I'm not sure if I want this going out into the galaxy of infinite internet information... it might be resigned to life as a draft... (not that very many people read my blog anyway)... BUT...
I had an unusual experience this morning. I woke from a dream in which I had found a woman attractive. This probably doesn't sound too extraordinary but it is for me.
The dream was hazy, as they are; it didn't make very much sense, as they don't; and it disappeared all too quickly from my mind, as they do. I had watched a woman in jeans and a western shirt (she could have been any of those very cute cowgirls at the gay rodeo in Denver) run back across a corral towards me. She sat down beside me - I don't know who she was and she isn't familiar to my conscious mind, but in the dream I knew her, slightly - she turned towards me, very close - her face no more than 8 inches from mine - and she smiled and her eyes twinkled. I said, "you have beautiful eyes". For a moment something electric flashed between us, something that felt strangely like attraction, and she looked down, bashfully and mumbled "Thank you". Then I woke up. (I bet you thought we were going to kiss - my dreams aren't that raunchy!)
It isn't very noteworthy I know. I suppose other people have lots of dreams like this. I don't. I don't dream about finding people attractive and I don't dream about falling in love, well not subconsciously anyway. Attraction, for me, is so rarely visually stimulated. It always (OK there was one exception back in my mid 20's and you know who you are!) begins with some kind of mental and emotional "CLICK". I don't lust after attractive strangers or faces on a screen. The physical attraction needs to support the emotional and intellectual - but it doesn't lead.
This story could go two ways here, I am sorely tempted to start down the "poor me" track (my self esteem is in the toilet, overweight, not very interesting, I walk like a 90 year old) - think I'm gonna eat worms! OR I could swing into "Positive Thinking" mode, which I myself seriously questioned in a blog the other day, and hypocritically decide to put my wishes "out into the universe".
So what do I want? I would like to meet a woman who makes me laugh and who laughs at my half-witticisms, she MUST be bright, she doesn't need to be beautiful but it is important that something in her look appeals to me, sparkling eyes are a good start! Not too screwed up is a learned requirement (but that's another story). It doesn't seem too much to ask, does it? Oh yeah, one last thing, I want her to think I am fabulous - (some degree of disassociation from reality might be an asset with this).
I guess she isn't going to turn up inside the house so I better go out and do something. It is a glorious day in Sydney the options are limitless!
I am really bad at making social things happen, just a dash of social anxiety makes it stressful. So any thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.
you never know... I met my love while in front of my computer, so you can meet someone without going outside. OK, so we finally did meet. Outside, even, but you know what I mean... ;)
ReplyDeleteLene - you are right, I don't know! Thanks heaps for reading and commenting. I will be adding your incisive blog to my followed list. post haste!
ReplyDeleteShe will turn up. And she will see you for all your fabulousness. Call me a scoundrel optimist, but there is a fair amount of real science around the notion of positive prognostication and empirically that just feels right to me.
ReplyDeleteAhhh Meredith I hope you're right! (mind you one of my other commentators said "hope is not a method" LOL) Let's prognosticate our heads off!
ReplyDeleteI was stuck in small town Indiana, the only gay person I knew in the state! I joined a 'loney hearts' club magazine, placed MY ad, got HUNDREDS of responses (eek--in my MOM's mailbox, glass box) but nobody made me feel 'it.' I looked trough the book that all the ads were in...nothing rang my chimes, then one month a blond, NYU grad in acting/film(I wanted to live in NYC and act)only a state away and used big words I had to LOOK UP! What would SHE see in Me though? A college drop out, who worked at a box factory. But we began writing and BAZINGA! 32yrs later, still in love and I'm still looking up her damn big words. We were healthy when we met, then within 5 years both were very ill. But fate wanted us together. Go out, go online, just don't give up and don't count yourself out for any of your OWN reasons. If you like somebody--give it a shot.
ReplyDeleteOh Diane, what a beautiful story! I'm not in all that much of a hurry, pretty happy being single for a bit - but I won't give up and I will give it a shot! Thanks mate!
ReplyDeleteThough my story is not as dramatic as Diane's, I thought I fell for one of two best friends, the one who talked a lot. I went on a weekend trip with the two, and ended up sharing driving with this friend of a friend, talked through the night as we drove. I found the woman I thought attractive became less so as I kept expecting depth and found the same, same, same everywhere, while the quiet friend became the one who would DO things from trips on paddle steamers to a railway trip across the united states. She was the one who moved to be with me.
ReplyDeleteThough I know a couple on the 40th anniversary and she left her husband after a long letter love affair with a woman she had never even seen a picture of, "I fell in love with her voice, and her way of thinking and seeing things." one said. The moved in the same day they finally met.
A road trip would be a wonderful way to fall in love!
ReplyDeleteI get the need for someone to fall in love with their soul, their intelligence, their loyalty... not their face. I used to be a woman that relied on sex for relationships and it was a crazy roller coaster way to live. Then I met this person at a conference and while there was not a strong sexual attraction there was so much more. It was worth giving up my wild ways ;-) and the silly thing was I really wasn't even looking for him (yeah, I roll that way, does it matter?)All those previous sexual partners in my life couldn't hold a candle to what I've got now. I don't know why I feel compelled to tell you that...maybe because I can remember a time where I wouldn't understand where you are coming from? But I totally get it now. I hope you find the one.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathy, many is the time I have thought I found "the one"... I could have been described as a serial monogamist. I guess my belief that the right person is out there is not as strong as it used to be and I do take heart from stories such as yours. Thanks heaps and welcome!
ReplyDelete"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu
ReplyDeleteMichelle - great quote makes me wish I could find someone as I sorely need both strength and courage! Thanks
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