Being Grateful!

I shared this on Facebook this morning and it got me thinking that I probably could do with a gratitude list - so here it is!

When I lived in the US once a year we would have what was usually an orphan's Thanksgiving dinner.  We invited anyone we knew who couldn't go to their own family... for whatever reason...  Always there were people there whom I had never met, frequently there were people who spoke no English, and usually very few of those present knew each other.  We ate - huge meals of turkey, with lashings of vegetables and then desserts; and we drank - significant quantities of wine usually.  The funniest time was when we invited this Moroccan guy, Adi, who was married to an American acquaintance... his wife was away on an academic appointment and so he was going to be home alone.  Adi was a great dinner guest but I must confess to fits of uncontrollable giggles (wine assisted I'm sure) overtaking me when he brought out his slide projector and started showing us a travelogue of the tour he was selling to Morroco!  He had printed sheets for us and our other guests to sign up there and then - everything but the credit card machine!  Another time we had two Korean students (they were at law school with a friend of ours) and one of them brought her mother who spoke no English - the poor woman (who remained sober) was quite overwhelmed by the raucous, inebriated volume of our laughter and conversation.  One of the memorable components of each of these cacophonous gatherings was the pause before we actually ate when we would go around the table and each say a few words about the things that year had delivered for which we were grateful.  I kind of miss that... the breath to think about only the benefits... the moment to rise beyond the irritations of daily life and look at the more important truths...

Charlie Brown and Snoopy can't even hope to be grateful every day for everything - but how about being grateful today for the good stuff?

I am grateful for (in non-significant order)

• being Australian
• living in a country where (in spite of constant attacks from the right wing, big money, and big finance) there is still a system of universal education, welfare, and healthcare
• having in my life a plethora of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people who believe in taking care of those who have harder roads, the earth, the animals, the ocean...  I am grateful for their passion and their staunch beliefs
• every day in every way I am grateful for my parents and my upbringing most especially my mother who is omnipresent in my thoughts in spite of the nearly 4 years that have passed since she died
• The Boy - OMG I am so grateful for The Boy - when life has reached its lowest ebb it is his existence that has enabled me to survive (as a side note he is doing incredibly well at the moment and has been promoted to supervisor only half way through his traineeship - it doubles his salary and the company has put him in the very best location in their flagship store - starting the day before his 19th birthday The Boy is on his way!)  I am so very fortunate that all my crappy decisions didn't manage to screw him up too much!
• the dogs.  Frizby and Venus add so much to my daily life especially in the production of endorphins I'm sure.  I adore the babies and I love that TLOML and I are both loving them together
• The Best Friend - anyone who has read this blog before knows what a jackpot I have won with her, I am forever in her debt for the help she has given The Boy and I am so lucky to have her friendship
• the chooks who give us lovely fresh eggs but who more importantly give me pleasure and make me feel all warm and fuzzy and entertained
• opportunity - just when I thought I was pretty much out to pasture from now on I have had yet another opportunity land in my lap - work I can do while lying in bed, that furthers my studies and enhances my resume while paying me a good casual wage... just a few hours a week but that is about all I have in me anyway...  Out of nowhere here comes another chance to feel success
• my intelligence and my ability to write - I'm not meaning to sound arrogant but I would be remiss if I failed to be thankful for these undeserved (and frequently misused) gifts
• The Nurse - how lucky am I that I come to a strange place, where I only know TLOML, and I find in her friend someone who is so wonderful and so accepting of me - someone who has been open to allow us to develop our own relationship and whom I just adore!  (she loves me too!)  Serendipity at it's finest.
• TLOML's youngest son - his presence makes me feel just a little less pain about being so far away from The Boy; his humour clicks with mine and I am grateful for the moments when our eyes meet with understanding and laughter.  I am also grateful for the fact that we just 'get' each other and that he forgives my grumpy moods.  He can be a shit of a kid (can't they all?) but I really love him and that is something worthy of gratitude!
• his father - how cool is it to really enjoy your partner's ex?
• my health - I know this sounds strange being that I have a chronic illness but it's true - even though I am in constant pain and I never feel great, I'm actually quite healthy in other ways... I rarely catch colds or viruses and my constitution is strong - good heart, low blood pressure, and all this in spite of the terrible things I have inflicted upon my system over the years...
• Facebook - without FB I would not be able to maintain solid and consistent relationships with the many friends I love all over the world - I can't hug them but we can interact and correspond and KNOW that we think of each other with love and fondness.  Also it was Facebook that brought TLOML back into my life and I will thank FB forever for that.
• my friends who are scattered so far and wide - loving them makes me feel good
• good food!  Here in Australia we are lucky to have terrific fresh produce, meats, seafood and anything else we might want.  I'm learning to cook (after decades of avoiding it vehemently), I'm almost enjoying it and we sure do get to eat well!
• TLOML - I've carried on enough in these pages about how fortunate I am to have met this crazy wonderful woman... we have our ups and downs, our moments of pique, and yet we just roll on past them - not dragging them on like extra carriages of cargo - they are shunted off onto a siding never to be seen again...  she shares without question her life, her house (which is now our home), her friends, and her family, and my life has a depth of pleasure and a richness I never expected to experience again.

I'm sure I have missed stuff, it is by no means a complete list - off the top of my head these are the biggies...

I think it's good for us all to spend time occasionally thinking only of the good stuff - let all the nasty stuff go -- for the most part, you can't change it anyway so why dwell on it?  I'm not convinced of the power of positive thinking and I can be a bit of a pessimistic optimist at times (hope for the best and plan for the worst) but really a few minutes dedicated to thinking only the stuff that feels good is really healthy!

Thanks to any of you out there who bother to read this and comment -- I love you too!

Thank Herbert for it all!

Good News Monday!

I know I am an unforgivably slack blogger.  I ask for no forgiveness and I know my apologies are not nearly sufficient.

That said -- I have been BUSY!!!

Chronological order usually seems like the best way to relay a narrative account of events but not today I have news I am busting to share!

I just handed in an assignment to the University (one that I suspect is inferior in quality, unfortunately) and as I opened my uni email to send the assignment in I found several emails from the Director of the Master of Conflict and Dispute Resolution Program in which I am studying.  One was giving me a mark for the last subject I finished and I was STUNNED to discover that I had achieved a High Distinction on each of the components and therefore my first HD for a whole course!!!  Yippee was I completely surprised I thought my final assignment on that subject was  a load of tripe and onions.  I also had an email giving me a totaled mark for the subject I finished before that (in this case I got an HD for the major assignment but a Credit for an earlier piece of work gave me a Distinction average).  None of this is THE good news...

I also had an email from this professor advising me that she has received funding for a part time research assistant and asking IF I AM INTERESTED!!!!

Does the Pontiff wear a silly hat?
Is a duck's bum watertight?
Are polka dot bikinis itsy bitsy and teeny weeny?

Of course I am bloody interested!

I don't know too much yet - the project is looking at conflict between PhD Students and their Supervisors.  Both of the lecturers involved in the project know me and know that I have health issues and problems with endurance, they are both quite flexible, so I'm pretty sure they would be flexible and quite possibly some of the work would be able to be done remotely (coming to you live from my bedroom!).  Anyway, it's very exciting and here's hoping... it could be the inauspicious beginning of my academic career!

OK now to some newsy stuff...  at the end of June I celebrated my 50th birthday.  I had a lovely day with TLOML pottering around in town and shopping at the hardware shop (the Aussie version of Homo Depot). I can't really remember why we were there but we got some fairy lights for the party and a solar powered pair of spotlights that now light up the back yard on a movement sensor.  We had spent the week leading up to the birthday cleaning, sorting, tidying, decorating and generally finally moving me in.  The Nurse (whom I adore more every day) gave me, as my birthday present, 6 hours of her labour and came the day before my birthday and got so much done I was amazed!  I am returning the favour now by giving her some handy work on an as needed basis - already I think I will put in a new toilet roll holder and there is some other stuff she wants me to do.  A great idea cause we get to hang out together - get stuff done - save money - and make each other feel good -- Wins all around!

We had a lovely visit from The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter for a few days and a quite small party the day after my birthday.  One night while the visitors were here we went in the evening to a place called West Point to watch the sunset.  TLOML's ex (who I am just crazy about as I have said here before) came and brought his guitar and his mandolin, their son (Who would have thought I could find a kindred spirit in a 15 year old boy?) built a fire on the beach and I got absolutely sloshed and sang all evening.  It has been a LONG LONG time since I enjoyed something like that!  Here are a couple of pics...

It was the most wonderful evening.

I still miss The Boy and I wish he were closer - he is doing so well fending for himself (well almost he still has the watchful eye of The Best Friend not too far away thank Herbert!).  I feel a real sense of pride in him and I'm so impressed with how well he is approaching his work and his responsibilities.  One of the head honcho's at his work (big position about five levels of management above The Boy) singled him out to come in for a chat and talked about his goals and how he is enjoying his work.  There is even a strong possibility that he might get promoted into a supervisory role before the end of his traineeship.  I feel so incredibly fortunate in that area because Herbert knows I made more than my share of parental mistakes and still managed not to totally break him - by good luck not good management!  We Skype'd for a while the other day which is a pretty good substitute for being together.  He turns 19 in a couple of weeks... how the years have flown!

Things are going well with TLOML.  We hit an occasional bump but we seem to bounce back pretty well...  There is a lot of love and understanding between us... The dogs (our shared babies) are a constant source of joy, amusement and aggravation (that would be Frizby delivering that part) and we have to control ourselves from talking about them all the time when we are with other people.  I have also been twice to the produce store to acquire some new chooks (chickens) and today is the first time we have had TWO EGGS!!!  She calls me "The Chook Whisperer" when I sneek out at night to make sure the new chookies have not been excluded from the perch (I pick them up and put them on the perch for the night).

Pastoral, peaceful, pleasant, playful, pleasing and paradisical... (unfortunately still painful too, but c'est la vie).

I think island life agrees with me....

R is for Really Really wonderful*

Radiant, Resplendent, and Ravishing - how we Relish the moments when we can Realize any of those Representations.  I have Recognized them in others but Rarely in myself.  I was, however, one of those women who "glow" when Reproducing so I had nine months of Radiance while carrying The Boy.

I Remember when I started this blog I Requested a partner with sparkling eyes...  TLOML has Relucent Refulgent (now there is a word that sounds VERY different from its meaning!) blue eyes and I Respond with Rosy Rapture every time they Reflect in my direction.

Retain and Restrain
are like days of old
one means to keep and the other to hold

*TLOML and The Nurse will Recollect this Reference

Oh yippee it's O!

OK it was Outstanding to relax a bit today and not feel so Overwhelmed!  I spent some time on school work and some fixing up the Old BBQ The Nurse gave me.  So tonight burgers were in Order and they were extraOrdinary!

Organised and Ordinary
are things I'm not
I can try to keep Order - but Odd's what I've got.

Perceptions of ability within disability...

Today I am going to see a new GP.  Anyone who has read this blog from the beginning (I really don't think you exist) will remember my trepidation and then my joy at my first visit to Dr McLovely, whom I am missing quite a lot!  I have been here nearly a month and I MUST get some prescription renewals.  I'm dreading it. I have to take my copy of 'War and Peace' (my medical file from Dr McLovely).

I now live in a VERY small community, TLOML works at the local medical center part-time, The Nurse is there full-time, I socialize with some of the doctors and most of the nurses and admin staff...  Of course The Nurse and TLOML see me enough to see both my good days and my bad.  They know that when I go out to a social function I am sucking it up and soldiering on; they know that I often have to pay the next day for the efforts of the previous day; they know that the times of activity only happen because of the 18 - 20 hours I spend per day in bed.  Others don't.

On Saturday TLOML and I went on the ferry to the bigger city on the mainland.  Foolishly I had overdone it quite badly on Thursday and Friday and I was (and still am) in the high range with both my constant pain and my breakthrough pain.  In anticipation I took my cane.  I think it is the first time I have used the cane on the island.  Here the stupidmarkets are tiny, the parking for everything is close, TLOML is almost always there to help me balance, and basically I have been able to get by without it.  Naturally we knew people on the ferry, (TLOML knows almost everyone everywhere)and though I caught a quick glance at the said walking stick in my left hand nothing was said.  Once in the city I used it to walk off the ferry to the car, then didn't pull it out again until we were at the SUPER mall.  I have to be really honest here, there just aren't all that many things I miss about the US;  I miss drive through banking; I miss the low cost of things there; ummmm... I miss the Interstates...  But there is one thing that I miss above all, one thing that stands out from the others like a hippy at a GOP convention... I miss with passion the courtesy motorized carts that were available even at my local stupidmarket.

Using one of the courtesy scooters was a VERY hard thing to do the first time.  I remember gazing enviously at those carts for a long time before a day came when I was just SO SORE and Sam's Club was SO BIG that I simply could no longer resist.  I was never a constant user, it always depended on my pain and fatigue levels, the potential length and complexity of the shopping experience, and if I was alone or if I had someone who could manage for me if I needed to get off my feet.  Saturday I longed for one of those courtesy scooters.  At first I was leaning on the trolley but then we bought the rather heavy punching bag (a birthday gift to TLOML's sweetheart younger son) and the trolley became too heavy, so I went back to the cane and handed the trolley over to TLOML.  I couldn't take waiting in the queue at Target so I waited on the kangaroo on the kiddie coin-op carousel.  I really wish Australia would catch up with the US as regards things like courtesy scooters, I would have been so relieved to have had one then and there!

So here I am going to yet another doctor, I'm worried that the invisibility of my condition might work against me, the usual worry.  It's an old problem and one that all of us with invisible conditions experience.  In Sydney when I went to the doctor I always used my cane.  It was necessary to walk alone from the parking which was quite distant but it was also a concrete and tangible symbol of the disability that is otherwise invisible.  I was also suffering a LOT of vertigo at that time and had the balance of a two-legged stool!  Now the vertigo has eased off somewhat and the parking is right outside the door, but I do need this doctor to understand.

It seems a lot to ask of a stranger, that they can understand something that I really don't understand myself.  I don't know why I can do almost anything for a short period of time, I don't know why I can carry a punching bag off the ferry and then have to go home and lie down to recover, I don't know why sometimes I can't make myself stand up straight when I get up out of bed, I don't know why sometimes I fall over for no real reason when I am trying so hard not to fall, I don't know why the urge to be horizontal is like an addiction or a craving, I just don't know...  Most days I can suck it up for a couple of hours and go out to a social event and only the most observant of people would ever know I was in pain - some days that would be impossible.

So do I walk in to the doctors office with my walking stick in hand and say hello to the receptionist who I last saw when we shared a bottle of bubbles at a fabulous pool party?

The things I can write..

Well, here's the story - I'd like to write but I can't really talk about the thing that is dominating my thoughts at the moment.  Perhaps I can best use this forum to talk about the things that are going well.

• TLOML and I are wonderful together.  Even though we have been going through some really very difficult stuff we have supported each other pretty much seamlessly.  I could not have imagined that we would work together so well, so caringly (I know that isn't a word), when going through a crisis situation.  Our precious new relationship has faced an external assault and has proved resilient and solid.  I am astounded by her grace under pressure and by the sensitive awareness she manages to maintain even in the heat of the moment.
• I have been doing reasonably well, health wise lately.  A few days of quite bad pain here and there, some weird things (like the whack-a-mole phenomena mentioned in my last blog), and a general weakness, but mostly I would say that life in the tropics is working well for me.  This is particularly good in view of the stress of the last few days.  I know that I can have an almost immediate physical reaction to stress and fortunately it hasn't been too bad this time.  (Not long before leaving Sydney I was in a stressful situation and even while it was still happening I began to experience very acute pain in multiple areas.)
• The day before yesterday (Sunday), as part of a deliberate plan to try and relax a bit, TLOML and I went for a swim in one of the pools formed in a creek.  There has been a lot of rain lately and as a result all the creeks and waterfalls are flowing.   We slowly and carefully trekked a couple of hundred yards to an oasis of beauty.  On the way in, someone leaving pointed out a koala sitting quite low in a tree.  I have not seen a koala in the wild since I was a small child. This young fellow was hanging out in the fork of the tree watching us.  It was very exciting.  We arrived at the pool at about the same time as a young family that was climbing up the creek bed but they didn't stay long and soon we had this natural haven blessedly to ourselves.  At one point I lay back and floated, totally relaxed (for the first time in ages!), I looked up though the gum trees to a spectacular blue sky with puffy white clouds.  If it sounds idyllic it is only because it is.  About the time we were ready to leave another group arrived.... they could not have been more different from us, they had cigarettes, beers in hand, a bull dog, a boom box, and were yelling to each other.  It takes all kinds...
• Today in about an hour I will pick up TLOML from work and we are going to take the dog and explore another creek that runs into one of the bays here.  Being a weekday, and getting a fairly early start, I'm hoping we will be alone.  TLOML never hurries me or becomes irritated with me when I am slow or unsteady; she's always ready to give me a hand or a shoulder to hang onto.  About the dog - TLOML has a wonderful dog and we've become pretty close, she hangs out with me all day and then she and I share the highlight of both of our days when we go together to pick up TLOML from work.  Four bright loving eyes are waiting in the car for her which must feel pretty good!
• I feel so very fortunate to be here, to be Australian, to live in a country with boundless natural beauty, and abundance.  We did an online shopping order and bought a "Fruit Box" which is a selection of the fruit that is good at the moment.  It was a bit of a mistake and we ended up with all kinds of things we would not normally order (green apples, strawberries, cherries, red grapes etc) but it has been lovely eating my way through all the stone fruit - peaches, nectarines, apricots and plums and I even feel like I am performing a service by eating them before they go off!  The fridge is full of wonderful food, there is beauty at every turn, and I feel loved; how much better does it get than that?

I am missing The Boy, though we talk often on the phone and occasionally on skype, and I'm missing The Best Friend whose warmth and good humour saw me through all those strange and dark days.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday for quite a long time and it soothed me.  She is taking care of my boy and nurturing him for me.  

TLOML has an amazing best friend too and I really need to mention her here... I think I will call her The Nurse.  Throughout this stressful situation The Nurse has been an unfailing voice of reason and sense, she has provided direct guidance and constant support, not only of TLOML but also of me.  I can barely scratch the surface in expressing my gratitude and appreciation to her for her validation and insight.  She has welcomed me unequivocally and I value her in a multitude of ways.

So there you have it... we are taking the rough with the smooth; we are holding together and being kind to each other.  So, for someone who couldn't talk about the big issues, I seem to have managed to have plenty to say!