I am my mind

I'm scared shitless.

The things going on with my body are (at times) inconvenient, unpleasant, depressing, annoying and disabling... they are not terrifying though.  I am not my ability to move fast or my ability to contort into pretzel -like positions, I'm not my ability to sit still or to walk long distances, I'm not my balance or my tactile sensitivity (well maybe I am that a bit) or the strength of my grip, I'm not my energy level (though I do mourn that one).  Experiencing significant degeneration in these areas doesn't alter the core of 'me' it just makes everything harder.

For the past two years I have abjectly refused to even consider that I might have any kind of cognitive problems caused by Fibromyalgia.  There is a symptom colloquially known as "Fibro Fog" which is present for many FMS diagnosed people.  It manifests as forgetfulness, aphasia (the inability to remember words or communicate effectively), and a general inability to recall the things you are trying to recall.  I have often made the point that experiencing constant pain creates a level of distraction that increases forgetfulness, as does stress, and I have blamed any deficit in myself on these factors.

Last night I could not remember a song that I have known all my life...  I don't mean I couldn't remember the lyrics - I couldn't remember it at all, I had an aching annoying sensation of having it be on the tip of my tongue but out of reach.  I remembered where and when I had sung it on stage.  I knew when it was played at sporting events.  I knew it was stirring.  I knew everyone knows it... everyone but me.  This morning I attempted to remember it again and came up with another similar song... for a little while I thought I had solved the mystery but it didn't exactly feel right.  As the feeling of "not rightness" grew I googled surrounding subjects and found it listed in Wikipedia.  Land of Hope and Glory... not Rule Britiannia (this morning's effort) nor God Save The Queen which was all I could think of last night.  I know everyone has things like this happen to them sometimes, the more stress the worse my recall has been for the last 10 years, but I am beginning to think that this is happening more often than it should.  I walk to the kitchen to get the phone and a plastic bag and return with a plastic bag and the vague feeling of failure.  I write these blogs and reach a point where i am searching for a word and it doesn't want to come... the other day I could not remember the word "ancillary" for some reason my mind kept suggesting "incendiary" and I KNEW that was wrong.  Roget was needed to save me from that one.  Yesterday I kept thinking the gallows were called a galley... When in my adult life have I ever done this????  Anyone who knows me knows that I ALWAYS have the right word on the tip of my tongue.  I'm a walking thesaurus for Pete's sake!

I'm frightened that other aspects of my intelligence might be affected too (though I have not noticed my processing slowing down I think) - what if I don't have the gifts that earned me a slew of High Distinctions last time I was a student?

But I am just totally frightened, scared shitless and witless because I am not my body but I AM my vocabulary.  I AM my quick incisive wit.  I AM my mind!