Is she is or is she an't my baby? - SHE AIN'T!

Two and a half weeks ago, precisely one month before our two year anniversary, TLOML decided that I am definitely not TLOHL .. unfortunately.  There was no fight or drama... she just isn't feeling it any more.

She asked me to move out ASAP and I did nine days later.  Her house is still housing most of my clothes and possessions as I live out of a backpack, couch-surfing, until I can arrange something more permanent.  I am still on the island.  Paradise looks different though.

There are a few things I need to thank Herbert for... (to anyone uninitiated Herbert is my name for the universal presence that might or might not be a god or energy or goddess etc)

1. I live in Australia where, by and large, people are not allowed to starve on the streets
2. My doctor had put me on a new anti-depressant, only two weeks before, that was having a positive effect.
3. I have the pooch Frizby to make me get up in the morning.
4. I have The Boy to make me bother staying alive (literally)
5. The TexLOML and I are still civil, and caring (mostly), and talking to each other.
6. Support has come from surprising places (well place really) and I appreciate it very much.

I'm in a sticky spot.  A sticky spot that is not the fault of TexLOML primarily because it is the same sticky spot I was in two years ago when she popped into my universe.  I'm broke, crook (that means sick for any non-aussies out there), and I have few friends and no supportive family.  I'm currently (in spite of the anti-depressant) somewhat prone to little pity parties of feeling unloved and unlovable where, quite frankly, I get terrified (I mean terrified - anxiety, panic etc) of turning into Eleanor Rigby.

Yesterday was a bad day and I got a little down last night because I have to move before I can get permanent accommodation arranged (which I hope happens within the next week or 10 days).  It is an unwanted inconvenience and while I am grateful to the person who has let me stay where I am, and I am intellectually very understanding of the reasoning, emotionally it feels like I am being kicked again when I am down.  I am also grateful that I have another place where I can stay in the mean time.

So this morning I sucked it up and decided that I needed to get more proactive about the accommodation situation (though I have been on it almost continuously) so I went out to check out places.  There are two that appeal to me... they are both more money than I can really afford.  The first one for $210 per week is very nice, spacious, has two bedrooms (I only need and want one but there are no one bedroom places available) has a little backyard for Frizzle, is available immediately and the agent is friendly and favourably disposed to getting me into the property.  The other is located closer to TexLOML and other people I know and hope to stay friends with, has two smallish bedrooms and a lovely outlook, has a pool AND a bathtub (a premium item in my world) BUT it is $230 pw, does not feel as solid, clean or ready as the other one.  Also the agent is not quite as helpful and friendly.  This put me into a bit of a spin where I was really wanting to make a choice between the two places... so where does Eleanor Rigby go to talk over the pros and cons of a situation like this???  Straight to TexLOML of course - who else gives a shit?  I showed her both of the places and she could see the pros and cons of each and then our conversation sidetracked into another area. 

I was thinking that maybe over Christmas I would take a road trip down to where my brother lives and pick up the rest of my stuff (that has been stored there since I moved to the US in Feb 2000) suddenly TexLOML starts telling me that she thinks I should "wait and make sure you want to stay here before spending the money to get your stuff", "you never know how you might feel", "what if we can't have a friendly separation after all?", "some people have told me they think you should leave the island, it's too small for ex's"...  I say stuff like - If I am going to rent a place and take a lease for 6 or 12 months I need to be prepared to back that commitment - I want all my things in one place finally!  Aside from the cost, one of the reasons I have never gone to get my stuff is that I always felt insecure at TexLOML's house... I suppose I always knew she would pull the pin one day.  The thing that has been driving me to try and find a place is the desire and intent to make my own security because I have been fundamentally homeless since December 2009 when I moved to Oregon.  I have been itinerant and I hate it!  I think everything is worse for me because of the anxiety my lack of home has created.  

Here I am trying to fight the boogie man and take control of my life and it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me again.  It kind of feels like being kicked out of the house again but this time I am being kicked out of the island (this is an extreme and not true interpretation that is emotional and not intellectual).

Here are my choices - 

I can move to Sydney where at best I could find some share accommodation (maybe) where I would be near'ish to The Boy and The Best Friend.

I can move back to the place a half days drive north of Sydney where I have some old friends and where both my brothers live.

I can stay here on this island.

I can go somewhere where I know no one.

I really can't afford to live in Sydney.  My brother's, much as I love them both, are relationships fraught with unmet expectations and disappointment.  I don't want to go where I know no one because I don't want to be Eleanor Rigby.  So I figured work on my relationships here and stick it out and hope that TexLOML and The Nurse continue to be friendly with me and maybe I can make my own little life here.

I feel so beaten tonight.  I feel like a sad, lonely, middle aged, useless woman.  I should have a giant Laverne style "L" tattooed to my forehead.

If you are reading this, thanks - I'm sorry I don't read and comment more on the blogs of others, I'm sorry I don't blog more often about interesting and uplifting things...  I'm just sorry.