Tuesday, 12 November 2013

On the eve...

Well today is the 12th of November and as such it is a multi anniversary.

It is the anniversary of the first day TexLOML and I reconnected after 31 years of no contact and that day 2 years ago was the beginning of my current adventure.

It is also the 1 month anniversary of the day TexLOML asked me to leave.

Furthermore it is the day before I move into my new unit.

Tomorrow I pick up the keys of the new place and start (probably finish) moving my stuff.  There isn't all that much although I have, in the last week, acquired a bed base and a bed frame, a so so mattress that I will probably put in the spare room, a coffee table, 8 dining room chairs and a washing machine - grand total of expenditure $200.  Not bad eh?  I went over today and signed all the papers except the final lease and in the morning I pick up the keys.

Today I also dragged my 'project boat' down to the main street and put a "For Sale" sign on it and believe it or not it sold within 2 hours.  It isn't much but it is more than I paid for it (unless I count the barge charges to bring it to the island and the diesel for the drive to get it in which case I have lost about $100).  I am also considering selling my 8 hp auxiliary motor but I am less sure of that.  I might still want to get a dinghy and put that motor on it.

I tried to explain to Frizby that it is our last night in this house and that when we move tomorrow THAT will be it (at least for 6 months)... I'm not sure she understands in spite of her sincere and adoring gaze, into my eyes, as I spoke.

Today is also TexLOML's birthday and I called her early this morning (when she should have been up getting ready for work) and sang "Happy Birthday" into the answering machine... there has been no response.  My steady, dependable, friend, who owns the place where I have been staying for the last week has taken off camping so I spent the evening alone wondering what TexLOML and all of "our" friends were doing tonight.  A stupid, wasteful use of my mental attention.  I can't say the tune to "Eleanor Rigby" hasn't run through my head a time or two.

I've arranged for TexLOML's son to help me carry the few things that are heavy tomorrow afternoon and although I am ok with it running to a second day I think I can probably move nearly everything tomorrow.  I tried to get another helper to lend some muscle but to no avail - maybe her son can rustle up a mate for half an hour?

I feel strange; excited and uncomfortable, fearful and liberated, positive and alarmed...  It strikes me that over the last month I have repeatedly developed a comfort zone only to have to leave it and face the unknown again.  In truth that has been the nature of my life for the last 9 years with an off-kilter acceleration five years ago when my mum died.  I have run from false "safe haven" to false "safe haven" without finding any security.  Here I am finally facing the simple fact that the only person I can depend upon is myself.  I'm not sure if you have any idea how terrifying this idea is to me.  I can't say I have hit rock bottom because I still had a roof over my head, I may have been packing and repacking, over and over, but I haven't been sleeping on the beach or in my car.  I wonder if my health will improve with this transition?  I wonder if self-determination impacts significantly on stress and ergo health?

Well I have had a few glasses of wine and taken my nightly meds and I think it's time to retire to a book and hope that someone else's world can capture my attention.

I would love to hear you thoughts!

2 comments:

  1. Hello again, You are starting this new phase of your life with the realisation of your past pattern of 'false safe havens' where you relied on others for security and your happiness, that is so much healthier than not realising it at all because now you know the signs. I truly believe that you will be more than fine, look at all you have achieved in the last month in spite of the fear and the break up? Accept all the help you can with the move and instead of thinking about TexLOYL's birthday maybe start thinking about a house warming to get to know your new neighbours or hook up with the people you met recently and reconnect? Your rock bottom was some time ago this is part of your ascension, it's only natural that part of this is the plateaux (s?) which makes the upward straight line, into steps (visual image there) and I have no doubt that you will start to feel the upward part soon again. You get to decorate, furnish your home your way this time the jobs you do around the house will be for yourself (or get the landlord in) the way things have happened so quickly makes me feel your are being watched over. Take a deep breath and recognise all you have accomplished, to me it is so much plus you allowed yourself to make the jump in the first place which is so much better than if fear had prevented you from making the move, it was so brave and something many would not have taken a chance on. And in case I forget you need to find a new theme song for your head you are in no way anything like Eleanor Rigby! Stay strong and go easy with the move try not to overdo it. Siobhán

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    1. Dear Siobhan, you are so wonderfully supportive I wish I could believe it all. Unfortunately I had a bad night last night (including being violently ill) so I'm not feeling as strong as I wish I were. I do know this is part of the up again and I hope I can sustain the forward momentum! Thanks for the strength of your regular comments. I really appreciate it!

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