I'm scared shitless.
The things going on with my body are (at times) inconvenient, unpleasant, depressing, annoying and disabling... they are not terrifying though. I am not my ability to move fast or my ability to contort into pretzel -like positions, I'm not my ability to sit still or to walk long distances, I'm not my balance or my tactile sensitivity (well maybe I am that a bit) or the strength of my grip, I'm not my energy level (though I do mourn that one). Experiencing significant degeneration in these areas doesn't alter the core of 'me' it just makes everything harder.
For the past two years I have abjectly refused to even consider that I might have any kind of cognitive problems caused by Fibromyalgia. There is a symptom colloquially known as "Fibro Fog" which is present for many FMS diagnosed people. It manifests as forgetfulness, aphasia (the inability to remember words or communicate effectively), and a general inability to recall the things you are trying to recall. I have often made the point that experiencing constant pain creates a level of distraction that increases forgetfulness, as does stress, and I have blamed any deficit in myself on these factors.
Last night I could not remember a song that I have known all my life... I don't mean I couldn't remember the lyrics - I couldn't remember it at all, I had an aching annoying sensation of having it be on the tip of my tongue but out of reach. I remembered where and when I had sung it on stage. I knew when it was played at sporting events. I knew it was stirring. I knew everyone knows it... everyone but me. This morning I attempted to remember it again and came up with another similar song... for a little while I thought I had solved the mystery but it didn't exactly feel right. As the feeling of "not rightness" grew I googled surrounding subjects and found it listed in Wikipedia. Land of Hope and Glory... not Rule Britiannia (this morning's effort) nor God Save The Queen which was all I could think of last night. I know everyone has things like this happen to them sometimes, the more stress the worse my recall has been for the last 10 years, but I am beginning to think that this is happening more often than it should. I walk to the kitchen to get the phone and a plastic bag and return with a plastic bag and the vague feeling of failure. I write these blogs and reach a point where i am searching for a word and it doesn't want to come... the other day I could not remember the word "ancillary" for some reason my mind kept suggesting "incendiary" and I KNEW that was wrong. Roget was needed to save me from that one. Yesterday I kept thinking the gallows were called a galley... When in my adult life have I ever done this???? Anyone who knows me knows that I ALWAYS have the right word on the tip of my tongue. I'm a walking thesaurus for Pete's sake!
I'm frightened that other aspects of my intelligence might be affected too (though I have not noticed my processing slowing down I think) - what if I don't have the gifts that earned me a slew of High Distinctions last time I was a student?
But I am just totally frightened, scared shitless and witless because I am not my body but I AM my vocabulary. I AM my quick incisive wit. I AM my mind!