Monday, 18 June 2012

Musings on life, Herbert, and blogging

It's some sort of a cycle.

I don't blog, then I feel guilty about not blogging, then I think I have nothing to say and why would someone want to read my drivel, so I don't blog...

I want to talk about all kinds of things but some of them are minutia and some of them might be too personal or might make me look foolish - so I don't write.

There are lots of great excuses - I am busy studying (I have received Distinctions for the first two subjects I have finished), I am busy living (TLOML and the doggers absorb my time), I'm not in great health (when I crash I crash and I just want to let my mind run free in an effort to forget my body is actually still part of me) but none of them is a good enough reason not to write.

In 10 days I will tick over into my 50's and I can't believe it.  In so many ways I'm so unchanged from the child I was.  I'm still homesick for my Mum, though she has been dead nearly four years.  I'm still socially anxious and I still never feel like I fit in.  I still feel like an awkward misfit who doesn't quite get anything right in this world.

A couple of days ago I went to a memorial service with TLOML.  It was for a woman in her early 50's who died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  A few years back I lost a very close friend like that, she was only 44 and it was a devastating shock.  The service was on the beach at sunset and there were lots of people in attendance.  The clothing was casual and colourful.  Lots of people were barefooted.  The local a capella choir, many of whom were close friends of the woman, sung.  When darkness fell a large paper heart was set alight, big paper lanterns were released - rising towards the stars on the power of their flames, and tiny boats with candles were lit and floated into the sea, it was beautiful.  Although I had never met the woman, she and her partner having been overseas since I moved up here, I heard stories of how she had touched people and the causes she had fought for.  More than anything I heard stories of the bond she and her partner shared, it seems they were truly soul mates.  Although I was a stranger, there as a sign of support to TLOML and her friends, some of whom were very close to the woman, I was deeply touched.

There is no justice in this world.  Miserly, miserable people live long unproductive lives making others unhappy and kind, gentle souls can be snatched away without time to say goodbye.  People in horrid relationships become elderly being rude and unkind to each other and someone else loses their soul mate in early middle age.  There is no rhyme or reason, no sense, no logic, Charles Manson grows old in gaol while Princess Diana, who worked so hard for so many valuable causes, is killed at 36.

I don't understand Herbert.  It just is.

Starting tomorrow I have a three day workshop at  the university.  That will probably knock my body around a bit so the weekend will be at least partially dedicated to recovery.  I'm in recovery today too because yesterday I started washing windows.  The Actress, The Percussionist and their daughter are coming to visit to share my birthday.  I'm so pleased they are coming and I can't wait to see them.  So TLOML and I need to get the house ready and washing the windows is one of jobs I have decided to tackle.  I like doing things where it makes a big difference, where you can see the result of your labour.  But I pay.  I pay dearly every time I throw myself into a task.  Last week I did a little car maintenance including flushing the radiator and was sore for a couple of days.  Washing the dogs did me in too.  I don't care though.  I would rather keep doing things and know I need a couple of days to recover than not be doing stuff!

On the home front everything is going well.  I miss The Boy though he is doing well in Sydney and is working hard.  The dogs are terrific though Frizby's separation anxiety is a bit of an issue.  Now if I go for a swim she keeps swimming out to me.  TLOML and I had a swim the other day and Frizzle was exhausted from swimming out to us every time we took her back to the beach.  (Hence why I was bathing the dogs!)  The nights are quite cool here at the moment but the days are beautiful.  Sunny and warm and sparkling Especially through the clean windows!!!


  1. Congrats on your Distinctions - I expected to hear nothing less :-))

    I don't know whether anyone fits in everywhere. You have friends who love you and with whom you do fit in, and that's the most important thing. Bugger trying to fit in with the wider world and be what other people expect; you are who you are and you are just brilliant; funny and clever and intelligent. If people don't appreciate that it's their problem!

    The memorial service sounds beautiful; I get annoyed too when the good people go way too early. In your mum's case that was still way too early too!

    Hope you're not too tired to enjoy your friends' visit... and that big celebration in ten days' time :-))

  2. I really understand what you mean about blogging. Sometimes it's hard to find a subject, or to know how to talk about it....

  3. Welcome back to the blog!

    I am with you- there is absolutely no justice in the world. I tell myself that there has to be good out there and that's what I will concentrate on or else I get too blah and blue. Most of the time I just figure that I will just try to concentrate on the good, but it's not always easy...

    It's funny that you feel awkward and that you don't fit. Me too. I tell my husband that I'm socially backward, or at least awkward- I just don't seem to have it figured out. And that's just gonna have to be OK.

    Good luck with the separation anxiety. Check out what Caesar Milan has to say about it on his website, he usually has some great how-to's. I am pulling for little Frizby (doggy hugs all around).

    Take care, Dear (soon 50ish) Displaced!