Laughter and being talkative...

I don't think I have ever laughed more than I have laughed in the last couple of weeks.

Most of the things TLOML and I laugh about are too silly to describe...  I could say "you had to be there" but even that was not enough for the poor girl sharing the row with us on the plane.  Last night, taking my nightly meds, we were giggling, as we so often do, when TLOML pointed out that I was laughing too much to take my antidepressants!  If laughter is the best medicine I can probably cease all other treatment!

One of the really strange things that has happened to me, since this wonderful falling in love experience began, is that I have become incredibly talkative... a real chatterbox.  Anyone who knew me as a kid will not be at all surprised because I was quite hyper-communicative as a kid...  I laughed a LOT, smiled a LOT and got the gabbles with monotonous regularity.  My mouth was constantly struggling to keep up with my brain.

I wrote in a blog a few months ago that vim and vigour had vamoosed and that being in pain and somewhat fatigued all the time had removed my "live wire" personality.  Well no sooner do I write the words than this miracle comes into my life and makes me a liar!  Suddenly I am animated again, enthusiastic and effervescent; suddenly I am busting to talk about everything and to tell my stories...  I have again developed verbal diarrhea!  Just like the old days!

TLOML and I are quite alike in many ways (aside from sharing the same unusual name) we are both lively and excitable, talkative and giggly, thank Herbert we both love those qualities in each other as well.  Back when we were at school together (over three decades ago) we used to get into trouble for talking and giggling together and not much has changed.

But everything had changed...  I had lost that zest for life, that certain joie de vivre that had been such a hallmark of my childhood and early adulthood.  I think I had become grumpy and even at times perhaps ... morose... (eep that is hard to admit).  I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about this because it really was situational...  I have been through some very difficult times and suffered some gut-wrenching losses.  On top of that my vitality, which was such a part of my very identity, had flickered to a barely discernible glimmer.

My mother (my oft quoted mother whose death was one of those gut-wrenching losses) always said it was "darkest before the dawn".  In this case she was so SO right.  Things were pretty grim.

Well not any more!

I am still hurting.  I still NEED to be horizontal.  I still get tired far too quickly.  My balance is still crappy. But things have changed in so many ways and for the better.  When I'm hurting TLOML asks me what I need and how she can help.  When I need to be horizontal I often have company and laughter.  When I am tired I am soothed and spoiled and brought cups of tea and loved and cared for.  When I stumble or lose my balance TLOML is there to hold my hand and steady me.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am the luckiest woman on earth, not only for the love and care I receive, but for the laughter and chatter that fill our days and envelop us in a giant bubble of happiness.

In spite of this nasty condition my old talkative self is back with a vengeance!

Christmas in the tropics

I must apologize in advance that my brain has turned to mush and I have lost any pretense of incisive wit or erudite commentary on the world at large.

Yesterday, on Christmas day, TLOML and I rose very early and headed to the airport (her lovely and dutiful brother gave us a ride), we set out on less than four hours sleep.  I think we could both have been forgiven for being crabby, overtired and short tempered.  Two flights, an hour waiting, twice, in two different airports, I think grumpy is understandable.  On the first flight someone had put their bag in the overhead locker over me and their water (I hope it was water) had dripped through the side of the bulkhead and poured down on my shoulder.  At the airport mid way, we both, in turn, waited through long rest room queues.

Well, I have to admit that I am playing with you, dear reader...  We were unfazed by any obstacle.  Never has flying time or waiting time gone by more quickly.  Any thoughts of naps on the plane fell by the wayside in paroxysms of giggles and almost uncontrollable laughter.  The flight attendant was so delighted with our laughter over the dripping locker that he gave us a bottle of wine.  On the second flight we happily played hangman for over an hour and laughed so much that the man in the seat ahead of us was giving us dirty looks.  Laughter is very disruptive.

TLOML has some really wonderful friends here.  We were picked up from the dock and dropped to her house and then we dropped by to her best friend's house where we hung out in the pool and ate delicious Christmas leftovers.  In the evening we went to another of her friend's houses to a party that was full of really terrific people who were good fun, welcoming, and easy going.  Lots more laughter and lots more yummy food (including a home made rocky road that was absolutely sinfully decadent!!!).

Today has been outrageously slothful including eleven (yes count them, eleven) hours sleep overnight AND a mid afternoon nap of over two hours!  One of my best friends from the US, and her girlfriend, called on skype and the four of us chatted.  TLOML went to make a cup of tea and I told my friends how incredible all this is...  There has not been a single thing that has been obstructive or difficult, every potential obstacle resolves itself before we reach it, I told my fellow ex-Minnesotan friends that it feels like driving behind the snowplow!  Every step we take seems to have been cleared in advance of our arrival.  Falling in love has never been so easy nor has it ever seemed so natural and perfect before.  The unbelievable fact that this amazing and beautiful woman loves me too is just the most incredibly fantastic and awesome event in my life!  (Have I included enough superlatives in that sentence?)

Right now I am lying naked in her bed while a balmy breeze blows through the window, the sun is setting and I have a view of tree covered hills, palm trees, and (just so I don't forget I am in Australia) there are gum trees moving in the breeze.  TLOML is making dinner (which has just started to smell delicious), she has popped outside to put her chooks (chickens) away for the evening, a kookaburra is laughing in the distance...  It is idyllic.

Can you blame me for letting my brain turn to mush?

I survived

Actually I survived and perhaps even prospered.

It is midnight and Christmas just began with a kiss...

In four and a half hours we have to get up and go to the airport from whenc. we shall jet away to TLOML's island home.

The family do today was very nice and went quite well.  I think we were all being rather careful to stay on our best behaviour but it was successful.  My step-sister really rose to the occasion and kept the conversation light, bubbly and inclusive, my nephews were terrific and my straight brother and I exchanged phone numbers and even shared a chuckle or two.  The Boy was charming but a little distant and I am glad he had the opportunity to spend some time with his cousins.  All in all not too bad!.

The evening was spent with TLOML's brother and his family and The Boy and I could not have felt more welcome.  It was a lovely evening capped off by a call from TLOML's niece who is in Germany.  She especially wanted to talk to TLOML and I which was really special and inclusive.

Things are going pretty damn well actually!

I need to talk about the physical stuff soon but I just don't have time for now... surviving on that front has been a bit more of a challenge but more on that later.

Gush, swoon, gush...melt...swoon

I have been having a wonderful time with TLOML.  We have spent time with her brother and his family and it has been really delightful to see people interacting with her and loving her.  They are a loving family and clearly she brightens their world as she does mine.

There has not been even one thing that has not gone beautifully.  I feel like I am living in a love story, I would say a romance novel but there has been no conflict or crossed wires to hang a plot upon... We are actually sickly sweet and swooningly into each other.  She is very solicitous and thoughtful; in some ways more sensitive about my need to conserve energy and take it easy than I am. I'm loving being cared for and cared about but I do get a bit stubborn about wanting to contribute.

Today we did a massive shop because tonight we are having a dinner party.  While up at the mall I took her in and introduced her to my little mate at the optometrists (he agreed with me that she is beautiful and was very happy for us).  Mostly we have been spending time with her friends and family which is wonderful for me.  I don't have to carry the conversations and I can sit back and watch her interacting with her people.  Tonight we are having two other lesbian couples for dinner.  The first couple are the people we stayed with when TLOML first arrived.  Lovely women, her long time (childhood) friend and the friend's Irish partner.  The other couple are friends of mine, my long LONG ago (early 80's) first serious girlfriend (actually the first person I was ever in love with) and her terrific current partner, who I have only met twice but who I really liked on sight.  It should be a good evening.

I'm going to make some garlic prawns and scallops and serve them over French bread and then we are also going to have roast pork, apple sauce, and some baked potatoes and pumpkin with steamed green veggies too.  It has been fun planning together and shopping for dinner.  I'm lying here getting some horizontal time while TLOML makes us some lunch.

My Gay Brother has reached out to me which is fabulous and he and his partner will be down in Sydney on Friday evening in time for us all to go and have dinner.  That will be the first and only introduction of TLOML to my family this Christmas...  Well not including The Boy - he will be getting home tomorrow (Thursday) and I'm picking him up at the train station at sparrow's fart.  I expect he will meet with TLOML some time tomorrow, maybe in the evening.

All the pieces just seem to keep falling into place for us, I can't believe how wonderful things are, how natural and perfect it all feels, how compatible we are.  I am spending a LOT of time feeling incredibly grateful to Herbert.  I was so low so recently that it is hard to believe this spectacular turn of events.  Sometimes I just smile and shake my head and I can hardly believe that it is the other Displaced from school...  Of all the people in the whole world WE have fallen in love with each other after 31 years apart.  In all honesty I am having to downplay this for you or you would all have to be taking turns at throwing up!

EXTRA EXTRA Read all about it!

Quick post... women in love don't have much time for writing...

Things are kicking arse and taking names here, going gang busters, awesome, wonderful, phantasmagorical even!!!  Those of you who predicted that I would indeed find true love (here two months to the day ago) were RIGHT!!!

TLOML is everything I could have ever dreamed of ... words escape me... (clearly I have got it really bad!!!)  In my wildest dreams I never imagined that I would have a woman as fabulous as she fall in love with me.  I am totally smitten, overwhelmed by her humour, her beauty, her kindness, her loving approach to life, and quite frankly everything about her!  I'm like the cat who got the canary and I am spending part of every day saying... "pinch me is this real?"

Christmas is looming...  We spent time with her family today and I know now that after enduring, and hopefully surviving, our Christmas-family-stress-out The Boy and I will both be welcome to join their family for the evening.  We will get to see people being loving towards each other (for a change)...

TLOML is busy telling me that I should not put her on a pedestal and that she is far from perfect...  I know, I know... I'm not unrealistic I just know, and acknowledge, a good thing when I see one!!!  

Dear Mum, Happy Birthday.

Dear Mum,

today is your birthday and you would have been turning 94. Every year since you died I have written about you and told my friends what a wonderful woman you were and how much you will always live on in my heart. Yet every year since you died I have not been able to speak clearly of my own life because I have known that you would have been worried for me and perhaps disappointed.

When I went back to the US after your death I seemed to draw some strength from you and I found my spine and almost immediately extricated myself from the terrible relationship I was in at that time. I just knew that you would never have wanted me to be abused and manipulated as I had been.

Finally, three years after your death, I have things happening in my life that I know would make you happy. I've been living in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, in your old stomping ground, and the memories of you, my aunts and uncles and my cousins, are very strong nearly every day. You are omnipresent in my mind.

I know you often thought my partners didn't treat me well enough. I always knew the bias of your love and the way you so selflessly cared for the boys and me. I knew that your standard was virtually unobtainable. But Mum, I think I've found the one you would have loved. She is everything the others lacked, soft and good humoured, ready to laugh, kind, caring and oh so very loving.

I sometimes wonder if you would perhaps remember her, or at least remember my speaking of her. She doesn't recall ever meeting you but your steel trap of a mind would remember her if you had met when she and I were at school. I wish you were here to see how she loves me, I think you would approve. It's a bit like the one really good relationship I had, only better. I'm more ready now, Mum. I couldn't stay still before; I was stagnating.

All of my life you only ever wanted to see me happy and yet the last ten years of your life you saw me in almost every condition but happy. I'm happy now. Mum. For once I really think I am with someone you would have loved.

I'm sorry the boys and I have not stuck together, I know that was your dying wish, I will try – I will see them both at Christmas and I will forgive and be open to closeness with them. The Boy will see his cousins and I will take it all in for you. 

Happy Birthday.  I love you.

Old friends, New friends and friends becoming ???

What an interesting day it has been!

Today I went out to Parramatta and met up with The Boy and then we were joined by The Lioness and her lovely daughter for lunch.  The "kids" discovered a shared love of the TV series "Charmed" (I can't believe how into it they both were... discussing costumes worn in particular scenes!!!  I asked The Lioness if she could name the clothes worn by her favourite characters on MASH - Green Uniforms Of Course!!!  Life was simpler when we were kids LOL).

The Lioness is one of those people who I have loved since the day we met.  I remember well our meeting.  I had been cast in a student production of the play Woyzeck (A torturous painful story) and The Lioness was to design the costumes and the set.  I went back to her house for a cuppa that day and we have been friends ever since.  At times we have been disconnected by time and distance but I have never felt anything short of love for her.  Now here we are, each with a child who just finished school, all lunching together.  It was lovely and too brief but the love was strong and it always will be.

After lunch we popped in to visit some new friends.  I met her at the hospital on Eileen's birthday... the last time I saw Eileen.  The Boy and I became closer to her and her family at the funeral.  It was a lovely but brief visit.  Such warmth and kindness from new friends.  I have been giving her some business advice from my marketing days... I should have thought to take her a copy of my book... Sometimes I don't have the bright idea until too late.  Oh well - Next time!

Tonight is the last night before TLOML arrives in Sydney tomorrow afternoon.  For some reason I seem to have reached a place of calm certainty.  Suddenly I'm not as nervous as I was.  I'm not as excited as I was.  I'm not as wound up by it all.  I just feel very calm and steady.  I feel very warm and comfortable and loving - not nearly so frenetic as my energy has been in the lead up.  Almost fatalistic.  In truth what can we be but fatalistic?  It will be what it will be and I will always treasure this time, this phase; it has its own merit and value.  It's too late to start trying to make myself beautiful - that project should have been commissioned twenty years ago!

In my life I have only ever met two women who bear my name.  One was a sales assistant in a department store when I was a kid... a stranger in a black dress who said "that's my name too".  The other was TLOML...  When I try to imagine how many people I have met in my life time it is inestimable.  The shared name is freaky weird but our relationship isn't freaky or weird in any way.  It just seems natural.  Whatever happens I know these things, we are both sensitive and kind people, we are both honest, there will be nothing harsh or unfeeling.

And who knows... this could be it... this could be forever... maybe we really are living in a love story!  It sure feels like it!