York to Los Angeles and back three and a half times!  This does not include the move from the US back to Australia - also alone.  There has been precious little rescuing going on in my life for a long time!  I felt so warmed by his response - so hopeful for our future.

The move away from the island is worthy of its own blog - it was a monster!  A story for another time :)

This blog is about huge changes and huge self-revelations.  Wonderful things are happening in my life.  I feel like I'm part of a family again.  My brother and sister-in-law have been incredible and it feels so warm and hopeful.  I feel like I'm becoming more aware of my own influences and of just how much my physical problems have been precipitated by my anxiety and PTSD.  It really is such an obvious sequence.  The  Professor I saw at the Pain Clinic, back when I first started this blog, prescribed a low stress life and the wearing of sensible shoes.  I have the shoe part covered and now maybe I can really work on the life part!

Life, Health, Family and Hypnosis - Can I be helped?

Well I've been meaning to write for a while but like everything else in my life I haven't been able to get around to it...  Those Round Tuits are hard to come by!

Since Christmas, when I had a wonderful talk with my family, I have been thinking of moving back to the NSW Mid North Coast.  It would put me within a half days drive of The Boy and I would be close to my brothers, their partners, my nephew and some old friends.  I'm still glad I didn't move there when TexLOML and I bit the dust.  At that time I was down and needy and it would have been fraught with unreasonable expectations.  Like running home to Mum when Mum is long gone.  Now at least I know I can survive on my own - maybe not thrive but at least survive.

I've been in a bit of a hole lately.  TexLOML has begun a new "thing" with her ex,  I wish her only the best but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.  She's putting pressure on me to get the rest of my stored crap out from under her house and quite frankly at the moment it is hard enough for me to get out of bed.  The meds I have been taking for diabetes make me nauseous and I am so monumentally demotivated that it's hard to describe.  Well, to borrow something I saw on Facebook, "You can't imagine the enormity of the fuck I don't give".  It's hard finding motivation when you feel like shit.

Over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I just don't care enough about myself to take care of myself.  Thank Herbert that I care enough for the dog to feed her and take her for a walk every day because if it weren't for her I probably would never leave my bedroom other than to go to the bathroom!  When I was with TexLOML I used to live by her work schedule.  Every weekday afternoon when it edged towards to her coming home time I would jump up and do all the things I wanted to accomplish that day.  I'd clean, fix stuff, wash etc and often get dinner on.  I find that, for myself, I really can't be bothered doing anything and I should bother!

I should be worth bothering about - I should be a good enough reason to cook decent food and get some exercise - I should value myself enough to try and live a healthy life - even to get up out of my bed and do things.  But I don't care about myself.

Soooo I started wondering if maybe I could do something about myself so that by the time my lease is up (mid May) I will be fitter and healthier and maybe able to embrace a better lifestyle.  I could move back to NSW in good shape.  Then I started to wonder if maybe a hypnotherapist could help me to find some drive and motivation... maybe help me to see myself as valuable enough to take care of.

Tomorrow I have my first session.  I'm worried about my ability to be hypnotized and I'm worried about whether it will work or not...  I'm worried about releasing control...  I did some research about how to get the most out of hypnosis and the bottom line seems to be that I need to relax and when I start to get analytical I need to release that and go with the flow. I need to trust the process.  I am determined to give it the best shot possible.

It isn't easy living life with a chronic condition that will probably never go away, it isn't easy being in pain, it isn't easy contemplating (or doing) exercise when you know it will make your pain worse.  Yet these are also excuses and cop outs...  I manage to rise above my condition in many ways and I need to rise above it here too.

Once about 10 years ago I tried hypnotherapy to give up smoking and I didn't think I was ever actually in a trance state and I wanted a cigarette the moment I left the place!  But I didn't really want to give up smoking and I really do want to change my diet and exercise attitudes.  I really do want to value myself more and think I am worth it.  I'd really like to have a positive outcome.

So here goes.  Wish me luck!

Just in case anyone out there is having the same problem I am here is a gift for you!

Am a I contrarian or just weird?

I'm having a quiet day at home today; playing on the computer and waiting for some packages to be delivered.  It means that I am engaging in more discussions in the various Facebook groups of which I am a member and over and over I find myself taking a position different from the majority of other respondents.

Here's an example - A woman asked advice regarding a person she was dating who texted that she might be going to prison... this in the US...  Comment after comment said "RUN" and I agree that will probably be the most appropriate course of action but I just can't help writing about how harsh the justice system can be in the US, and that there may be extenuating circumstances, and that everyone would have responded differently if the post had come from the woman who might be going to prison, in the form of something like "I might have to go to prison soon because on top of having made some bad mistakes when I was a kid I also got caught shoplifting at Walmart last year when I lost my job and had no money for food for the kids."   I really struggle with blanket assumptions and snap judgments... in fact I struggle with judgments in most forms.  I just think things aren't black and white and that the shades of grey really deserve our attention too.  I can't get away from the idea that there but for the grace of Herbert go I.  Who hasn't done stupid things and had a lucky escape?  I know I have.  I think I have written before about stones and the sayings about people in glass houses and also people without sin...

I have never, in my life, felt like I fitted in anywhere.  Just briefly in the mid to late 80's when I had a fairly good collection of lesbian friends I thought maybe I had found my place but over time it dawned on me that a shared sexual orientation is NOT sufficient reason to be friends.  At school I was tormented in spite of my greatest efforts to fit in and be like the girls around me.  I was emotionally and physically attacked repeatedly without fighting back.  My mother subscribed to the theory that you "Never let them know they have hurt you.  Don't give them the satisfaction." and I tried very hard to live by that advice but I am not made of the same stern stuff as my mother, I'm just too easily wounded.  Ultimately I realized that my mother was wrong because when the girls saw that they had hurt me they backed off.  I even had a very strange experience where I overheard one of my tormentors, who had been picked on that day, asking a teacher "Why can't I be more like Displaced, she never lets them hurt her?"  It was a surreal experience sitting silent in a toilet cubicle while this girl cried to our teacher.  She never knew I overheard that and she never knew just how much their taunts and jabs had hurt me.  My school days were spent with an odd collection of other misfits who were not like me but who also wanted to have friends even though we shared little except our exclusion from the other cliques.  It wasn't until the last year or so of school that I became friends with "The Best Friend" and started to gain a little acceptance from the maturing "popular girls".  TexLOML was there then and used to say that one of the things she liked about me is that I was "quirky".  Of course I didn't know that until we got together.

I'm not a "girly girl" and I don't fit really well with women who are straight...  I'm not really butch or femme and I struggle with fitting in with lesbians...  Men seem a little distant, I'm not femmy enough for most gay men and I'm a bit challenging for most straight men.  I'm, as I said in a recent Facebook post, a butch handy princess.

This island, where I live, has been described as the place where people who can't deal with the real world come.  That is a harsh and broad description (though there are a lot of people here with mental health issues - of whom, in the broadest sense, I am one).  I would prefer to say that it is a colony made up of a larger percentage of odds and sods than most places.  This means it is a bit of an echo of my group of misfit friends from school.  The people here are mostly accepting of difference, and friendly, but that only goes so far and really being part of any of the circles takes a LONG time!

I think everyone likes to think they are unique and different.  I can look at the most "ordinary" or "normal" person and they themselves will say that they are "crazy" or "odd".  Maybe it is just part of the human condition to see our own eccentricity and individualism as bizarre or extraordinary?  Maybe in this way I am EXACTLY like the other lemmings?  Yet still I never fit.  I don't even fit in with my family!  I don't know whether there is anything to be said for star signs or not but I do know that I find Sagittarians wonderful and scary and that I have been surrounded by them all my life...  My mother, one brother, my step-mother and step-sister, my sister-in-law, The Boy's father, my grand-father... this in a very small family!  They have cropped up with monotonous regularity in my friendships and even once as a lover.  The Boy is a Leo which is not very different.  My family is full of charming, tactless, people who stomp unwittingly all over my poor, vulnerable, little Cancer heart.  I know that my lesson in life is something that I need to learn from the Sags otherwise why would so many be in my path?

This is probably all on my mind because I have been a little lonely lately.  Not much has been happening in my social life while others are "so busy!" including TexLOML.  She and I are back on good terms (thank Herbert) but she's still not ready for us to hang out together or for me to be included in her social engagements.  Since Mah Jong on Wednesday night I have been home alone every evening (it is now Monday).  I don't mind my own company but it isn't good for me to have too much time hiding in my cave (with the air-con on costing a fortune I bet!).  I have really put it out there that I want to be more social and there isn't much else I can do short of approaching strangers and asking if they want to have a drink with me LOL.  I don't work so the impact of all this solitude is amplified.  I am thinking I might do some volunteer work...  I just need to think about that idea for a bit longer before I will move on it.  Another reason this might be exaggerated is that I have pretty much furnished the house and also run out of money so I am not getting that shopping therapy I was accessing for a few weeks.

Back to the initial point...  I'm really not sure why I have to clang a note so different from the herd...  It might have something to do with not being very black and white about things.  I always see so many simultaneous sides to every issue... It must make me look wishy washy but I'm not really indecisive or vague...  I just always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Except right wing politicians, religious extremists, and corporate rapists they get no leeway!

Who's looking at the moon?

Well, I haven't blogged for a few days for a couple of reasons; firstly because some of the things I said in an earlier blog upset TexLOML and so I needed to make an apology and a retraction; and secondly because I have been busier than a one legged bloke in an arse kicking competition! Wednesday was the day I got the keys for the new place and I tried to get the bulk of the moving done then with the much appreciated assistance of TexLOML's younger son (he's a bloody good kid!). I only had him after school so I was packing and moving smaller things until he got home. It was VERY sad and I was extremely upset. Aside from the projectile sweating I have developed since my hysterectomy a few months ago I was also leaking copious quantities of salty fluid from my eyes that day. None of this was helped by having woken up that morning with a cold (to add to the nausea I've been having for the last few weeks from some new meds.) All in all I was a leaking, damp, sweaty mess! (Am I turning you on yet? LOL). Thursday was more of the same with the added pleasure of screaming muscles and the subtracted dampness of buckets of tears.

On Friday morning I just couldn't do it any more. I had made a commitment to TexLOML's cousin (she and her husband are two of my favourite people on the island) to film her working with her new guide dog. An early rise was required (to get it done before it got too hot), and that accomplished, they took me out to breakfast. I had gorgeous Eggs Benedict but unfortunately couldn't keep it down so it was followed by an hour or so of wretched vomiting and another couple of hours of queasy. Oh my Herbert I hate being queasy!!! I felt so blah I popped into the medical centre and saw The Nurse. This was great because I had been having pity party paranoia that she wasn't going to be my friend any more and though we barely brushed anything personal I did feel reassured. It was also great cause she gave me something to relieve the nausea. I took it easy for the rest of Friday and even went to a friend's place to have a bath. It was glorious!!! She gave me some coconut bath salts that left me smelling like a pina colada! Thanks mate – if you're reading this!

That night was another friend's 40^th birthday and there was a big “Drag Queen” party. Though I had considered frocking up for the occasion I ended up going as The Man In Black – Johnny Cash. Black jeans, black boots with silver studded boot keepers, big silver belt buckle, black silk shirt and a black leather vest. I had my black cowboy hat on but it was too damn hot so I left it in the truck. Unfortunately I don't have anywhere to leave Frizby at the moment. She had only been in the new house two nights, has been very confused and anxious because of all our recent moves, and her separation anxiety is galloping faster than Fiorente (the Melbourne Cup Winner). If I am in the shower she is on the bathmat, if I am in the toilet she is at my feet, she never ventures far from my side at the moment (if there was a seagull to chase she might manage to stretch the umbilical cord!) TexLOML has asked me not to leave her at her house any more so my choices are zip for the time being. I thought I would take her to the party and leave her in the truck but she cried and barked too much and so she ended up sitting at my feet on the outskirts of the party. I wasn't feeling all that good (just for a bloody change) and so I was very content to sit in the back blocks with Frizz and watch the weird sights parade past :) Although I left early it was a terrific party and I'm glad I got to be there for a while.

So today, still feeling like warmed over death, I set about editing the videos I had made the day before and then popped them off to cuz and her hubby. Frizzy was great with their guide dog (finally a dominant bitch who puts Frizzle right in her place without eating her) so that was a nice visit. Then I did some shopping and came home for a rest. One of the things I bought was a mop and so when I had cooled down in the cave (that is my front bedroom with the curtains drawn and the air con on) I tackled mopping the living room and wiping down the new dining chairs. Oh boy it really hadn't cooled down much and in no time I was wetter than the mop. Then after dinner, and a break, I took the Frizz to the beach for a walk right after dusk... hooley dooley what a moon! This kind of evening, this kind of sight, is what makes 'tropical paradise' paradise. The sea breeze was gentle and cool and the moon was glistening across the water like a carpet of lustrous pearls. Frizby was happy to be free and dashed away from me and back again over and over working off some energy and I felt a peace that has been absent for a while.

I nicked the pic but it does the trick.

I don't think people in my past have believed me when I told them I would love them forever. But I still do love them. Even some disastrous relationships with abusive or litigious partners were not without their redeeming features. There are things you love about a person and I don't really understand how that goes away. I know the 'in love' part goes, I know that anger can bury or conceal the 'love' part, but there is no one I have loved who didn't have lovable qualities. That sense just doesn't turn off for me. So I wondered where people were and who might also be looking at that glorious moon and I thought how very wonderful Herbert is for making such a thing ours for eternity. It's funny, a bit like love, my seeing and loving the moon doesn't take anything away from anyone else seeing it too – it's enforced sharing – it belongs to everyone and to no one – it is immeasurably valuable. We spend our lives looking for control but the moon is something that controls us... Our watery substance shifts with it like the tides and our souls are nourished by its glow. Frizz ran like a lunatic (by etymology, one affected by the moon) and I strolled like the typical little cancer moon child that I am.

More cleaning and sorting tomorrow and then more moving again on Monday!

I am getting there …. wherever 'there' is...

On the eve...

Well today is the 12th of November and as such it is a multi anniversary.

It is the anniversary of the first day TexLOML and I reconnected after 31 years of no contact and that day 2 years ago was the beginning of my current adventure.

It is also the 1 month anniversary of the day TexLOML asked me to leave.

Furthermore it is the day before I move into my new unit.

Tomorrow I pick up the keys of the new place and start (probably finish) moving my stuff.  There isn't all that much although I have, in the last week, acquired a bed base and a bed frame, a so so mattress that I will probably put in the spare room, a coffee table, 8 dining room chairs and a washing machine - grand total of expenditure $200.  Not bad eh?  I went over today and signed all the papers except the final lease and in the morning I pick up the keys.

Today I also dragged my 'project boat' down to the main street and put a "For Sale" sign on it and believe it or not it sold within 2 hours.  It isn't much but it is more than I paid for it (unless I count the barge charges to bring it to the island and the diesel for the drive to get it in which case I have lost about $100).  I am also considering selling my 8 hp auxiliary motor but I am less sure of that.  I might still want to get a dinghy and put that motor on it.

I tried to explain to Frizby that it is our last night in this house and that when we move tomorrow THAT will be it (at least for 6 months)... I'm not sure she understands in spite of her sincere and adoring gaze, into my eyes, as I spoke.

Today is also TexLOML's birthday and I called her early this morning (when she should have been up getting ready for work) and sang "Happy Birthday" into the answering machine... there has been no response.  My steady, dependable, friend, who owns the place where I have been staying for the last week has taken off camping so I spent the evening alone wondering what TexLOML and all of "our" friends were doing tonight.  A stupid, wasteful use of my mental attention.  I can't say the tune to "Eleanor Rigby" hasn't run through my head a time or two.

I've arranged for TexLOML's son to help me carry the few things that are heavy tomorrow afternoon and although I am ok with it running to a second day I think I can probably move nearly everything tomorrow.  I tried to get another helper to lend some muscle but to no avail - maybe her son can rustle up a mate for half an hour?

I feel strange; excited and uncomfortable, fearful and liberated, positive and alarmed...  It strikes me that over the last month I have repeatedly developed a comfort zone only to have to leave it and face the unknown again.  In truth that has been the nature of my life for the last 9 years with an off-kilter acceleration five years ago when my mum died.  I have run from false "safe haven" to false "safe haven" without finding any security.  Here I am finally facing the simple fact that the only person I can depend upon is myself.  I'm not sure if you have any idea how terrifying this idea is to me.  I can't say I have hit rock bottom because I still had a roof over my head, I may have been packing and repacking, over and over, but I haven't been sleeping on the beach or in my car.  I wonder if my health will improve with this transition?  I wonder if self-determination impacts significantly on stress and ergo health?

Well I have had a few glasses of wine and taken my nightly meds and I think it's time to retire to a book and hope that someone else's world can capture my attention.

I would love to hear you thoughts!

MAJOR EDIT/ RETRACTION Good with the bad

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT THIS BLOG CAST TexLOML IN AN UNFAIR AND BAD LIGHT SO I AM MAKING SOME CORRECTIONS... PLEASE READ CAPS AS NEW INFO.

It's a beautiful Saturday morning here in the tropics and I thought I might take this opportunity to update my blog!

Though Garrison Keillor would say “It was a quiet week in Lake Woebegon” I would say it has been an interesting week in paradise. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Actually my mother always said it's an ill wind that doesn't blow some good so I will start with something that has been both good and bad. I missed out on the unit I had chosen to apply for first. I needed them to accept $10 per week less in rent and they refused. The up side of this is that it set me free to make a confirmed decision that I would take the other one. So now I have a place to move into next Wednesday and I can begin (and have begun) my path towards making my home the way I want it to be.

The unit is large and cool and made of concrete blocks that feel safe in this tropical cyclone prone area. It has a big kitchen that actually has all the things one would expect to find in a real kitchen – like a stove, a sink and cupboards. 

The kitchen from the dining space.

Across living towards kitchen window

 This sounds basic but to be honest I have looked at many places that lack complete proper kitchens. Since this decision has been made I have acquired 8 second hand dining room chairs (from a garage sale) and a set of crockery and a quilt cover from a thrift shop.

The chairs look a bit like this are are really comfy!

The process of nesting has begun!

The bad news is that TexLOML and I had another disagreement – this time via text. I had to move from one place (where the owner was coming home from overseas) and being that the new place is not ready yet I needed to stay somewhere else for a week. It is my great good fortune (good news inside the bad) that I have a steady, dependable, caring friend who will not turn me away – the difficult part is that she has a cat and the Frizz is NOT good with pushy cats. So I sent TexLOML a text asking if I could stay the week at her house in the spare room and use the week to pack my stuff and she said no...  I asked, then, if Frizby could stay with TexLOML for the week and she said no (IN ACTUAL FACT SHE EXPRESSED A DESIRE NOT TO HAVE FRIZZY BUT DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAY "no" SHE PARTICULARLY ASKED THAT I TRY HAVING FRIZZY AT THE OTHER PLACE AND IF IT DIDN'T WORK WE COULD RECONSIDER)... Time for another suggestion … How about TexLOML stays with a friend and I stay at her house, pack and take care of both the dogs (this is what I did when I broke up with a girlfriend who needed to move out of my home many years ago – I stayed with my mum while she moved out)... No TexLOML is not going to stay anywhere else.  (TexLOML FOUND THIS SUGGESTION EXTREME AND UNREASONABLE - MY THEORY AT THE TIME WAS THAT IT MIGHT MAKE HER RECONSIDER ONE OF THE FIRST TWO SUGGESTIONS.)  At this point I was becoming quite upset and feeling angry that she won't take even a single step out of her way to make this easier for me so I discontinued the conversation. More good news amongst the bad is that a friend happened to be there just after this occurred and talked me through the emotions. She wisely said that pushing harder could only cause a major rift. This very definitely helped me to calm down and begin the process of letting go of my hurt and anger. There is just nothing to be achieved by fighting with TexLOML, no one would win (certainly not me) and as she pointed out in our last altercation this is a small island. – Too busy to dwell on my injured little feelings I needed to find a way to make staying with my cat owning friend acceptable.  (HERE I PROBABLY MISREPRESENTED AS THERE WAS A PLAN ALREADY SUGGESTED BY MY FRIEND THE POINT I WAS MAKING IS THAT HER PLAN WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME AS IT INVOLVED CARRYING MY LITTLE NUGGET  UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS TO AND FROM MY ROOM)  This we have done with a baby gate and my agreement that Frizzle will only be carried upstairs to the bedroom and won't invade the cat's space. So no thanks to TexLOML I do still have a roof over my head for this week.  (THIS STATEMENT IS INFLAMMATORY AND CAME FROM MY PLACE OF HURT AND ANGER AS THERE NEVER REALLY WAS A CHANCE THAT I DIDN'T HAVE SOMEWHERE TO STAY.)

More bad is that I haven't been able to sleep lately and anyone with FMS knows that lack of sleep contributes to a rather unpleasant cycle that results in nasty flare ups. I can't sleep → Increased anxiety and fatigue → Increased pain → Harder to sleep etc etc ad infinitum. So yesterday after three nights with less than 3 hours sleep I had to get up early to go across on the ferry to the mainland to see the Dept of Housing. Good news in the bad is that the appointment was less than an hour. Bad news again is that I had to stay all day in town (with nowhere to go and have a rest) because I was going to a function in town last night. I proceeded to spend the bulk of the day in furniture shops testing beds!!! I got to be horizontal (a desperate need for my body) and to exercise as well with all the sit-ups I did moving from one bed to another! I wasn't totally wasting the time of the sales staff because I do need to buy a new bed and I'm pretty certain that it is something I am going to make a significant investment in because I spend a LOT of time in bed.

The good news – I went to the function last night – it was a Trivia Night to raise money for the local Conservation Council and therefore was packed with wonderful, left/green minded people, some of whom I had met before and many of whom could be future friends for me. I sat at a table with four women I knew slightly and one I had just met and we had a great time! At one point I told the table that I had found a new place and when I told them which street it is on the couple I was sitting with exclaimed that they live in the same street. My steady cat-owning friend has also mentioned that there is a woman who lives in that street that she thinks I might get on with also so it might just be that I am heading into the perfect property!

More good news is that – through sheer exhaustion I had about 6 hours sleep last night and though I am far from refreshed it was a blessing from Herbert. Up early this morning and off to the garage sale where I bought the chairs.

There you go – progress is wonderful.

Just a small footnote – I had a comment on my last blog from a stranger on the other side of the world and she told me that my earlier blogs had helped her through the early stages of her illness. I went looking for a quote to express how that made me feel and was unable to find one so I made one up.

“Hearing I made a difference to you has made an enormous difference to me.”

Is she is or is she an't my baby? - SHE AIN'T!

Two and a half weeks ago, precisely one month before our two year anniversary, TLOML decided that I am definitely not TLOHL .. unfortunately.  There was no fight or drama... she just isn't feeling it any more.

She asked me to move out ASAP and I did nine days later.  Her house is still housing most of my clothes and possessions as I live out of a backpack, couch-surfing, until I can arrange something more permanent.  I am still on the island.  Paradise looks different though.

There are a few things I need to thank Herbert for... (to anyone uninitiated Herbert is my name for the universal presence that might or might not be a god or energy or goddess etc)

1. I live in Australia where, by and large, people are not allowed to starve on the streets
2. My doctor had put me on a new anti-depressant, only two weeks before, that was having a positive effect.
3. I have the pooch Frizby to make me get up in the morning.
4. I have The Boy to make me bother staying alive (literally)
5. The TexLOML and I are still civil, and caring (mostly), and talking to each other.
6. Support has come from surprising places (well place really) and I appreciate it very much.

I'm in a sticky spot.  A sticky spot that is not the fault of TexLOML primarily because it is the same sticky spot I was in two years ago when she popped into my universe.  I'm broke, crook (that means sick for any non-aussies out there), and I have few friends and no supportive family.  I'm currently (in spite of the anti-depressant) somewhat prone to little pity parties of feeling unloved and unlovable where, quite frankly, I get terrified (I mean terrified - anxiety, panic etc) of turning into Eleanor Rigby.

Yesterday was a bad day and I got a little down last night because I have to move before I can get permanent accommodation arranged (which I hope happens within the next week or 10 days).  It is an unwanted inconvenience and while I am grateful to the person who has let me stay where I am, and I am intellectually very understanding of the reasoning, emotionally it feels like I am being kicked again when I am down.  I am also grateful that I have another place where I can stay in the mean time.

So this morning I sucked it up and decided that I needed to get more proactive about the accommodation situation (though I have been on it almost continuously) so I went out to check out places.  There are two that appeal to me... they are both more money than I can really afford.  The first one for $210 per week is very nice, spacious, has two bedrooms (I only need and want one but there are no one bedroom places available) has a little backyard for Frizzle, is available immediately and the agent is friendly and favourably disposed to getting me into the property.  The other is located closer to TexLOML and other people I know and hope to stay friends with, has two smallish bedrooms and a lovely outlook, has a pool AND a bathtub (a premium item in my world) BUT it is $230 pw, does not feel as solid, clean or ready as the other one.  Also the agent is not quite as helpful and friendly.  This put me into a bit of a spin where I was really wanting to make a choice between the two places... so where does Eleanor Rigby go to talk over the pros and cons of a situation like this???  Straight to TexLOML of course - who else gives a shit?  I showed her both of the places and she could see the pros and cons of each and then our conversation sidetracked into another area. 

I was thinking that maybe over Christmas I would take a road trip down to where my brother lives and pick up the rest of my stuff (that has been stored there since I moved to the US in Feb 2000) suddenly TexLOML starts telling me that she thinks I should "wait and make sure you want to stay here before spending the money to get your stuff", "you never know how you might feel", "what if we can't have a friendly separation after all?", "some people have told me they think you should leave the island, it's too small for ex's"...  I say stuff like - If I am going to rent a place and take a lease for 6 or 12 months I need to be prepared to back that commitment - I want all my things in one place finally!  Aside from the cost, one of the reasons I have never gone to get my stuff is that I always felt insecure at TexLOML's house... I suppose I always knew she would pull the pin one day.  The thing that has been driving me to try and find a place is the desire and intent to make my own security because I have been fundamentally homeless since December 2009 when I moved to Oregon.  I have been itinerant and I hate it!  I think everything is worse for me because of the anxiety my lack of home has created.  

Here I am trying to fight the boogie man and take control of my life and it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me again.  It kind of feels like being kicked out of the house again but this time I am being kicked out of the island (this is an extreme and not true interpretation that is emotional and not intellectual).

Here are my choices - 

I can move to Sydney where at best I could find some share accommodation (maybe) where I would be near'ish to The Boy and The Best Friend.

I can move back to the place a half days drive north of Sydney where I have some old friends and where both my brothers live.

I can stay here on this island.

I can go somewhere where I know no one.

I really can't afford to live in Sydney.  My brother's, much as I love them both, are relationships fraught with unmet expectations and disappointment.  I don't want to go where I know no one because I don't want to be Eleanor Rigby.  So I figured work on my relationships here and stick it out and hope that TexLOML and The Nurse continue to be friendly with me and maybe I can make my own little life here.

I feel so beaten tonight.  I feel like a sad, lonely, middle aged, useless woman.  I should have a giant Laverne style "L" tattooed to my forehead.

If you are reading this, thanks - I'm sorry I don't read and comment more on the blogs of others, I'm sorry I don't blog more often about interesting and uplifting things...  I'm just sorry.

The fundamental conundrum of broad mindedness

Today on Facebook I saw this photo and caption...

I shared it with the note... "OMG how true is this?"

It got me thinking about how much damage is done by narrow-minded, bigoted people because broad-minded people are broad-minded.

Let me clarify - Commentators like Rush Limbaugh, Alan Jones (here in Australia) and all the other ranting conservatives can whip their audience into a rage of righteous indignation on almost any subject.  They can (like the nit wit pictured above) ride the single issue with evangelical passion and seemingly almost without opposition.  This is allowed to happen because those of us who take a more balanced and easy-going attitude to the world at large THINK TOO MUCH and RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS TOO MUCH to create a frenzy of passionate zeal.  We are too liberal (definitely small "l") to deny these bigots their right to an opinion in spite of the fact that they want to deny us all kinds of rights.

There is a reason that left wing talk-back radio hosts don't really get the ratings... it is because everything they say MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE!  Tony-bloody-Abbott can ride the "Carbon Tax Is the Work of the Devil" horse right through to the elections in September without having to propose any real policies or alternatives.  The good government we have been enjoying from Julia Gillard is just too calm and steady to stir the electorate into action.  Why can't people realize that we have a steady ship, when the rest of the world is still struggling to come out of the GFC, simply because of good government?

Thank Herbert that Obama managed to get reelected as it is the only thing giving me hope at the moment.

The zealots have cornered the market on passion and it is IMPERATIVE that level, open-minded people find theirs!

While I am in a praying mood I need to thank Herbert for Rachel Maddow, Bill Maher and Jon Stewart too and ask if someone like that, someone more enigmatic than Charlie Pickering, could emerge in Australia - soon please!

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes - Turn and face the strain...

Moving right along...

Last night TLOML and I cooked a roast and it proved to be my first major slip.  How oh how could I resist baked potatoes???  For Herbert's sake I am only human!

I cooked masses of pumpkin and sweet potato (allowed), zucchini, broccoli, and the most delicious piece of tender lean beef, seasoned with salt, pepper and oregano.... (drooling all over again now).  I slipped in three little ways...

1.  I had a huge serving having waited too long for the dinner to be ready
2.  I had three tiny pieces of potato
3.  I followed up with a generous dollop of flavoured yoghurt

My taste buds were in heaven.

The worst thing was probably the yoghurt because it has way too much sugar and that is the villain I have worked hardest to avoid.  I guess to be honest I have not cut out as much sugar as I should have...  Tropical fruits are in season here and I have eaten several mangoes, two pears, quite a lot of watermelon, and one red papaya.  I have also had flavoured yoghurt maybe four times in the last two and a half weeks.

TLOML has been very encouraging and has been carrying on about how good I have been and I know I have done pretty well but I still think I need to be more aggressive about losing the sugar.

Here is an interesting note...  I seem to be having less bouts of severe pain.  Now I wasn't looking for this and to be honest it is always variable and sometimes I do go a while with only the lower level baseline pain but I think this is starting to appear significant.  I will say that I have been easier on my body than I was in the months leading up to this situation because it is so bloody hot I have not been doing any projects outside (having finished replacing all the stair treads into the house - all 16 of them! - in the 6 weeks before TLOML's birthday in mid November).  But I am going to aqua aerobics twice a week and last time I went to aqua I was spending a couple of days recovering from each session.  I hope this is not just a normal fluctuation and that it proves to be a significant improvement but I won't shout it from the rooftops just yet.  Still here's hoping!

TLOML is working her last days this week before breaking up for the summer holidays.  Her summer plans are still up in the air (waiting for someone else to make a decision) and so, therefore, are mine.  I don't think I will be going to Sydney.  The Boy is working lots over the summer so he is too busy to hang out with and much as I would LOVE to see all my friends it is a big expense when The Boy is not available.  I will probably just stay home and swelter quietly with our beloved dogs.  Maybe if TLOML ends up staying here too we will get away to the tablelands for a few days at some point and cool down.  I certainly have enough university work due at the end of January to keep me busy!

I know in the grand scheme of things if I make this dietary regimen a lifestyle (and I think I probably will) then a few cheats now and then are not only fine but are necessary.  This first 30 days though, I really need to stay hyper-focused and try to be perfect so that I can really make a difference to my blood readings.

I think I can ... I think I can... I know I can!

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Well yesterday was the one year anniversary of the last time I had a cigarette and it was the easiest quit ever.    I have come to realize that I am actually in control of things like smoking - I can stop quite easily with minimal pain (nicotine gum for a couple of days) and easy to manage cravings.  It just isn't that hard!

I'm trying to apply the same mindset to my dietary lifestyle change.  I'm trying not to say I am on a "diet" and to invoke the phrase "going primal" instead and strangely it is harder to change the way I talk about what is happening than it is to change the foods I am eating...  Maybe because I need to think in advance about foods and the words just pop out uninvited... I'm not sure...

Looking around online for more info on the Paleo Diet I came across a series of reports from a San Francisco TV Health Watch program.  The TV doctor was going paleo and followed a diet prescribed by the research team at UCSF and the documentary clips are so interested I thought I should post them here... about half way down this page there are five links under the video clip - I think they are really worth a look.

I'm doing pretty well with going primal...  yesterday I made a huge pot of Italian style vegetable stew stuff...  

two onions chopped and softened by frying in a teaspoon of olive oil

two tins of tomatoes with no added preservatives or sugar

about twenty pitted kalamata olives

a generous sprinkle of Italian herbs and black pepper

about a tablespoon of garlic

a teaspoon of ginger

a teaspoon of chili

two carrots

six medium zucchini

one medium sweet potato

a quarter of a small pumpkin (skinned)

one large eggplant

about a cup and a half of red wine

any other vegetables you feel like adding.

It was super yummy - I ate a bowl and a half with just a little shaved Parmesan sprinkled on top.  Then I stir fried some lean kangaroo meat that had marinated in red wine and garlic (which I think could have been better if cooked on the BBQ). 

The tomato stuff made enough for maybe three meals for TLOML and I.  We ate as much as we wanted, then froze half of what was left and kept the other half fresh for eating today and tomorrow.

Not bad huh?  This is the Italian version of my standard one pot vegetable thingy...  I have an Asian style version and an Indian style version but they are all basically the same with different spices and flavours.  

Probably none of this sounds too amazing but seriously I didn't cook anything until this year really... except to run the BBQ grill and to grab processed food from the fridge I had nothing to do with food production until moving in with TLOML.  Now I cook heaps and we reheat my cooking on most of the other nights!

As an aside it is anniversary season for me...  in about a week and a half TLOML and I celebrate our first anniversary.  I have already bought a few little gifts online and have been having the fun of seeing them arrive almost daily.  I doubt TLOML will do anything much but that's fine.  I have the leisure and pleasure of shopping and choosing things while she is at work.

Do check out the video it really is enlightening...  There is another story about the study, two groups of diabetics were given diets for two weeks - one group was given the diet recommended by the Diabetes Association (the Mediterranean Diet) and the other group went Paleo -- the first group showed no significant changes while the Paleo group saw lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, lower blood sugar and lower triglycerides.  It even surprised the researchers what could happen in two weeks!  I hope my version of this diet does the same for me when I go in for my 30 day blood tests!

Day 7 since D Diagnosis Day & Diet

Well this time last week I got the dreaded news and I must say I have been quite proactive throughout this week.

I have joined an online health and diet tracking community at www.sparkpeople.com that allows me to input everything I eat and any exercise I do... it also tracks my weight loss (assuming I have any) and if and when I start measuring my blood sugar it can track that too.  I'm using the site to try and keep my interest level high and my focus intense.

On Friday night we went out for drinks that turned into dinner with TLOML's workmates.  Her boss (who is wonderful) was permanently confirmed into the position and it was truly cause for celebration.  I confined my drinking to Gin and Tonic (low sugar and low carbs) and though it still has calories it is better than wine or beer.  Then I managed to choose a meal from the menu where the only thing that was not Paleo approved was the mashed potato and I only had about half a cup.

Yesterday we went across to the mainland and saw the new James Bond movie Skyfall ... it was very good (if you like that sort of thing which I don't really)... we had lunch at the local Leagues club and I ordered a Gluten Free Option Kangaroo Salad made with lots of greens and lean kangaroo loin.  It was bloody delicious!!!  I should have taken a picture.  The waitress might not last long (but then again it was the Leagues club) because she put it on the table and promptly told me that she couldn't cope with eating Skippy...  Hmmmm... not the best marketing move LOL.  Kangaroo is a great option for any red meat eater who is dieting... it is tasty and lean and high in omega 3's, antioxidants etc (check out this link if you want some info)  Anyway I had a lovely lunch accompanied by ice water with a slice of lemon (free is me!) and didn't harm my diet in any way!

So things are going well... no spectacular weight loss... but to be honest that is not my focus anyway even though I could do to lose a few pounds my real intention is to change my blood sugar readings.

I really appreciate the comments and the support it is wonderful to know people are reading this and thinking about me even if only for a few minutes.

My thanks to you!

Is it day two or day three?

Well early days either way...

I just wanted to quickly touch base and let you know that I am doing ok so far.  I have NOT yet managed to get a Paleo breakfast and have had cereal two mornings in a row but the rest of it is going well.  The grocery order arrives this afternoon so I will have more choices then!

FibroFacioGal (my old mate whose blog is really worth a read) commented on my blog and asked what I'm going to do with myself and my new found education once I finish this Masters.  I'm not sure everyone knows but I have been doing a Masters of Conflict and Dispute Resolution and I should be finished early in the new year.  This very question is the fuel of much intense self-examination and thought.  My Professor at the uni is trying to persuade me to do a PhD and has a study plan all worked out for me.  She has given me some work as a Research Assistant (which I can do at home, in bed, lying down... nice work if you can get it eh?) and the project I am working on is a pilot... the Professor has suggested that when I am done with the Masters I could carry on with the extension of the pilot study we are working on at the moment and do a nation-wide study of the same issue.  It's pretty interesting stuff - we are researching conflict between graduate students and their PhD supervisors.  Quite possibly I could get a scholarship and some research funding to continue this study and the Professor would help me get it all up and running.

As part of my course I have done what I need to do to become accredited as a Mediator and as a Conflict Coach so if I were going to go back into the mainstream workforce I would probably be looking for something in one of those areas... apparently Family Mediation is a growth area and I only need another course or two to get accredited in that too.  As things stand at the moment I am not really fit enough to return  full-time to the workforce and I already have some part-time work so I am pretty happy with where that all is for now.  Strangely the recuperative effects of not working make me feel almost well enough to work but time and again I find that when I take on a project here at home it knocks me back down again so much that for every hour I spend doing something I need three hours of resting to recover and I'm likely to feel lousy for a day or two!

I just had a call from The Boy who is working and taking care of himself; he's doing pretty damn well for a nineteen year old!  We had a nice long chat.  The shopping order arrived with all my new veggies and stuff - I unpacked as much as I could before pooping out.  Off to pick up TLOML from her work in about half an hour... Life goes on... with or without the diet...

The view from the bottom of the valley...

Well it has been ages since I wrote a blog and there are a number of reasons why... I guess, in part, I didn't think I had anything to say or anything anyone else would find interesting...  I have been doing OK with University and I'm in the home stretch for the Masters...  Health wise I have been kind of bouncing along... not great... not terrible...  I appear to have entered menopause and for the past few months I have felt like I'm permanently experiencing severe PMS...  I've been pretty grouchy, very snappy and a bit paranoid...  I described myself to a friend today and told her that TLOML doesn't seem all that into me at the moment and she said (rightly) "Who would be into that?'

Well I thought I would start blogging again because yesterday I got some not great news and today I have begun the first part of a journey designed to turn my health around... (at least as much as possible).

Yesterday I got the results of a Glucose Tolerance test and it is the first test I have flunked since high school! My baseline fasting glucose was 7.2 (130 for my North American friends), then I drank the sugar drink and 60 minutes later it was 14.3 (258) and after another hour (120 minutes total) it was 13.5 (243)...  The doctor (who I have never named but she took over after Dr McSincere left) said she doesn't think it will be able to be controlled by diet but she wants to give me a month to try and get the levels down and then she will repeat the test (lucky me it cost five needles getting the test done the first time).

So here's the challenge... I am going to start a Primal/Paleo diet.  Taking sugar and grains out of my diet will not be easy but the alternative is most unattractive.

So here goes...  Today, without knowing it, I did the wrong thing by having some cereal for breakfast... no more cereal...  lunch was a hearty ham and eggs which, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, is apparently one of the best things I can eat...  dinner is on the stove chicken, brussel sprouts, broccoli, sweet potato, red cabbage, onion, garlic, chili, ginger, with a dash of wine (not much I promise).  I have ordered Krill Oil and will start that on Thursday.

Well I intend to find a site online to track my progress...  I have a friend in the US who has cured her own diabetes readings with this diet and she is going to coach me online...  I'm going to weigh myself but I'm not sure I am going to share that with you lot...

Wish me luck, I have not really done much with dieting in the past... I did the juice diet for most of a week last year...  I spent a few months on a low fat diet back in the mid 90's...  Still I never had as much motivation as I have right now - today!

Ugly Boats and Ugly Houses

I remember once one of my ex-girlfriends was having a tantrum and picked up a heavy paperweight and made as if to throw it into the leaded glass window on the built-in-buffet...  "Don't!"  I screamed, "Tell me why I shouldn't?" she yelled back, red faced and with flaming eyes....  "Because it's beautiful." I replied.  She calmed down, lowered her throwing arm (which I can assure you was deadly accurate and powerful when used!) and said "Yes.  It is.".  Beauty managed to save itself from destruction in that case.

Another time when I was a Realtor I was working with a young woman buyer and she had a list of very practical requirements of the home (she was an accountant) and she was very tight in the budget department...  I showed her a house that ticked all her boxes except having a garage door opener...  Unfortunately what the house did have was orange (yes I mean it) shag carpet wall to wall and on those walls  was the synthetic 'genuine imitation picture of wood' fake wood panels, the basement was full of dead appliances, the upstairs had that 50's colourful striped carpet... it was UGLY!!!  She said, "I can't buy it; it's too ugly" and I said "But it has everything you want, new roof, new furnace, updated plumbing, near the bus, nice area...." etc etc ... Of course I understood... it was UGLY!  A week or so later I heard from the agent who had that house listed asking me what my buyer thought... I told him it was probably the right house for her but that it was just too ugly... He said "Put it in writing, whatever you want, make us an offer; my seller is very handy and is keen to sell."  My buyer took some persuading; it was hard to get her to see what the house would look like with the carpet all removed and the floors all polished, the paneling taken down and the walls patched and painted beige, the giant woodburning stove removed from the middle of the dining room (you can't make this stuff up seriously), AND a garage door opener installed.  It was the longest list of requests addendum I have ever seen in real estate and nearly every one was accepted.  The day we inspected the house, after the work was done and before closing, my buyer was astounded (and so was I) it was the cutest little house with beautiful maple floors.  Several years later I saw that buyer at an event and she was still in love with her house.  Ugly just might not be permanent.

I've been shopping for a boat - now that I live in tropical paradise I may as well get out on the water and enjoy it...  I fell in love with the prettiest little runabout, but it doesn't have an electric tilt button and I don't think my body can handle lifting the engine.  It also only really has room for two people, the trailer was rusty and unregistered, it is a long way away...

In my imagination I want a boat like this one (it only costs about 20 times my budget!)

Then, for the same small budget, here locally, I found a bigger boat with an engine with tilt, rego on the boat and trailer (which is decent), all the safety gear, and plenty of room....   but OH MY GOD IT IS UGLY!  This thing has been hand painted (without the need of masking tape or a good eye, perhaps Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder worked on the paint job together?)  It has all the wires running down the side just hanging there, the bench seat across the front is a lump of timber, it is hideous!  But hey as I used to say to my real estate clients... "Paint's cheap!"

This weekend I am going over to town to go to Uni for a workshop...  I have arranged to check out the boat again on Saturday (after my course) and if it all checks out on Sunday I will take the truck over on the barge and pick up the boat...  I'm not sure if I want to call this boat 'The Silk Purse' or 'The Beast' but either way it will be quite the project cleaning it up.  Maybe I will blog about my progress (with pictures of the hideous thing)...

Pretty ugly huh?  I blotted out the guy and the number though...  (Actually it looks worse than this in person).

Perhaps I will paint flowers all over it like the old VW's from the 60's and 70's?  Maybe I will install a couple of banana lounges in the back of the cockpit?

Whatever way it goes it will be an adventure!

So unless something better presents in the next 24 hours I am buying the ugly boat on Sunday!

UPDATE: not 30 minutes after I posted this blog I was contacted by someone in response to my wanted ad - now the ugly boat has a competitor!  Two to see on the weekend!

Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Good News Monday!

I know I am an unforgivably slack blogger.  I ask for no forgiveness and I know my apologies are not nearly sufficient.

That said -- I have been BUSY!!!

Chronological order usually seems like the best way to relay a narrative account of events but not today I have news I am busting to share!

I just handed in an assignment to the University (one that I suspect is inferior in quality, unfortunately) and as I opened my uni email to send the assignment in I found several emails from the Director of the Master of Conflict and Dispute Resolution Program in which I am studying.  One was giving me a mark for the last subject I finished and I was STUNNED to discover that I had achieved a High Distinction on each of the components and therefore my first HD for a whole course!!!  Yippee was I completely surprised I thought my final assignment on that subject was  a load of tripe and onions.  I also had an email giving me a totaled mark for the subject I finished before that (in this case I got an HD for the major assignment but a Credit for an earlier piece of work gave me a Distinction average).  None of this is THE good news...

I also had an email from this professor advising me that she has received funding for a part time research assistant and asking IF I AM INTERESTED!!!!

Does the Pontiff wear a silly hat?
Is a duck's bum watertight?
Are polka dot bikinis itsy bitsy and teeny weeny?

Of course I am bloody interested!

I don't know too much yet - the project is looking at conflict between PhD Students and their Supervisors.  Both of the lecturers involved in the project know me and know that I have health issues and problems with endurance, they are both quite flexible, so I'm pretty sure they would be flexible and quite possibly some of the work would be able to be done remotely (coming to you live from my bedroom!).  Anyway, it's very exciting and here's hoping... it could be the inauspicious beginning of my academic career!

OK now to some newsy stuff...  at the end of June I celebrated my 50th birthday.  I had a lovely day with TLOML pottering around in town and shopping at the hardware shop (the Aussie version of Homo Depot). I can't really remember why we were there but we got some fairy lights for the party and a solar powered pair of spotlights that now light up the back yard on a movement sensor.  We had spent the week leading up to the birthday cleaning, sorting, tidying, decorating and generally finally moving me in.  The Nurse (whom I adore more every day) gave me, as my birthday present, 6 hours of her labour and came the day before my birthday and got so much done I was amazed!  I am returning the favour now by giving her some handy work on an as needed basis - already I think I will put in a new toilet roll holder and there is some other stuff she wants me to do.  A great idea cause we get to hang out together - get stuff done - save money - and make each other feel good -- Wins all around!

We had a lovely visit from The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter for a few days and a quite small party the day after my birthday.  One night while the visitors were here we went in the evening to a place called West Point to watch the sunset.  TLOML's ex (who I am just crazy about as I have said here before) came and brought his guitar and his mandolin, their son (Who would have thought I could find a kindred spirit in a 15 year old boy?) built a fire on the beach and I got absolutely sloshed and sang all evening.  It has been a LONG LONG time since I enjoyed something like that!  Here are a couple of pics...

It was the most wonderful evening.

I still miss The Boy and I wish he were closer - he is doing so well fending for himself (well almost he still has the watchful eye of The Best Friend not too far away thank Herbert!).  I feel a real sense of pride in him and I'm so impressed with how well he is approaching his work and his responsibilities.  One of the head honcho's at his work (big position about five levels of management above The Boy) singled him out to come in for a chat and talked about his goals and how he is enjoying his work.  There is even a strong possibility that he might get promoted into a supervisory role before the end of his traineeship.  I feel so incredibly fortunate in that area because Herbert knows I made more than my share of parental mistakes and still managed not to totally break him - by good luck not good management!  We Skype'd for a while the other day which is a pretty good substitute for being together.  He turns 19 in a couple of weeks... how the years have flown!

Things are going well with TLOML.  We hit an occasional bump but we seem to bounce back pretty well...  There is a lot of love and understanding between us... The dogs (our shared babies) are a constant source of joy, amusement and aggravation (that would be Frizby delivering that part) and we have to control ourselves from talking about them all the time when we are with other people.  I have also been twice to the produce store to acquire some new chooks (chickens) and today is the first time we have had TWO EGGS!!!  She calls me "The Chook Whisperer" when I sneek out at night to make sure the new chookies have not been excluded from the perch (I pick them up and put them on the perch for the night).

Pastoral, peaceful, pleasant, playful, pleasing and paradisical... (unfortunately still painful too, but c'est la vie).

I think island life agrees with me....

On the water

Riding across from the island this morning on the ferry I was struck (as I often am) with the beauty of the place where I live.  The sea was glistening, the air was crisp - but not cold - and the golden light of early morning revealed the gullies and crags of the surrounding landscape.  I sat on the upper deck- alone - and viewed the world as if I were a tourist.
This brought to mind the many times I have been a tourist on boats.  The ferry to Madeline Island off the northern coast of Wisconsin in my beloved Lake Superior - the car ferry to Bainbridge Island across Puget Sound from Seattle - sightseeing on Milford Sound in New Zealand - funny old rusty ships to the Greek Islands when I was a child and car ferries across the English Channel on the same trip - canal boats in Amsterdam - a cruise ship sailing into Cape Town - for that matter the first time I rode the ferry to Magnetic Island back in the mid 1980's when I was young, fit and invincible...  What beautiful sights I have seen from the water!
It is a long love affair, this relationship with the water...  I rode a ferry across Sydney Harbour to school for 7 years and I always loved it. The relaxation of a leisurely trip across the water releases the tensions of the day and creates a separation between home and the outside world.  This afternoon on the ferry I enjoyed a lively and cheerful conversation with a woman a barely know and another I have never been introduced to, as we pulled up to the wharf on the island I saw TLOML's ex, who always makes me smile, poking his tongue out out me because I had failed to see him sooner.  There is no one who could have mistaken the genuine pleasure that showed on my face when I saw him.  He is a wonderful guy and I really like him!  TLOML was there to pick me up in Shermie, with both the dogs wagging their tails and happy to see me.  We went right to the beach and walked for a while as the last of the daylight faded from the sky.  It's not bad living on an island in paradise, especially not when the rest of Australia is suffering through a chilly winter and I am warm on a beach in shirts-sleeves at dusk.
The ex of TLOML (P) brings me to another point...  Now I have never been a man hater, a separatist, or in any way anti-men (after all I do have a son!) but as a general rule, throughout my adult life, I have not really made friends with all that many men.  I have a very close friend in Minnesota, a gay guy I used to work with, but other than him most of my friends have always been women.  Here things are different.  In all my life I have never met so many men who I REALLY REALLY like!  This place is full of beautiful, gentle, men.  Three of my favourites have the same name (P) LOL and quite frankly there is another P, who I don't know very well, but who I really like too!  Up until moving here I would really have only counted The Best Friend's hubby, The Optimist, and The Actress's hubby, The Percussionist, among my favourite people - men were very poorly represented!  This is no longer the case.  Now I know that the rest of the good guys were hiding up here!
OK gang - Day Two is done - only one to go (of my stint over at the University)... I think I can... I think I can...  I know that the ride on the ferry adds time to my long and tiring days... but there is something else that it adds which more than makes up for the deficit...  It gives me a boost to the spirit and a lift to the heart.

But I am very glad to be home.