Since Christmas, when I had a wonderful talk with my family, I have been thinking of moving back to the NSW Mid North Coast. It would put me within a half days drive of The Boy and I would be close to my brothers, their partners, my nephew and some old friends. I'm still glad I didn't move there when TexLOML and I bit the dust. At that time I was down and needy and it would have been fraught with unreasonable expectations. Like running home to Mum when Mum is long gone. Now at least I know I can survive on my own - maybe not thrive but at least survive.
I've been in a bit of a hole lately. TexLOML has begun a new "thing" with her ex, I wish her only the best but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. She's putting pressure on me to get the rest of my stored crap out from under her house and quite frankly at the moment it is hard enough for me to get out of bed. The meds I have been taking for diabetes make me nauseous and I am so monumentally demotivated that it's hard to describe. Well, to borrow something I saw on Facebook, "You can't imagine the enormity of the fuck I don't give". It's hard finding motivation when you feel like shit.
Over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I just don't care enough about myself to take care of myself. Thank Herbert that I care enough for the dog to feed her and take her for a walk every day because if it weren't for her I probably would never leave my bedroom other than to go to the bathroom! When I was with TexLOML I used to live by her work schedule. Every weekday afternoon when it edged towards to her coming home time I would jump up and do all the things I wanted to accomplish that day. I'd clean, fix stuff, wash etc and often get dinner on. I find that, for myself, I really can't be bothered doing anything and I should bother!
I should be worth bothering about - I should be a good enough reason to cook decent food and get some exercise - I should value myself enough to try and live a healthy life - even to get up out of my bed and do things. But I don't care about myself.
Soooo I started wondering if maybe I could do something about myself so that by the time my lease is up (mid May) I will be fitter and healthier and maybe able to embrace a better lifestyle. I could move back to NSW in good shape. Then I started to wonder if maybe a hypnotherapist could help me to find some drive and motivation... maybe help me to see myself as valuable enough to take care of.
Tomorrow I have my first session. I'm worried about my ability to be hypnotized and I'm worried about whether it will work or not... I'm worried about releasing control... I did some research about how to get the most out of hypnosis and the bottom line seems to be that I need to relax and when I start to get analytical I need to release that and go with the flow. I need to trust the process. I am determined to give it the best shot possible.
It isn't easy living life with a chronic condition that will probably never go away, it isn't easy being in pain, it isn't easy contemplating (or doing) exercise when you know it will make your pain worse. Yet these are also excuses and cop outs... I manage to rise above my condition in many ways and I need to rise above it here too.
Once about 10 years ago I tried hypnotherapy to give up smoking and I didn't think I was ever actually in a trance state and I wanted a cigarette the moment I left the place! But I didn't really want to give up smoking and I really do want to change my diet and exercise attitudes. I really do want to value myself more and think I am worth it. I'd really like to have a positive outcome.
So here goes. Wish me luck!
Just in case anyone out there is having the same problem I am here is a gift for you!